I sort of understand how you feel. My W gives me a hug every morning when I leave the house. Not a overly passionate hug, but a hug none the less. However, it's almost like torture. I don't want her to stop and dread not getting one. But, I really wish she would stop giving me hope if there isn't any.
Glad you are analyzing how you could have done better. There is always a time when you look back and say you could have done at least one thing differently.
While I'm glad you are looking at your own behaviors and how to do better, I think you are doing WAY too much wife analyzing. The hair thing could be absolutely nothing. It just isn't anything to hang your hat on. Okay, it wasn't a negative. But don't make it into a bigger positive than it is. That being said, I will point out that you complimented her on her hair before she did that. Right? Have you considered that your wife needs words of affirmation? Which basically is you noticing when she does something right or complimenting her on accomplishments or when she looks good. Think about the relationship before it got bad. Did she respond favorably to praise? If so, you should try to drop subtle (VERY VERY SUBTLE) compliments...(ie you were always the good one at x,y, or z. That skirt looks good on you.) Just a thought. Of course, that only works if you still talk. You can't call to compliment or give words of affirmation...it has to occur naturally. Anything obvious is just pursuit.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Woog, Just a quick note...I understand you 100%, howevr, maybe they are not giving us false hope. Maybe, we are jst interpreting or reading too much into the little things. Like Just me says above don't hang your hat on it. I complimented my WAW on her sweater this AM. only after she asked me how she looked. I was about to do it before but heald back. It takes alot of energy to think what one should or should not say to WAW and then second guessing ourselves.
Perhaps I am over-analyzing the hair thing. But, after having a meeting to discuss D papers and walking out I said your hair looks great how did you do it? She asked why? I said because I might want to do it for 5D. She said she would show me in a minute and then ran hand through hair. Just seems like after all of the paper talk, she just absolutely did not need to do this. She could've just said ask so and so...or look it up...or whatever. She also didn't need to extent the visit in parking lot talking about next day she had 5D. Of course, it gave me a chance to validate her feelings of missing 5D.
One thing that helped me was to tell her, in that "opening statement", I understand this is what you want. I want you to know I forgive you for everything that has happened and will happen. I really thank you, I really thank you for opening my eyes to my past and my future." She uses this opening eyes to validate her decision. She really thinks I am happier without her. She even said some things like, "see you are right, we can't even communicate, look at you now." Really aggrevating, I can't say it is because of my poor choices and never because of my feelings for her.
Another interesting thing, she has a line in papers regarding child custody. She has unacceptable terms but then has a line, any other times agreed upon. She has this as her "safety net" in case I become the man 'lost in his cave'(my description) again. She has said this several times, but only recently did it make me wonder if she was thought I was not this man anymore, would she reconsider. Almost like she sees I am not, but can't get over the pain and is just not convinced it is permanent.
We are living separately and she does not call for me. Thus, the only thing I can do is leave her alone because I know if I initiate any contact I imagine this is unwanted pursuit. So, I have very little interaction. Maybe this will change soon.
Well, about Friday I had detached at least a little and was feeling good about things. And I was especially pleased with the last few times I talked with WAW. But ,I learned that I get a bit down on Sunday. I know it has to do with going to church with 5D and wanting WAW there with us, etc... I think that carries me into Monday down a bit. Another hard thing for me is events, learning about myself, trying so hard to learn about mistakes of pass to not repeat, or simply GAL make me feel as if we could reconcile and even that I might be 'ready'. Like vivid reconcilation dream I had last night. It felt so real. Yet, I woke. I need to remember it has to do with her and her feelings. So, it is hard because I have to remind myself that whatever I want to do, it must wait because she has not initiated contact and thus is unwilling now.
Another thing, when you try to GAL and at the same time work on your problems by yourself say communication issues, it makes you wonder if you ever have a chance because you can see so many errors in your way. If nothing else, it gives me direction to live my life...
So, I am going to learn how to communicate(talk/listen/etc) better. Listen to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus again...3rd or 4th time at least...online communication course, etc...This is a GAL and I suppose a 180 for me also. Necessary regardless.
Wife called at 7:30 to talk to 5D. She caught us at Christmas in the Park, a x-mas light display. I was in the process of getting pulled over by police for going wrong way by accident. I was laughing about it when she called. Got pulled over going 3mph. She said, "Oh no, you aren't going to get a ticket are you." I said no just going to have to turn around and find the place to pay. I then said I needed to talk with her when she was done talking with 5D. Overheard her say to 5D she was so glad we were doing that. 5D was excited. Love, etc...then me again. I really had nothing to say and just wanted her to talk, but she was busy working a ball game. I said, "I know you are working hard and it's not important I'll tell you later." She really wanted me to tell her but I then got busy paying and cars behind me I just said I can't now and, "don't work too hard."
Positives - 1)Cheerful, laughing, etc about getting pulled over. Hilarious really. I was in a great mood. 2) She blew up my theory of trying to avoid contact for 4 days. 3) I heard the sweetness in her voice. She was not angry or in that whatever tone that hurts so bad. 4) She was willing to talk to me before and after talking with 5D. 5) I was considerate/understanding/validating of her work and lack of time. 6) She caught 5D and I doing something fun that she would like to do...looking at x-mas lights at that park. 7) It costs money and she again sees how I am spending money to enjoy life. 8) This was at 7:30pm. It implies 5D ate dinner, did HW, and bathed prior to going. Thus, it shows I have ducks in row and more responsible than past. It also reminds her of conversation we had a week or so ago about how I had done this very thing to allow us time for fun. 9) No us talk by me and no negative talk by her(papers, etc) 10) I left her wondering what it was I wanted to talk about...I think this is good.
Negatives 1) It felt so much like when you first date and can't say anything right. Further illustrating my need to communicate better. I am not sure if I said where I was when going into how I got pulled over. Thus, it might not have been clear until later. She got the story but the sequence of events were out of order at the very least.
My plan for next few week or so is to continue to leave her alone. 1) In fact, be darker...Wife will have 5D for next 4days starting Wed. I have no reason to contact her. I can see where all contact can be eliminated until near our dating and wedding anniversaries. 2) Wife knows I will take 5D to church Sunday morning at 9:00am which is my next day. I do not need to call to confirm. So, I will let wife call me for a change. If not, I will just arrive at 9. This won't happen though. WAW will call, it's just her nature. 3) Part of something I want is to pick-up 5D when wife is unable to after-school. But I am not going to ask if she is able W, Th, or F. If I do, then she will get angry toward me when she can or cannot. If I don't, she might consider my requests and her choices. She knows what I want, I don't need to tell her again. 4) Continue to avoid contacting anyone she knows. It is not in my interest for her to know exactly what I am doing/feeling. She needs to wonder, as she is doing, and continue to heal by me giving her space, time, and vision. 5) Work on communication skills through books, audio books, online studies so I am ready when she does initiate contact.
Ebb and flow today is difficult. I still spend too much time thinking of her. I think downfall began when I realized I am suppose to see my attorney tomorrow. I am not the person I was pre-separation, but it is all about her feelings. And so I must continue to work on myself and create the best life I can with 5D. I know anything I do in terms of, GAL, time with 5D, learn about myself, study DB/DR, study communication skills, etc is best for me. But I also need to believe that my plan above of being darker, letting her contact, etc is best for ME. And at the same time, hope and pray that what I am doing for myself sparks an interest in WAW.
I know what you mean about not feeling right about anything you say. I'm not sure that books are going to help. For a while I felt like I was on egg shells around the house with what I said and didn't say to her.
Now it seems to be getting easier. I'm essentially talking to her as I would a good friend. I have no physical contact with her right now (other than the morning hug). I've written off that part of the M/R right now. It seems to have helped the communication. I'm no longer worried about falling into the R trap.
I've been listening to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by Gray. It has really opened my eyes. I feel so much better about what I am doing for myself, but the realization of why my wife is so adamantly striving for this D is starting to fully sink in. She cannot tell me why but I can list enough. Sure do hope she will take the time to look at me again. I'll be ok without her but I sure don't want to try. 19th, 21st, 25th just around the corner, perhaps I'll get a sign by then. More space, time, and vision...trying to miss the eggs and not detonate another bomb...lol. GL2U
