DR Chapter 2 - It Takes One To Tango

[Mellers]

Hi - just like to join this one as someone whose SO is often AWOL, making any chance of face to face DBing to have any effect. I have got to get pretty creative to do any "tango-ing"


If one party can trigger change in another, why do we spend so much time trying to convince our partners to change first?


I think we get so bogged down in the situation itself that we can't even see a way out of it, so we look to someone else to find that way out. Esp. if the SO is the one who's walked away - we think they must hold the answers to what will make the R work again - they know what will fix it.


Why do I have to be the one to change?


Often I think it's precisely *because* they don't know what to do to fix things that they decide to walk away in the first place. Therefore, the person "left behind" or "shut out" is the one who can be the person who can break the cycle. and let's face it - someone has to do it - take the leap of faith and just do it...


What if I push the wrong button?


You'll never know if you just press the wrong one all the time, frightened of taking the chance. That's what the 180 is all about, I think - pushing the opposite button by doing the opposite of what you normally do.


My spouse and I are barely speaking (or are separated). If I change my approach to things, will my spouse even notice?


Ah, now the *meat* of the act.... While it's "magical thinking" to believe that even if you're separated or not on speaking terms, your SO will "just know"/"sense" through the power of the cosmos that you are changing, you must still change.

If your SO is still at home, whehter you are talking or not, they are still in your space at some point. they will hear/see you interacting with others, see you going about your business, not moping around waiting for a breakthrough from them, and they can't help but notice that. I know that ic exhausting, but once it becomes part of you to just get on with things, it will be easier - that is when you may get your breakthrough...

If you're separated, it's harder. For those with children and visitation, etc., there is opportunity (however brief) for contact with SO, during which one must present oneself in the best possible light, not beg for more time and smile lots. Yes, these are small things, but if you read the success stories and some of the threads here, baby steps are made after the simplest moves on your part.

And if you're only in contact via email, phone, etc., your moves will be smaller still, and your progress slower... I am at this stage unfortunately, and while I used to send long "soppy" emails, and want to get into R talk on the phone (even when he was at work!), any mails I send now are validating (sometimes I have to really search for things to validate, but I always manage it!), friendly and upbeat.

I don't ask for anything, and am not needy. I'm seeing small steps, but that's what it's all about, innit?


Isn't it manipulative to try to change someone?


How can you change someone else? For me, one of the greatest releases from reading DR (and there have been a few!) was realising that I *couldn't* change my SO. Then I stopped obsessing about how I could "get him" to treat me better, and how to sort out his problems for him. All I could do was work on me, and if that drew him back to me, then it would be brilliant. A huge moment for me.


Why should I believe that anything I do will make a difference whan it hasn't before?


Because if what you've done in the past hasn't worked, either it was the wrong thing to do, or you didn't do it for long enough. Try something else. The wonderful thing about these techniques is that you tailor them to your situation. It's actually exciting to think of what you could try. Make a list of about 20 things you could try under each technique in the book. You'll be really struggling at 10, but keep going, because the more silly/outlandish/implausible ideas often contain a grain of an idea that could really surprise you and your SO, and just might work!

Just my thoughts - hope they are of some use
Mel