My best advice to you, Storm, is to create some emotional distance between you and your W. Find things outside the M that interest you and fulfill you in other ways. Work on making yourself happy, finding out what it is you are passionate about (other than your family and sex). STOP pursuing her. You are only turning her off and devaluing yourself in her eyes (and in turn, losing respect for yourself).
She is in the position of power in the R, and I bet you she doesn't want to BE there... hence her LDness. You need to become the attractive male to her, again... and that includes going and doing your own thing... not to GET sex... but to build your self confidence and sense of purpose. <-- Those two things are extreme turn ons to women...
And you inform her, precisely, of what you are doing.... i.e.,
"wife... I love you. But I'm not pursuing you anymore. I'm working on me, getting a life, finding my way. I have no intention of staying in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. I'll hang in there as long as I can. I am a healthy, vibrant male, and I will be having sex, with someone, at some point in my future. I'd very much like for it to be with you."
Period. End of discussion. Go about being you and recovering your sense of self. She won't believe you at first. Be kind, be caring, but completely DROP HER as the center of your universe. YOU are the center of your world. You have invited her to share it with you (currently you are begging and pleading that she share it with you... ewh, gross... huh?)... do NOT accept crap sex, drunk sex, or emotionless sex. If she does initiate at some point and it doesn't feel right to you... stop it. Tell her... 'no thanks.' Out of respect for yourself.
Her desire is her problem. You've made it yours. She's going to have to figure it out on her own... and you are going to have to let her.
The one fear you need to overcome is her leaving you. No, it is not the desired outcome, but it wouldn't be the end of the world, either. <-- When you know that... and you do all that other stuff above... you will regain your manhood and place of leadership in your family. And lo and behold... she may be the one who starts worrying about YOU leaving her.
All this isn't easy, either. You might want to read, "No More Mr. Nice Guy." You can find it on Amazon.com, and there is a corresponding web site. If you decide to read it... make sure you do the exercises. A lot of guys are doing that very thing right now.
Once you GET things righted... you will have to be very careful of not reverting back to old behaviors. The Passion Trap is an excellent read as well. Talks about relationship dynamics.
