Hoooha! I feel strong!!! Pud, CVA, mako, Heimlich, Woog, jon... You all are soooo helpful to me.
Why am I charged up? (remember, papers have been filed!) Let me count the ways:
I just had a 45 minute conversation with my wife on the phone! I was cheerful and upbeat and pleasant. And so was she, mostly. Woohoo! I'm thankful for that alone.
I called for a couple reasons - we have Christmas coming up, and S10's birthday, and this week's visits with kids, and some other things. We are agreeing on everything. This is great!
I'm going to take the kids to dinner tomorrow. Every Wed she attends a bible study group. I'm supportive, plus it gives me the chance to see the kids. I did it last week, it's always enjoyable. But on this call I expressed some concern that they get very sleepy in the evening. Last week at 8pm they had their heads on the table in the restaurant. She understood - said we could play it by ear. I could call her if they get too sleepy. So this is good! Cooperation. (Just_Me - I know, it's a tiny positive. I'm being realistic. But at least it's not a negative. We have pleasant conversations and can agree on "it's bad if the kids are so sleepy at night that they lay their heads on the restaurant table".)
We're splitting the xmas shopping for the kids. Woohoo! We always did it this way. I am glad she's open to doing it this this way again. She reached out to me, saying, "maybe that is too complicated (shopping), since you have work." I told her, "I have tons of free time after work! It'll be fun!" (I know she has no free time in the evenings with 4 kids)
she again invited me to spend xmas morning with her and the kids. Woohoo! Great!!! I am glad for this too.
For S10's bday we are ALL going out to dinner. Woohoo! Another victory! In the words of Marv Albert, YESSSSSSSSSSSS!
I'm going out of town next weekend; guys weekend away. I told her that. (GAL on display)
Finally, I'm also thankful for REALITY setting in. For a long time I wanted my situation to go away. But W had filed D papers and it ain't gonna go away. So I gotta deal. So I called to discuss the budget. I told her that I need a place to live. I need a palce with 3 br's, so the kids can stay. I told her I'd like to have them more often and for longer periods than I have them now (I am staying at a friend's house). And my atty advised me (and I told her this) to stop spending savings, and start living on my income. So that means selling our house -which means she has to move. I asked her if she's come up with a budget for herself (any guesses out there?)...I asked if she has looked for a house to rent, if she has thought about the area where she will live, etc. (any guesses?) I asked "Are you ready for this?" Her reply: "I guess so."
It is amazing to me that she doesn't have a budget plan. Even after all the comments like "she isn't facing reality", I didn't think it was possible. She's intelligent and educated. But still, she somehow was convinced that she would not be forced to move.
She asked me, how will I have the kids during the week, if I have a job? I told her I'd be changing jobs, working less, making less money, but working more flexible hours. So that would further reduce our budget. But I need to spend more time with the kids, sooo... that's what I'm going to do. She seemed surprised by this(?).
I was pleasant all along. During the "do you have a budget, are you ready to move" conversation, her voice became noticeably shaky, though her tone did not change. We continued to have pleasant conversation. Actually I was very pleased to listen to her and talk with her for another 30 minutes after that. I would have talked all night. Come to think of it, maybe I should have rung off earlier. But I was very happy just listening to her voice, just listening to her talk. (Oh, one day maybe I'll get to do this in person!) It was a really good conversation, just chitchat about this and that. I loved just being in her presence, just hearing her voice (is this detachment?) though I did not say anything like that. Just friendly chat.
BTW, when we agreed to all go out to dinner on S10's bday, this was after the budget / housing discussion, with the shaky voice.
oh, and she asked me, about our plans to have dinner all together (it will be the first dinner all together in more than 3 months~! Woohoo!), "can you handle this?" And I said (incredulous), "Me? Sure! it's going to be fun!" And she said "I won't bite you." (Oh! My heart breaks! I think she still thinks I am angry with her, don't want her, etc. etc. I want to tell her I still love her, I still want her back, but I don't say it! I won't say it! )
On 11/26, on my thread (this thread) Pudmuddle snafu wrote:
Quote:
...you have a lot of positives on your side to help you through this maddening journey. Your W needs to be faced with the realities of the situation she is causing. By leaving her alone to realize these, she will come to this conclusion faster than if you force it for her. That will make her want to run away that much more.
Pud, you were sooooooo right.
I don't know what will happen, but the DB/DR stuff is working. My M may still distintegrate, but DBing is making me feel good about myself, helping me to be strong, and it is allowing me to lovingly permit her to face reality. I was afraid before, afraid to face reality MYSELF, but today, not so much.
Deep breath. ok.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
