Get Me On A Smoother Ride....Need Advice #7

[Rob1231]

Don't know if it's helpful but actually finding out about the PA was horrible but I can tell you that I felt much worse finding out about the EAs prior to that.

I have to agree with that. As my IC put it at the time, the EA was the real betrayal of my heart. The PA was just two lonely, unhappy bodies rubbing together.

In any case, you know the bad news already, so looking at it from that perspective, the worst shock is really already over. I hope that helps - it helped me, way back when.

[SueS]

Well, I talked to a friend of mine for almost an hour today. We've been good friends since we were kids and she was involved in my wedding. She knows all about all our ups and downs, H's previous A, our good times, our bad times.....etc. She's on the.....I know you love him, but your life together has always been about him....You need to have this conversatin and lay it out there for him. She's the friend that I might go spend a few days with. We haven't seen each other in a few years and last year she moved to within about an hour & 1/2 of me.

Now another friend called me to see how I was. She's of the mind set that I need to ask my H a bunch of questions because I really don't know what's going on in his mind.....maybe he really wants me and this life and he needs me to show him that I need him too. Well, I love this friend, but she's only known me for a few years. She's the ultimate optimist. She doesn't know all the issues of the past.

I've always been one to try to please everyone. I've been told time and time again by friends, family, bosses...etc., that I can't do that. I'm told that I'm a classic case of the child of an alcoholic. My sister was the rebellious one and I was the one that tried to make everything okay for everyone. It took me years to be able to say something to my dad about his drinking. My sister always spoke her mind. The very last time my dad got busted for DUI, I finally broke down and talked to him. It was so hard.

I'm literally sick to my stomach thinking about all of this.

SueS

[SueS]

Rob- What you said does help. To be honest, the PA part does suck, but it's seeing the EA things that hurt the most. The love songs, the long phone conversations....etc.

[Startingover2]

You can do this. I know its so hard. Its hard because you know they will probably lie. Its hard because you may hear things that you don't want to and also the possiblity of what will happen. Once you have the talk, you will have some tough decisions to make and boundaries to put up. Right now you both have been kind of going status quo without any real change.But remember living this way is slowly killing you.

I promise you that after the talk you will feel so much more empowered. Take your life back. Protect yourself and your daughter. H certainly doesn't have your best interests at heart.

[tryingtoholdon]

Sue I was a child of an alcoholic and I must be like your sister. I was the rebelious one and the one that would speak her mind. I guess sometime's you can tell by my posts. lol I don't know if I ever mentioned this but I was divorced before. My ex husband was an alcoholic and after I grew up a lot I knew that I couldn't raise my children in the same kind of home I was raised in. So I gave him the choice of me or the booze. He chose the booze. You know 15 years later he is still an alcoholic. Ah well I guess I made the right choice. He was also a cheater. Even though he will deny that to this day. Even when I caught him.

I am glad you have some friend's you have been able to reach out to. That trip sounds great and exactly what you need. Is there any chance you can get out tonight? That might help your mood some. Maybe you could do some X-mas shopping for D3. : )

[hurtandlost]

Sue,

Sorry if this is a delicate subject. And I tell you this with the best of intentions, although there's a saying that if advice was good people would sell it.
Have you heard about the support groups for alcoholics'family? It's just like AA but for the families of people who are or were an alcoholic. I had an employee that went to those meetings, I understand it's called Al- Anom and it's for free. I see you must be the core of the support to everyone around you and I am glad that you can find people willing to do the same for you. But just like this forum, may be it's time for you to look for the experience of those who were wounded as you were even though things have changed, so you can vent.
You can't help others while you are hurting. I understand everyone has said you can't please everyone but just because you lean towards helping others, and it is part of your personality, just think about this, if you don't help yourself, you will not be able to help others.

[LL44]

Sue,

You are amazing. You can do this. I am thinking of you.

[SweetRedd]

Sue,

Just want to let you know I'm thinking of you. Do what's best for you and D3. H is a big boy and has been down this road before. You can't fix this for him and he doesn't deserve you to.

Sheila

[LL44]

I keep checking on Sue...thinking of Sue....

[SueS]

Well, I really blew that chance!

H came home about 45 minutes after his usual time. He changed into his workout clothes, got on the computer and then laid on the couch. When he was on the computer, I asked a few brief questions re: D3. I got quick and rude answers. I got D3 ready for bed. I took her out to say good night. I simpy said...Oh, I thought you were going to workout. Got another rude reply. So, I finally got D3 to sleep and went in to sleep myself. H was asleep on the couch. Or so I thought.

Weird thing. He got up, came into the bedroom and stood there looking for a show on tv. He got pissed when it wasn't on there. He grabbed his workout pants & got his coat on. I got mad. I said....Why are you going now? He said...Who F'ing cares? I blurted out.....Why don't you just admit to me what's going on with you? OOOPPPS!! He said.....Why don't you just shut the F up and leave me alone. I just walked away. Didn't know what to say next. He left. So, the thought running through my mind right now is.......YOU WANT IT, YOU GOT IT. YOU'RE GETTING ALL THE SPACE YOU WANT!!!

This makes me very angry and very sad at the same time. Something had to have happened for him to just turn like this within the past week. I know things have sucked, but his anger has gone WAY up. I really need to get out of town this weekend. I'm hoping we don't get the snow they're talking about.

SueS