I remember (like it was yesterday!) the night when my suspicions were confirmed and I learned (yeah, through snooping, what can I say?) that the A was a PA. One of the very worst nights of my life. I wish I could help ease the pain that you're going through - I know how horrible this is. Even when the evidence kept piling up over time, it took me a while to build myself up to where I could face the truth. I fear that's where you are (or are heading) - but the good news is, I also hear a lot more strength in your posts lately. A lot more standing up for yourself, and a lot less feeling like the victim. That's great.
Some thoughts about your big conversation, based on my experiences. (Your mileage may vary.)
First, don't expect H to fall down on his knees and confess, or to ask forgiveness. I'll tell you what - my W has NEVER fessed up to the PA. On the one occasion when we had this conversation, the A was already crumbling, and all she admitted was that "it was headed that way". (I have never told her I knew it went farther than that - I applied the "Will this get me closer to my goal?" criteria and decided to let it slide. At this point, I am content to let it be water under the bridge for the rest of my life - but let's keep this thread about you and not about me.)
What I'm trying to say is - H has been lying to you. Big, stupid, obvious, unconvincing lies. Expect more of the same. This conversation is NOT about getting him to admit it. It is about making him know that you are not fooled. Do not argue with him or present itemized lists of evidence or let him try to rationalize it. The whole point is, face it buster - Sue is on to you. Period. Don't drag it out into a long ugly R talk - say your peace and be done.
Now, think about what you want to happen AFTER this conversation. Operative word: YOU. What are YOU going to do, or not do, differently? Because, this conversation will not give you more control over H's actions. He may even behave worse for a while - feeling like he is at last free to go have his nasty little affair without sneaking around - what a relief, now he doesn't have to pretend he's working out, etc.
So think about YOU. Once the cat is out of the bag, what are your actions going to be? What are your boundaries? How does this impact your DBing, and your GALing, and your PMA - because all of those things need to keep right on happening, even the day after you talk to him.
I'll tell you, one of the biggest feelings I had after this milestone in my sitch was RELIEF. No more ignoring the enormous elephant in the room. Lots of other icky stuff to come, but at least this weight of pretending and ignoring and questioning will be gone.
You may even find it very empowering to have this conversation, because in it you will take some control of the situation back, rather than letting H continue feeling like he is pulling all of the strings.
Oh, and your short, just focused on today, list is great.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I agree with Rob above 100%!! I always seem to have this fantasy that when you confront and lay down your boundaries they are going to fall to thier knees and beg for forgiveness. Maybe some do, but most don't (like my dh). Expect defensiveness, anger, withdrawl, threats and denial all the way. Like Rob said this talk is more for you and what you will or will not tolerate rather than trying to get H to change his actions. Face it. He is doing it now, why would he change now?
I agree as well...have your boundaries in line. What are you going to do after the talk? Decide in your mind how long you are going to allow him to cake eat right in your own home and under your nose. The part that kills me the most is how so very disrespectful they are. Maybe some consequences of his ongoing A will make him think different. Right now, he has the best of both worlds. He has OW when he wants, he is free to come and go and he has you and D3 sitting at home waiting for him. Such a sick game.
Hang in there.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I fully expect a lot of anger. I expect zero remorse, zero admissions, zero requests for forgiveness....etc. Trust me, I have NO expectations from him on this.
I guess my question is about devulging what I know. Rob, you said...don't give a list of details. How do I say it without letting him know that I'm aware of everything. I need to bring up D3 also, but I'm very afraid of making him think I'm attacking him as a father. No, I am not happy with how he's been with her, but I don't want to push that issue to far.
I know that only I can do this, but any suggestions on how??
One thing I thought about saying after is....I'm determined to be happy. I'd prefer to be happy with you and as a family, but I need to be happy either way, for me and D3. I also need to ask you not to contact OW while you are home. This isn't fair to me or D3. This is our home and we don't deserve to have this happen here.
???????
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
One thing I thought about saying after is....I'm determined to be happy. I'd prefer to be happy with you and as a family, but I need to be happy either way, for me and D3. I also need to ask you not to contact OW while you are home. This isn't fair to me or D3. This is our home and we don't deserve to have this happen here. ***************************************************************** Sue, I think this is a good start. Is there a word you can use other than "fair"? Something like- it's unacceptable for you to be communicating with your lover in front of your wife and daughter. I can't control what you do, but me and D3 deserve for you to respect our home and keep OW out of it.
I guess I'm thinking about you asserting yourself and your boundaries instead of appealing to your H's fairness or counting on him to care much about how his actions are affecting you and D3.
Sue, It sounds like you have your head on straight about this, and understand what to expect. Good for you, that's a terrific start!
The point I was trying to make was, try very hard to stick to a short: "I know you are having an affair. I'm not stupid, and you are not subtle." I think he may try to wiggle out of it or try to turn it around on you - just don't even let him go there.
Don't let him draw you into some kind of debate about whether or not he is actually having the A.
Don't let him question how you know, so he can "explain that it's not the way it looks."
Don't let him make YOU out as the "bad guy" for snooping.
Don't let him shift the blame and tell you "it's really all your fault that the M is having trouble."
These are all very possible reactions (from what I've seen shared here on the boards). Most of them are attempts at deflecting the blame and guilt. Don't let him get away with them.
Also, I like your boundary about keeping out of the house and away from D3. That seems like a very good idea. Just remember, you can't control what he does - he may not comply, and you may have to push this line in the sand pretty hard. Stay strong.
Many, MANY hugs and good wishes for you and D3!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I am sorry for the hard time you are going through. Reading your post reminded me of one day a very long time ago I found in a drawer a pill wrapped up in aluminum and asked H what it was although I already knew. He told me he just wanted to try it. but now I recall he never used it with me and I don't know what's the end of this pill. Anyway, back then I trusted him enough to completely forget about it. Just wanted to share some thoughts. Some guys use this for a medical condition, some to see what's the buzz about. But if a guy uses it in the A situation for me it screams that he is not having a good time after all for he have to rely on something for it. Hope the upside is that he realizes that he is the one with the issues no matter whom he's with. That's what my H said happened to him and he said it is a big turn down. Sometimes I wonder if that's why he says he wants to be with me. Not many women can cope with being understanding for a long time.
Wow Sue.. Im nervous for you! But I think you will feel better once you get this off your chest.
You need to preserve your own self respect and dignity, having this talk is the 1st step. In addition, your D needs to see you as a confident mother.
I think its time to take back your confidence and begin rebuilding your own sense of self. Easier said than done, I know.
Remain calm during your talk because I guarantee you, he will say some things that are going to hurt and are going to piss you off. Be prepared for that.
H4C
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Remain calm during your talk because I guarantee you, he will say some things that are going to hurt and are going to piss you off. Be prepared for that.
Yes, he probably will. You confronting him will rock his perfect little world and he will get defensive. Be ready for the blame shift game and how its your fault somehow. I was in the hospital saturday night with some possible preterm labor. My dh wasn't home and stayed out all night. He had no idea I even went. I tried twice to call and a friend went by his house 3 times. When he found out he said I should have tried harder to get ahold of him and he got angry.
Remember a quote I saw on here a few days ago: Anger is guilt turned outwards.
You can do this.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I feel your pain and I am so sorry you are at this situation. Don't know if it's helpful but actually finding out about the PA was horrible but I can tell you that I felt much worse finding out about the EAs prior to that. It's horrible to say but we kind of get used to going through this crap. Like military training it build you muscles and resistance. I guess you will be surprised that when you have this talk some sort of shield will come to your hand that you didn't even know existed.
You've come a long way and you are strong. Take that advantage. I sensed from your posts and the feedbacks you got you are more of an aggregation type of person than confrontational. That's because you want to be good to everyone and it's a very endearing quality. But you can't please Greeks and Trojans sometimes no matter what you do so I think you don't have to waste your energy trying to find a compromising way of doing this. You can't live the consequences of the other people acts to protect them. Haven't heard about doing the good sometimes means you are doing harm?
