Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning

[phbear316]

therapy session went ok tonight, I realized tonight I need to work on my self esteem issue. I need to get some. But where do you start. Went over a lot of issues with C about childhood. Starts there as carried into adult life. Thinking back never really had much as a child.

I feel some days I have self esteem in some things, and in other things I do not. I know one thing is I want to this marriage to work. I will not give up.

Need to improve my self esteem this is a new goal. I have improved some what, I know I can talk to h about things, sex etc. I had to also deal with some more about my issues with my x boyfriend. I have been thinking about this a lot the past few weeks, with the low self esteem, i allowed him to manipulate me, and rule me, abuse me both physically and mentally. In a way I have been thinking he would force me for sex it was like rape. I need some day for h to see that, someday when he wants to talk h needs to know this information, he needs to understand this and what happened to me and the impact it has had on my life and most likely will have for the rest of my life. Here again is where i need strength and self esteem.

Going to try to hit the bookstore sometime this weekend, look for books, but i really have to finish self matters by dr, phil. Maybe i will finish that one first.

Spoke to h before i left for my session, H says he may be out when i get home, he needs to get out of the house. Ok, i am not stupid ow must be working nights this month. DUH. Anyway, oh about two weeks ago marathon paperwork arrived at the house, i put it in the pile with the magazines, I guess today when h was going thru them he found it, now its gone. Wonder what he is going to do? H really should cxl, 26 miles, and has not been training, It could take me about two days, but i could walk it better than he could run it right now. (personal note yea for me I can do over 3 miles in an hour on treadmill) I just figured it out it would take me over 8 hrs to do. lol, I'm crazy but not that crazy. LOL

thanks for letting me rant, home alone h is out, feeling blue, tried to go to target to get some xmas spirit, but nothing, even forced myself to listen to xmas music today, still nothing...humbug...

Still anxious and sad about weekend and what h will do, have to get rid of the tickets, wonder about the wedding, I hope h is not stupid enough to take ow, but if he does he will look like an a&^hole to his friends mind you HIS friends. Mine too of course but they are his childhood friends. Only time will tell for this I have no control

bear