Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[ann25]

hi limbo. thank you. yes I'm sure there is immaturity on both sides. I think as we grow older we will change more and more.

I think people have a hard time understanding because i am young. I fell in love over 9 years ago. yes i was young, but I had to grow up young. My mom left (to work on her, best thing she ever did) when I was a teenager and I took care of my sisters. I've always been the responsible dependable one. With him, i honestly thought we could make it through anything, that if we worked together, things would be good. The romantic, magic and fireworks, kind of being in love died off probably before we got married if it was there at all. There was never an amazing chemistry or anything. We had a great friendship at first and that is what kept us together, i grew to love him, the things about him.

We moved in together at 19 and didn't get married until over 2 yrs later. We worked, had a dog, paid bills and did all the day to day things. I still loved my husband and was in love with him. Were there fights and arguements, of course, but were there more good days than bad, absolutely. I liked coming home to him. I looked forward to just spending the evening watching our D play and maybe catching a movie on tv. Hearing about his day. Going to bed with him at night. I looked forward to just being with him. I thought of him during the day while i was at work. Now. I love him, but it is oh so different. I look forward to the nights he says he's going out. I wonder if it will be a bad night or just silence or a night of faking hapiness where neither of us really deal with the other because someone is coming over. I wish at times that I didn't have to go home. I wonder if he's going to be mad and what i did this time. Will he touch me or respect what I've told him. will he paly with his Ds or will he be playing video games all night.

I don't expect romance, i don't expect to feel totally consumed by him and our R. I don't need to spend every waking minute with him. Things are good now compared to the last couple years. I don't need the fireworks and magic. I want love, friendship, compassion, understanding and family. I do expect us to disagree, to fight occassionally, to feel underappreciated and hurt at times, it's just going to happen, but there should be more good days than bad.

I deal everyday with the cooking, cleaning and diaper changing, it's just that he doesn't (at least not often). I want a partner. Someone to share my life with and right now i feel like I either have 3 children to care for or i live with my dad and can't do anything right.

I agree that loving someone is a choice. How easy it would have been to stop loving him when I was hurting so badly. How many times did i just want to give up? I chose to stay and love him. Be loving to him. But how do i go from being his friend to wanting him as my husband. How do i chose to do that? How do i chose to fall in love with this new man that I live with when I'm not even sure that i like him very much.