Another newbie with a problem - long story

[Stormchaser]

My best advice to you, Storm, is to create some emotional distance between you and your W. Find things outside the M that interest you and fulfill you in other ways. Work on making yourself happy, finding out what it is you are passionate about (other than your family and sex). STOP pursuing her. You are only turning her off and devaluing yourself in her eyes (and in turn, losing respect for yourself).

I'm glad you responded, Corri. I actually have the No More Mr Nice Guy book and I'm a part of the forum there - what you say does make good sense and is emphasized repeatedly over there.

She is in the position of power in the R, and I bet you she doesn't want to BE there... hence her LDness.

Which I find odd, you'd think with her position of power, she'd be MORE sexual. But I do agree, as much as I think I'm the alpha male here, I probably give off a vibe of insecurity and I'm sure she picks up on it.

And you inform her, precisely, of what you are doing.... i.e.,

"wife... I love you. But I'm not pursuing you anymore. I'm working on me, getting a life, finding my way. I have no intention of staying in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. I'll hang in there as long as I can. I am a healthy, vibrant male, and I will be having sex, with someone, at some point in my future. I'd very much like for it to be with you."

Again, this is highly stressed in the NMMNG book.

Period. End of discussion. Go about being you and recovering your sense of self. She won't believe you at first. Be kind, be caring, but completely DROP HER as the center of your universe. YOU are the center of your world. You have invited her to share it with you (currently you are begging and pleading that she share it with you... ewh, gross... huh?)... do NOT accept crap sex, drunk sex, or emotionless sex. If she does initiate at some point and it doesn't feel right to you... stop it. Tell her... 'no thanks.' Out of respect for yourself.

When she started this new job and the subsequent promotions, I did feel as if I lost being the center of attention, the main focus of the house. For the first time in her life, she feels valued elsewhere besides home, her opinion counts, people listen to her and she's in a position of superiority.

Her desire is her problem. You've made it yours. She's going to have to figure it out on her own... and you are going to have to let her.

Thanks, I didn't see that.

The one fear you need to overcome is her leaving you. No, it is not the desired outcome, but it wouldn't be the end of the world, either. <-- When you know that... and you do all that other stuff above... you will regain your manhood and place of leadership in your family. And lo and behold... she may be the one who starts worrying about YOU leaving her.

I thought long and hard about this and something popped into my head while I was laying down: I remember a time when her and I were dating (actually living together not married). We hit a rough spot and decided to take a break. I was devastated. All the furniture was hers, so when her family helped her move out, there was nothing but a wire stand with a TV. No kitchen furniture, no sofa, no bed, nothing. For a month I grieved, sitting in an empty place, wondering if I should commit suicide, all kinds of stupid thoughts going through my head. One day a coworker told me he was ditching some furniture - it was really nice stuff, too - so we brought it to the apartment and it actually looked pretty good. Then I decided to paint the walls, then found a cheap decent bedroom set, then someone else gave me their kitchen setup. By the time I was done, the apartment was completely changed to the way *I* wanted it. Well, I wind up running into her and we got to talking, she came back to the apartment and was completely amazed at what I had done.

We wound up getting back together obviously. But months later she confessed that she was incredibly hurt - not by our breakup, but by the fact that I managed to move on and completely turn the situation around. The fact that not only did I recover from the breakup, but that I got some balls and DIDN'T contact her and focused on myself made me more attractive in her eyes. (Finding some other womans clothing in the apartment probably helped as well).