First post

[mrarow]

Have lost my Wifes love and affection, Lost our 2 best Friends and my Dog in the last few months! Went into major depresion and did a ton of stupid things tring to make sence of it all. Well I have been Married almost 13 years to the Woman of my dreams..... So i thought? We have 3 Girls 1 hers, 1 mine and 1 ours. I had the bomb dropped a few months ago that She was not only not in love with me anymore but she was in Love with my x-Best friend of 20+ years. His wife was her best friend! OMG!! The details are very sad and disterbing how all this happened to write on here. I do not belive they have stopped comunicating as she maintains she wants to be his friend! Would love some support at this time! I am in councling, taking meds for depresion and am being much more positive but what a rollercoaster ride! I feel sick and want this nightmare to end!! I have made huge changes to myself and am working on me now. My relationship with my girls and her has been improving but lots of ups and downs.
Tring hard to give her space as that is what she wants at this time. We are still sleeping in same bed and are not fighting about these issues anymore for the most part. Have been getting good advice from councler and My wife is planing to go so that we can remain friends whatever the outcome. I hope and wish for the oppertunity to make up for many years of being complacent in all aspects of my marriage and famaliy for many years. Its been a few months of hell but i am seeing a few baby steps in the right direction. Tring to be possitive and happy as i relize that is much more attractive to her. I do not talk much about the past and continue to show thru my actions my sencerity to want to make a better marriage from all of this. I love her so Much!! Its so hard to not recive affection and love from her anymore! I am so scared that my past mistakes my never be forgiven? I just want a chance to save our marriage and have a 2 parent famialy. I will do anything and feel so desperate. I have so much more I want to say but can't at this time. The Divorce remedy book has been helpful but she wont read it at all. She is a fence sitter, and I so much want her back on my side of it! What to do next?
M 13 years
Me: 41 y
H : 37 y

Bomb: Summer/07

[mrarow]

Help!! I gave W the book Divorce Remedy!! I thought she needed to make educated choices!! We had very bad weekend, she still is having affair and very much in love with other man!! I Spoke with him as well for first time in months and heard same from him that he loves her and will not let up calling and telling her same!! I feel hopeless tonight!! Dieing inside, and so very sad! W tells me she wants to pursue him and can't stop thinking about him. Tells me no love for me anymore just for him. Does not want me and no longer turned on by me. tells me that she married for wrong reasons and wants to love like I love her and be loved same. Does not think she can love me ever again. My 180 for last seven months has done nothing for me as she still feels same as she did when dropping bomb! I was told also that all is great glad to see but its all to much too late and does not have any want to try or give us another chance!!!OMG!! HELP ME I AM SO VERY SCARED!I LOVE HER AND MY GIRLS SO MUCH I CAN'T BEAR TO THINK OF US AS A BROKEN FAMILY!

[lizzy]

I gave DB to my H and asked him to read the firsth chapter so he would understand some of the reasons as to how we got here. That was a dumb thing to do because althought he said he was reading it (that was months ago) we still separated. Your W wants her space and unfortunately that is what you will have to give her. Your 180 is working, otherwise your W would not have noticed. She isn't ready to accept it though. It has taken you years to get where you are and you won't get back to where you were without it taking a lot of time and work. Unfortunately none of us can tell you exactly what to do get your W back. Do know though that there are people here who will support you and give you strength.

[mrarow]

I am so scared and any support seems to help at this point!Thanks! Hang in there yourself!

[Racer Chick]

mrarow,

Yes it is scary. I understand the depression that is tough, been there too. But this is more about you than anything, making you a better person and really looking at what you did and what you can do to make the situation better. You may hear this over and over but you can only control you and remember she will do what ever she wants to when she wants to do it, and you can not do anything about it. But the thing that you can control is the way that you react, acting AS IF. Yes it is very hard to do, trust me there, you sometimes have to be the best actor in the world in order to pull it off.

Also what did you think that you were going to accomplish by give your W a copy of the book? I don't mean to sound harsh but really, its like giving the other team the play book and hoping to win the game. She will be looking for the changes and will be able to combat them, is that what you really want? But that is only if and that is a big if she has even read it.

Also the rollercoaster ride that you are on is not going to stop anytime soon, unfortuantly. It took me a while for the ride to start to slow down and finally stop, just for me to get back on and ride it again, and now its coming to an end again, I hope. Jump over to my post to read my sitch and you will see, its self inflicted this time and I have finally realized that I was wrong very wrong and H and I are working things out for now.

Now a tough question, has she talked at all about filing for D yet? I know that you are not going to be the one that does, at least that is what I am gathering from what I have read so far.

[ann25]

mrarow.

Breathe. Take a deep breath and then another.

She needs/wants space. Give it to her. If she refuses to stop seeing OM and they are having a R you need to focus on you and not them.

It's going to take time and patience.

You work on you, for you. That way, no matter what happens, you will be a better man and father for it.

Don't focus on or even think about OM (i know that's nearly impossible) because it won't help you. Are noticing that her sole focus is her. Her happiness. Her love with OM. Her space. Now you do the same. You be Your main focus. What can you do to make you happy? not what would make you happy (ie havnig W back) but what specifically can you do.

You will have many ups and downs, but hang in there. Post here and read what others are going through.

take care ann

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Mrarow,

Get that book back. (spot on Racer Chick!!)
7 months of a 180, that pretty good.
Were you doing any of the other steps?
A 180 alone will not change the course.

Help you.
OK.
GAL, Get a Life, you are going to have to let her go, cause the tighter you try to hold onto her the more she is going to resist. The more you try to control her overtly or subvertly the more she is going to resent you.

You get through this by going through it, there is no path around it.

She is having an affair, you need to be faithful to your vows; sorry life isn't fair. Suck it up.

Post here alot, vent, live the good advice given here. Do your best.

Do not be pathetic around her.

Once you have been here awhile people will point you in the right direction of where to post. And after awhile you'll be ready for the advice from those particular boards. You'll know with more certainty if you can hack this.

I am sorry for your pain.

You'll suck up tons more and find out alot about yourself in this process.

[mrarow]

I took the book back!! I think she may have read the first chapter which is not so bad. She and I have not started to sleep separate as per her request. I have started to give her as much space as I can. I really listened to her and expressed how I understand where she is at and that I understand that her needing space is not to hurt me but for here to try and work things thru for herself. Its not about me now and there is nothing I do that does not look like I am tiring to be controlling except when I just shut up and listen I have always been way to controlling and selfish and am addressing these and other issues in Counselling now. She has been going as well for herself but not will to start any Joint Counselling yet because of where she is and the affair she is having with my X-friend. She has been talking about wanting to separate now but no D talk yet really. She is clearly confused and on fence still.

[mrarow]

Thanks Anne! I will try and keep my head up and try and work on more positive changes in me and my other relationships with Family and friends. I have hobbies and friends I need to start spending more time with instead of always finding myself alone and thinking of the worst and all the things I have done wrong in the past. I am so very sorry for my mistakes that opened the door for this to happen.

[mrarow]

Ok,Ok The book is back in my care, LOL oops now as far as what have I done hmmmm I am working on putting a lot of my faith in God! In the last 6 months I have on the outside I have started to take much better care of how I look and my hygiene i.e.: Cut hair ,Shave every day, Whitened my teeth, lost 35 lbs and have been working out except the last couple months due to my depression but I am starting working out again as of yesterday. On the inside I am addressing my selfishness, complacency in what was my Marriage, myself and the way I have treated her as well. I am working to eliminate my controlling behaviours and continue with counselling. I am building better relationships with all my kids and extended family as well. I am tiring very hard to not be a wimp and cry but man the tears just flow like they have never done in my whole life! I am tiring to no longer be pressuring in any way and just try and be a good listener as well. What more should I do right now?