WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..

[jab]

I am overwhelmed with all of this response. I am deeply touched.

I just wanted to give a quick update before i went to bed.

I continued moving some small boxes today, picked up kids from school and went home.

I was very distressed and emotionally wrecked. Avoided wife until dinner. I basically told her I needed to get out of house for awhile and that I was going to AA. I just had to get out because I was in NO state to have any PMA at all.

Went to AA and came back home. Felt better but still not great. W and I started conversation after kids went to bed. I did good. It was actually alot of me validating and admitting how much of an idiot I have been over the past 6 years, admitting my mistakes and had a chance to express some things that I don't think she knew about how I've been feeling. I can go into detail some other post. I mentioned NOTHING about my snooping fiascos or anything like that. I dedcided it wasn't a good idea (I was thinking about Atlas' comments about his sitch). We didn't fight, just discussed some things, she vented and listened, I vented and listened. W actually admitted that she did some things wrong in our M. W and I mutally decided it was done talking about things (we talked about an hour) I just said 'ok, thanks for not fighting with me and getting some of this off our chests.' We then watched 'Everest' together. In summary, I may not have liked alot of what I heard about where W stands right now, but I listened, validated and we both agreed M couldn't continue the way it was going. She has some major trust issues with me (for good reason) but didn't rule out completely that we may be able to work on our M, just not right now. I HAVE ALOT OF WORK TO DO!!

I still don't know whether moving out is right or wrong but I do know this after conversation. She doesn't TRUST me. IMHO it's too late in the game so I have to go for awhile, if I didn't I'd be going back on my word again and problems would just escalate. My actions before finding DB only hurt the situation more. IMHO it would have taken about another week of my prior actions to seal my D if I didn't find DB when I did. She needs some time to herself, she has alot of s*** going on in her head between me and her F.

I think there is hope for R/M but not anytime soon. Once again, I have ALOT OF WORK AHEAD. R/M may never be repaired but regardless, I will be better, she will be better. The problems have been going on for 6 years. How long do you think it will take for this to start turning around? She said she's holding off on D for awhile (1 year, will reevaluate then). S is what she wants right now. IMHO we need to S somehow for a month or two for this to have a chance. I didn't want to but I'm the one who made most of the mistakes so this is my 'sentence'. It's not so bad that I think that she's going to 'put me through the wringer'. She needs me to get through this in one piece, she said it.

I don't know what her plans are for dating. She expects she will want to date others. Maybe with me but not right now. I asked her if she was dating now. Once again, she said NOOOO, but not in an 'angry' way. She said she doesn't trust herself right now. In a way I believe her, in a way I don't. Doesn't matter, I can't stop her from doing what she wants.

She said I should date after awhile. I said I felt like I was still committed to M but in a few months maybe I'll want to date someone else, maybe I won't. Right now, I don't.

That's a summary, I can elaborate later. I'm going to bed (in same bed as W) and she said it was ok to do so. I may not have that chance for awhile. No, not even going there, I know what you are all thinking

I know I need to start going forward in smaller steps, expect less to take longer. I need to take things day by day right now. I can reevaluate my living situation after 60 days. She's not filing before then, unless I totally f*** up, I'm pretty positive of that.

Once again, thanks for all the support. I need to digest some of this info. I'll be here on DB for quite a while. This is going to be a long ride. I'll order the books this week.