Yes I think I am pretty much done. For those who don't know my side of things has been:
H changed overnight as soon as our son was born. I believe he never wanted to be a parent and "went along with it" because he thought I would ditch him if he didn't. Although I always made it clear that it had to be a joint decision.
Four years and a 2nd child later he walked out. OW involved. I DB'd and he came back. I was angry with him. I was panicked having a 4yo and 20mo at the time and no job. I didn't want to be left as a single mum. I didn't really want him back for him, I just didn't want to be ditched like that.
Two years good DBing things OK. Then my mum died and I couldn't put the energy in anymore. Things went pear-shaped again. Alerting me to the idea that it was I doing all the work.
Had another go, went to counselling came back on these boards etc. No dice. His description (to the C) of our life pre-kids was glowing. Which again let me know that that has always been the issue for him. Just doesn't want to be a family man.
Last month I finally got an apology out of him about his bad behaviour towards me when the kids were born. Funnily enough this seems to have given me closure. Our relationship since has been bland, civilised, not even annoying to me anymore. Something tells me I've been clinging on all these years just to hear him say sorry and now he has he's free to go.
Karen: What is it that your H thinks he can't do?
I asked him that - he doesn't know. From my own POV he has done nothing to speak of. He really has made no visible effort. To him no doubt he has been doing something. I guess what he has been doing is "suffering" and now he feels he can't suffer any more.
A while back Lil described his behaviour as like trying to play ball with a dead dog. That is very much how it has been. Every now and then he will regain consciousness and complain about the size of the ball or how high I'm throwing it. What his suffering lately has been is that I put the ball away and have been going about my business.
I spoke to my sister this morning. She sees him as having done nothing too. She is talking more from the point of view of him never being around at any family gatherings. She also knows that we lead separate lives in the same house - his idea. He won't have it any other way and calls me controlling if I try and suggest we should have more family time together.
I will listen tonight but I certainly won't encourage him to do one thing or another. Nor will I promise to be a good girl.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
