Thanks for the feedback RCR. I've looked back thru some of your archived threads and found the article "what do progigal spouses think about". It helped to read it. I've pasted it into my journal so I can read it now and then.
I just have to have faith that it WILL play out and not get focused on the time. It's just hard with an almost 3 yr old and a newborn to not look at them want their father back for them (I know he will be changed...). I want them to know the person he can be. He is here often, but it is obviously not 'him'.
I can not explain how strong the feeling is within me that he will get thru this and there will be a chance for us and our M. I just feel like I know it's true...not just wish or hope, I KNOW. I guess that's why I get hung up on the timelines because it's not a matter of IF, but a matter of WHEN. As you said RCR...in God's time.
Well the good news the kids certainly keep me busy! The time it will take is as much meant for my therapy as it is for his and I do feel myself getting stronger and more independant every day. J~
Not sure what to make of H the last few days. D2 has been really sick for 3 days with a high fever. I've been up through the night 5 or 6 times between her and my newborn S. I'm exhausted to say the least. H hasn't exactly been a ton of help...but I'm not surprised.
But the intense anger seems to be subsiding. Not sure why... He's still been sarcastic and that 'look' in his eyes has still been there. BUT, this morning he came to pick up D to take her for the day. But unforunately she's still feeling sick and still has the fever. She told him she didn't want to go (he was going to take her to his Mom's for the day). So he hung out here and just let her snuggle up on the couch for the morning in her jammies. He even brought me a coffee. AND he talked a little about his work. That hasn't happened in over a month. AND that is one of my 'small signs' that I said I would be looking for as a change in him. I spoke back to him about it and asked a couple questions but didn't push.
D went down for a nap here instead of going to Grandmas and he's still hanging out here holding our S. I told him if he wants to stay here with D today I'll go out. I think that is still up in the air.
I could have stayed downstairs and watched TV with him, but I made myself a salad and came up on the computer. I'm getting good at this detaching thing!!
Anyway, I'm not going to go jumping for joy or anything...but I'm hoping this means he's at least moving the right direction through this stinkin' tunnel. Not to say he's having second thoughts...but perhaps the seed packet is open if not planted!!
It's nice to be around him without the anger at least. I can take this for a while.
I'm sure there will be ebs and flows through this MLC so I'll enjoy this stage while it lasts! J~
It's so hard to know what to do, isn't it? I mean even something that used to be as mindless as what room should we be in while they're home. I think you sound great. Good idea to let him be alone with the kids downstairs. I am glad the anger has subsided, too. Happy Holidays.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Question for anyone stopping by....my H seems to have a different 'mood' depending on who is in the company of. Here with me (when he's here to see the kids) he is either very angry or indifferent. The odd smile when it comes to something D might say or do. With his friends he's "Mr. Nothing's Wrong with Me I'm just fine" At his Mom's where he's staying, he is SO quiet. His Mom is pretty sure he's depressed. He sleeps A LOT while he is there (day or night) and barely eats. They can't even get him to crack a smile and this is NOT like him. He's staying there every night. He leaves here after seeing the kids, barely says a word to his Mom or Sister and goes to bed (by 9PM most nights!).
This is another thing that is confusing me. He wants me to believe that his R with OW is progressing...but as far as I can see it can't be any further along than it was when we were together.
At bomb drop they were broken up because his lies caught up with him and she had dumped him 2 wks prior. Since then they started talking...but I know for a fact that he spends every night at his Mom's. He's here with the kids at least 5 evenings out of the week...and most Friday and/or Sat nights he's with his friends. He works with OW (where no one knows about them, they don't even know we're separated)...but he is only in the office 2 or 3 days a week and he isn't there all day. In fact his sister confirms he's there sleeping on the couch a lot during the day (not working too hard lately). Besides a business trip for a trade show a couple weekends ago...when is he actually seeing her? I mean he wants me to believe it's all serious, but is it all based on phone conversation or what??
Does anyone else have an MLCer whose showing different moods depending on who they're with? Also...any thoughts on this OW thing??
I know I'm in a little bit of 'focus on him' mode today...but my mind has been working overtime the last couple days and I have to get it out of my system. J~
From what I've read MLC'ers show different sides of them with different people. Mine is very similar to yours.
With his friends he is Mr. Studdly. He thinks he is so hot and cool and acts like he is having the wildest sex ever.
With me he is ashamed, guilty, and often angry and irritated.
With his family, he acts as if everything was my fault.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Jenny That is good that you and H arer talking again with my H I experienced a lot of coldness post bomb saw constant running out every night and day many trips then he seemed friendlier less moody and looked almost numb for a while we also have experienced many months of pleasant conversations till recently as you have seen on my thread now H looks a bit more depressed, not all the time I have no clue about OW he keeps his life very secretive he seems younger mentally interesting how you noticed your H actions with others
my H has always maintained the fact that he is HAPPY when I ask him hes doing good and he did the right thing by leaving He tells friends our R is over and has been over for years he believes and tells others we mutually split up I dont speak with his family..they never called to see how we were..His mom never liked me or any of the kids spouses peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
H seems to have done is own 180 in the last 5 days. He's gone from incredible angry and cold guy to Mr. nice guy. He's initiating conversations and is mentioning things about his work (one of my 'small signs' to look for).
I'm suspicious of this! Why the obvious shift?? It was easier to detach when he was being a complete jerk...now I'm back to wondering what is going on his head. I know I need to maintain my consistency now more than ever...but what do I make of his changes?? Is it genuine and is it a sign of hope? Or should I be suspicious??
There was comfort in his anger because it made it obvious how messed up whe was...now if seems likes he's all ok again and that worries me.
Looks like I was right to be suspicious. Today while balancing our budget I noticed that H's paycheck went into our account by an ABM deposit and not by direct deposit as per usual. It was also $300 less than normal. I e-mailed him to ask him and he said, he'd opened up his own account and his paychecks would now go into his account and he would transfer them to the joint account.
A couple weeks ago we'd discussed getting our own accounts and transferring out our own spend $$ into these accounts once the bills were paid. But instead he does this?? Behind my back?? And he's holding back $$? Even if this $300 is spending $$ why is he still using our joint account to make these purchases and withdrawals.
I am going to retain a lawyer tomorrow to get myself protected right away.
BUT, WTF is he doing?? I'm on mat leave! The baby is 6 wks old!!This is so beyond anything I thought he was capable of doing. I didn't think it could get worse than him asking me to look at selling the house 3 weeks ago...and then he pulls this. This is so much more than "I just don't love her anymore"...this is hateful, sneaky, utterly selfish, disrespectful...I could go on and on.
He must be SO sick for the man I married to be capable of this! So here I am mad, scared, sad...but still believing in my heart that he is so sick he doesn't know what he is doing. I feel as though I'm living in a twilight zone! I want to believe the man I married is still in there somewhere and that he is better than this...but he is not that person now and I don't love this person. I want to stand by him...but not only is he not allowing me to (with OW) but he is actually trying to screw me in this process.
Someone help please!! I don't know what to make of all this or what to think! J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Hi, Jenny ~ what a horrible time to have to go through this, when you have such young children depending on you. Try to get as much rest as you can and eat good food - you've just given birth and with all the extra stress on top of it, you really need to take care of yourself so you can keep being as strong as sound.
Hi Ingrid, Yes...I'm doing my best to take care of myself. I live just outside Toronto in Ontario. I used to live in Vancouver and in Langley years ago. J~
