My, how time flys when you are having a good time! Can't believe my last thread had locked up and time for another one. Losing-it-in-LA, I would love for you to start your own thread or at least tell me your story. I don't mean to be selfish, but I think it would help me if I knew more about your experience. I need to hear those from people who found out that the grass was not greener b/c that is what keeps jumping up in my face right now.
DomR, I did what I said I would do last night and will continue today. With #1. I will think hard on my "homework". For #1 the kissing good bye and good night is one, and two is to tell him that I love him. I have to think of the third one. I'll work on that today.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh, I remember now, I was going to watch at least one TV program with him. That was it. Ok, so will that do for the three for Cat. #1? Actually, all of those would come under #2 b/c it is difficult for me to kiss him, tell him I love him and to sit and watch TV, but that is all I can think of right now. I will work on thinking about Cat. #2 today.
BTW, I did not over-do acting "up-beat" at the dinner last night. I was too drained to do that, but I did try to put my best foot forward. My H complimented me several times about how pretty I looked, and I did appreciate that.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Its nice to hear that you are trying to do nice things for him again. I think that can bring good things for your marriage.
there are two really important comments that I have to make at this time:
1. I dont advocate you forcing yourself to tell him "i love you", if you dont really feel it. I think that is potentially bad, because first of all, it sets a bad prececent for misrepresenting your feelings to him. and also, because i think it could build resentment in you. I dont think you should be doing anything that builds resentment. Anything that builds up resentment within you, is automatically "category #3"
2. I didnt actually ask you to start doing those 3 things. heh.
What I asked you to do next, was to pick 3 things that would be meaningful to you, that HE do for YOU.
This is even more important, (for right now) than you doing those things for him!!
here's what I wrote, again:
Originally Posted By: Dom R
Now make a list of 3 things that he could do for you (on a regular basis), that would make you feel at least a bit better. Dont be shy on these ones.. Dont hold back, really "go for it", and write down even major things, that you feel would have the BIGGEST positive effect on [how you feel about] your marriage, if he did them.
Try not to rule anything out, as "he wont do it", or "its too hard"... Just be totally honest, about if a fairy waved a magic wand, and he suddenly started doing these 3 things, it would really mean something to you.
If you feel timid, and you want to write down some "lesser" things as well, that's up to you. However, you "must" write down the 3 big things, first
As for your evening out last night...
Quote:
BTW, I did not over-do acting "up-beat" at the dinner last night. I was too drained to do that, but I did try to put my best foot forward. My H complimented me several times about how pretty I looked, and I did appreciate that.
i'm glad to hear that, on both accounts
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
This is going to be a little journaling along with trying to answer you.
I actually don't tell him ILY except when he says it first.....uaually when we kiss good-night, and he has just stated doing that again lately. If I don't respond, it hurts him, so, I just try to say it back best I can. I don't really "feel" it, but I just do it anyway. The only time I ever did not respond to him telling me he loved me was when he knew about the OM but had not confronted me and was smothering me to death. He kept doing thaat until one day I just couldn't say it back anymore.... and it made him mad.
Right now, I don't want anything romantic from him. I don't want anything touchy-touchy. B/c it would be pressure on me. I don't know what I do want in our R as crazy as it sounds. At one time, I knew exactly what I wanted. Now, I just feel dead. It seems that he will never give me the intimate or emotional conversation I need. That is what I always wanted. Maybe the timing is not right for that now anyway....I don't know.
There are some physical things I want so badly to see happen. Like I need for him to do some desparately needed cleaning out and hauling off junk around the house. Things like that work on my nerves and can keep me in a down mood when I've asked him for years to haul some of that stuff away (you may think I am stretching this, but I'm not). It is embarrasing for me the way our yard looks to the neighborhood and I won't invite people over to the house b/c of it. I've talked about this before, but it is a real sore spot with me and he doesn't seem to care. So, that works against the R. I appreciate what he does to help around on the inside of the house, but I would really rather him to the manly things outside the house that I can't do. I don't know how to tell him this without it sounding as though I don't appreciate what he does and sound like I'm just bitching.
I want him to work steadily at his job and have a steady income and take care of business the way it should be done. It embarrases me for our name to come out in the local paper every year for not paying our personal taxes on time. These are probably not the things that you had in mind, but right now, those are the main issues that are bothering me where he is concerned. It spills over into the R.
He stays clean and doesn't have bad manners or anything like that. I don't like to see him in his underware laying around on the couch at night, but he says he is comfortable that way, so I guess I could learn to live with it. However, I would like for him to think of something fun for us to do.....that doesn't include a motel.....and it be all his idea and planning and just come in and tell me. That would be so exciting for me. Okay, now that I've journaled, I'll try to get down to business.
So, I guess I would have to say #1 to clean up the yard......I mean REALLY clean it up to make a difference. #2 to have more organized working skills (it's a long story, but I know what I mean by that statement), and #3 Plan something fun and exciting for us to do together other than go to a motel.
If I am way off base here, tell me, but like I said, it has worked on me so much until it has rubbed down into raw nerves in the R. I don't think he really, really understands just how badly. You see, when people come to our house, I don't like being embarrased and when he calls himself "fixing" something.....he doesn't. He just "riggs" it or patches it up for the time being. Half of everything in my house has been left undone. For example, he is a painter, okay? Well, he puts primer on our house about three years ago (maybe longer, can't remember now) and has never gotten around to putting the real paint on it. Now that is embarrasing. And, it's not b/c he is always working and doesn't have time b/c he doesn't work but about half time. But, that is just one thing......I could go on for days, but I won't bore you with details.
I can undertand what people mean when they make the statement that it is easier to start over with someone new than to try to fix the one you are already with. I believe it is the "wear & tear" over the years that just get you past going any longer. I know if he would make his list out about me, it would probably be a lot longer than mine about him, but the idea of 42 years of putting up with the same old crap year after year......and feeling like it is just getting worse and worse instead of better.....is very depressing.
I try to remember what my Dad told me one time. He said as long as you've got love at the bottom of any problem, you can work through it. I have tried to live by that all these years. I guess our love needs renewed or refreshed in some way. Does that sound crazy? Maybe it is just me that needs renewed and refreshed.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sounds like you have thought very thoroughly about it, and have come up with multiple things that you think would make you feel better. You're doing great, I think!
In my opinion, the most important actions to consider, are the reoccurring, frequent ones. One-time things may give you a momentary boost, but then when they are done, you'll be right back where you started. So, I think that the "go out somewhere" might kick-start you out of your current funk(so could be great to do!) but shouldnt count on the "list of 3" that I was suggesting you make.
So, here's what I see from you as your list:
Keep the house free of "junk" (start moving out stuff now)
Take care of the finances (which includes, but is not limited to, paying taxes by february 2008 this time!)
no more underwear in the house
possibly also, a regular "date night" kinda thing.
maintain the house properly. (possibly, work on one of those things that has been bothering you, at LEAST one day a weekend, every weekend)
I know you kinda said the underwear thing doesnt bother you... but I think you're wussing out there I think that it does bother you... and personally, i think it should. It shows a (unintentioned) lack of respect for you, in that he doesnt put in the effort to look good around you. Or at least, "reasonable".
There's a difference between "dressing up to go out", and "maintaining a reasonable level of cleanliness". Bathing regularly is only one of the things involved in the latter. Putting on some freakin clothes every day, is definately another! He is perfectly capable of picking out some "comfortable" clothes. If neccessary, go buy him enough sweatpants and T-shirts or something, to last a week. The whole "underwear is comfortable", is a bogus excuse.
Anyway, here's the third step I would like to suggest that you do:
look at the above simplified list, and pick "the top 3" to you. However... the "no more laying around in underware" must be in the top 3. The reason being, because I think that while it is in some way a "small" thing... it is with you every minute that you are together. In some ways, that can make you feel worse about a person, than a BIG thing, that only happens every few weeks or something.
Quote:
I try to remember what my Dad told me one time. He said as long as you've got love at the bottom of any problem, you can work through it. I have tried to live by that all these years. I guess our love needs renewed or refreshed in some way. Does that sound crazy?
Wise words.... i think that you may have had the "love" part all these years... but the two of you were lacking in the "work[ing on things]" department. Having love is the foundation, not the whole house, so to speak
You can do it. It's' maybe just that your tools are rusty, and need some good oil soaking, and caring cleaning of all the rust and gunk off
Last edited by Dom R; 12/04/0708:31 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I read this and think, what's in it for her husband? From his perspective, NOTHING is going to change. He is being asked to UNCONDITIONALLY change for her, while at the same time, SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO UNCONDITIONALLY DO ANYTHING FOR HIM. It's like saying, trust me, do these things for the next 3-4 years, and MAYBE something will change. What is really going to motivate him?
Keep the house free of "junk" (start moving out stuff now) Take care of the finances (which includes, but is not limited to, paying taxes by february 2008 this time!) no more underwear in the house possibly also, a regular "date night" kinda thing. maintain the house properly. (possibly, work on one of those things that has been bothering you, at LEAST one day a weekend, every weekend)
This sounds like things for me to do, but actually it is things he has to do on a regular basis b/c I do all I can to clear junk out, but he is the one that constantly piles it back in, plus I can't move what he has in the yard, so he would have to do that. I can only do part of the taxes since he is self employed. I explained the problem about that in one of my posts where I told how he never keeps any kind of records to show things he could count off for, etc. I do all I can and have it ready by tax season, but he doesn't pick up a thing until December and then expects our little DIL to come in here the last day and try to get it all done.
The "date night" thing....I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, but something fun without pressure sure would be nice. It would thrill me for him to do that. Or just play a game or anything sometimes other than watch TV. I get so bored I want to scream. We don't have any friends close to our age that we are like "running buddies" with b/c we don't run anywhere!
Since cold weather is moving in, he may relent to wear sweat pants. I can't get him to throw any papers away. Nothing! We've had our biggest fights over me throwing away old papers that didn't amount to anything. Outragious! He doesn't throw anything away and is constantly buying things he never uses.
Anyway, I will try to think of something more on a consistant line that I could explain. Although any of these areas......any change for the better would be heaven on earth!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Cemar, I don't know what your problem is. Are you so one-sided that you can never see the woman's point of view in anything? How can you ask what is in it for my H and how can you say that I don't have to do anything unconditionally? Did you not read what I posted?
One thing that might be in it for my H is a wife that doesn't walk out b/c I'm mighty close to it. And if your remarks are any indication of what it is like to live with you, then you must be one selfish man b/c most of the responses from you have been the same, "What's in it for the husband?"
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
