Some times I am feeling like I am doing great, other times, not so much. I am much better right now--AlAnon meeting seemed to help snap me out of the funk. It was a long, hard weekend following the Thurs panic attack, Fri L meeting, not having the kids all weekend, strides in self-awareness (Advent breakfast and church Sun, finishing the book Women who love too much), then S breaking down last night. I got overwhelmed with it all.
There are times when I look and realize how much I have learned and grown, how far I have come.....and then feel, what for? All this, and for what? Awareness, but still a broken heart, broken family, hurting kids, financial struggle, H who doesn't want me anymore..... it is the hopelessness / acceptance. I don't know how to have one without the other, yet. Throwing my hands up and thinking, I give up!
I have NEVER been through anything that has been this hard. I can scarcely believe that a whole year has flown past. I feel like I'm in some strange time-warp...the days have crawled by, the year has flown so quickly I can hardly recall it. All so strange.
Tonight's topic was again gratitude. I said that I was happy that H told me ILYBINILWY and had an affair. I was living life on autopilot, not really being very reflective about myself or my choices, what direction I wanted to head in. Just living day to day. I have learned so much about myself--wish there had been an easier way, but it is the way it is. I am grateful for the things that I have learned, and continue to learn, about myself, for being able to take this journey of me.
And I am thankful for all of the warm, supportive friends and acquitances who I have met along the way--people I may never have known existed before. So many strong, caring people who have been placed in my path along the way--too often and at just the moments that I need them the most, to be considered merely coincidence any longer. This struggle has awakened another aspect of my persona--the spiritual side, and what that will ultimately mean to me in the long run.
So, calm and contemplative tonight. I'm going to quit while I'm ahead and get some sleep.
Wishing you all the love we all deserve--start with really loving your self--we are all worth it, D
