Still trying - Not very well

[LoginName]

Hi Limbo,
I've been too busy, and haven't read all the posts leading up to this last one, but want to try to help if I can.

I felt the same about my W; was she, is she, playing me and am I being a dupe? Here is the answer Toughlover and grasshopper (have you heard of them? they succeeded and have largely left the bb) helped me come up with.

It doesn't matter. Years from now he could play you too. What's at stake if he is playing you? Just your pride. You'll feel foolish, but you'll still be a good person doing what you want to do for the right reasons. Maybe he is playing you. Maybe he is shopping on line for a gift for you. Maybe he's still finding his way through his fog (it's not about you).

I'm going to guess what I imagine is the worst he could be doing - still having an A. Face that fear. What if he is? You didn't leave him before, would you now? You were ready to wait before, are you now? You don't know that he is continuing an A, do you want to end your M over a guess or feeling and fear that your pride may be hurt?

I think, with how far you and he have come, you should tell him how you feel. I would suggest that you don't expect anything from him when you do tell him though. Don't expect him to tell you exactly what he's been doing on line. Don't expect him to confess, or to show remorse, or say he's sorry, or to do or say anything. In fact, think it through. What if he 'confesses' to something? Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to. When you are ready to face any answer, because you are strong in yourself and know that even though it hurts, you can take anything, then ask. When you know that what he does, what he thinks, isn't about you, doesn't define who you are, doesn't diminish you in anyway, then it's easier to ask, share and hear.

I share your feeling. If my W could carry on an A under my nose for months without me suspecting, why couldn’t she be doing it now too? Why couldn’t she do it again in the future? I don’t want to live in fear of that happening. I doubt you do either. You can’t control your H anymore than I can control my W. Be strong, let go of what you can’t control and work on what you can control.

I hope you do share your fears and feelings about your H’s internet use with him, if not now than in the not so distant future. I hope that you and he get to where you can share your feelings and fears. When you do share with him, if he doesn’t change his behavior, what will you do? Can you live with it? Maybe include him in helping you decide what you will do? Cancel the internet? Go out dancing while he surfs? You chose, you decide what you can and can’t live with. But don’t fool yourself. Don’t decide out of pride. Make a decision based on what is really important and what you really want.

This became a bit rambling and long. In summary  don’t live in fear, it’s not about you, let go of what you can’t control,. Good luck!