Somehow your posts roped me back into Newcomers. You always do some thought-provoking posts.
I will preface all that I say in that I have made the decision to D, and it's been filed. It is antagonistic. So... perhaps what I have to say is of little value to those new to this. Hopefully, not.
Quote: In what ways have you, and your partner, might have let your love dwindle, and not made your marriage a priority?
There's a million ways this builds up, particularily in a long-term relationship. We were married nearly 25 years. Let's see... kids can do it to you. Soccer moms, beware. All that suburban schlepping, volunteering, etc. does put the kids at a high need for attention. Been there, done that.
Personal interests get in the way... computers, games, bowling leagues... you name it. I'm not going to advise anyone to give up their leisures but don't make them an all-consuming passion. I noticed my H do this over time, and I did as well. He'd stick his nose into his books and computer, I was writing and sewing constantly (usually for the marching band/color guard designing stuff ...)
In other words, don't let outside interests, needs, and desires stifle the other out. It's way too easy to say... "I'm tired from working so much, can we do dinner out another time?" or "I'm burning the midnight oil tonight because you know... I took two nights off this week for the bowling tournament and need to catch up on office paperwork now." Quickly tells a spouse just how much their company is valued and wanted...
Quote: How do you feel about Michele's staement of "If your spouse reports falling out of love, just say nothing and remind yourself that nothing is permanent. If s/he fell out of love, s/he can fall into love again"
All I can say is that this is much easier said than done. Goes back to the idea that love is both noun and verb... a feeling and an action or decision. My STBX told me in so many ways he didn't love me... it hurt like hell and I couldn't stand it any longer... gifts would be snubbed (called "phony gestures") so I could no longer convince myself no matter what I tried, space between us, listening to him, etc. I gave up.
Quote: What do you think about NOT talking to him/her about your, or their, feelings of love? About not putting any pressure on them to talk about it?
All I can say is it's damned hard. It's good psychology to move to the verb part of the word love and just DO IT, but it's equally difficult because you're making an investment and you are not sure whether you will receive a return on that investment. If your personal love tank is empty, it's pretty hard to to dish it out... need to find ways to do that...
