I Was Almost A WAW....Still (Next Thread)

[sandi2]

Hi DomR,

This is going to be a little journaling along with trying to answer you.

I actually don't tell him ILY except when he says it first.....uaually when we kiss good-night, and he has just stated doing that again lately. If I don't respond, it hurts him, so, I just try to say it back best I can. I don't really "feel" it, but I just do it anyway. The only time I ever did not respond to him telling me he loved me was when he knew about the OM but had not confronted me and was smothering me to death. He kept doing thaat until one day I just couldn't say it back anymore.... and it made him mad.

Right now, I don't want anything romantic from him. I don't want anything touchy-touchy. B/c it would be pressure on me. I don't know what I do want in our R as crazy as it sounds. At one time, I knew exactly what I wanted. Now, I just feel dead. It seems that he will never give me the intimate or emotional conversation I need. That is what I always wanted. Maybe the timing is not right for that now anyway....I don't know.

There are some physical things I want so badly to see happen. Like I need for him to do some desparately needed cleaning out and hauling off junk around the house. Things like that work on my nerves and can keep me in a down mood when I've asked him for years to haul some of that stuff away (you may think I am stretching this, but I'm not). It is embarrasing for me the way our yard looks to the neighborhood and I won't invite people over to the house b/c of it. I've talked about this before, but it is a real sore spot with me and he doesn't seem to care. So, that works against the R. I appreciate what he does to help around on the inside of the house, but I would really rather him to the manly things outside the house that I can't do. I don't know how to tell him this without it sounding as though I don't appreciate what he does and sound like I'm just bitching.

I want him to work steadily at his job and have a steady income and take care of business the way it should be done. It embarrases me for our name to come out in the local paper every year for not paying our personal taxes on time. These are probably not the things that you had in mind, but right now, those are the main issues that are bothering me where he is concerned. It spills over into the R.

He stays clean and doesn't have bad manners or anything like that. I don't like to see him in his underware laying around on the couch at night, but he says he is comfortable that way, so I guess I could learn to live with it. However, I would like for him to think of something fun for us to do.....that doesn't include a motel.....and it be all his idea and planning and just come in and tell me. That would be so exciting for me. Okay, now that I've journaled, I'll try to get down to business.

So, I guess I would have to say #1 to clean up the yard......I mean REALLY clean it up to make a difference. #2 to have more organized working skills (it's a long story, but I know what I mean by that statement), and #3 Plan something fun and exciting for us to do together other than go to a motel.

If I am way off base here, tell me, but like I said, it has worked on me so much until it has rubbed down into raw nerves in the R. I don't think he really, really understands just how badly. You see, when people come to our house, I don't like being embarrased and when he calls himself "fixing" something.....he doesn't. He just "riggs" it or patches it up for the time being. Half of everything in my house has been left undone. For example, he is a painter, okay? Well, he puts primer on our house about three years ago (maybe longer, can't remember now) and has never gotten around to putting the real paint on it. Now that is embarrasing. And, it's not b/c he is always working and doesn't have time b/c he doesn't work but about half time. But, that is just one thing......I could go on for days, but I won't bore you with details.

I can undertand what people mean when they make the statement that it is easier to start over with someone new than to try to fix the one you are already with. I believe it is the "wear & tear" over the years that just get you past going any longer. I know if he would make his list out about me, it would probably be a lot longer than mine about him, but the idea of 42 years of putting up with the same old crap year after year......and feeling like it is just getting worse and worse instead of better.....is very depressing.

I try to remember what my Dad told me one time. He said as long as you've got love at the bottom of any problem, you can work through it. I have tried to live by that all these years. I guess our love needs renewed or refreshed in some way. Does that sound crazy? Maybe it is just me that needs renewed and refreshed.