Why can't I do this....

[houndfan]

Conversely, I am learning that my happiness has very little to do with her and our relationship. You see, happiness is becomming more about what makes me happy and whole rather than what looks like happy.

I'd say you've already found your answer.
Good for you
[/quote]

What to do now you ask. Fish, I am guessing that you may want to pay attention to this too. The only thing that I can do is hope that I am taking all the steps necessary to make myself happy and not tie too much to W.

For example, I had another day of what I call her waivering. She called me last night upset that I did not come over for dinner. She had made something special and was hoping that I would come over. Due to a set of circumstances that I can't really control I was not able to come by for dinner. I could tell on the phone that she was disappointed. Maybe the disappointment was that she made food for 4 and only 3 ate or whatever. But, this was a Dom moment... she was reaching out to me for a 180 and I could not make it happen last night.

But this morning after Men's group I did take some of that wonderful dinner and she even made me a plate for lunch today!!! This from a woman who for years refused to make me a lunch because I am a big boy and should be able to do that for myself. She made me a plate of food!!!!!!!!!!

Can I tell you again FISH she made me a plate of food. Wow! So what does that mean? I don't really know but it made me feel great! What made me feel better was about 5 minutes ago when I finshed my pork chop, green beans, and scallopped potatoes and thought that I am going to learn how to make something really special. Not so much for her, but because I love to cook so much something I never realized until this all happened.

Sorry I am all over the board today. Fish, don't give up if you believe in your heart that your life is meant to be shared with your W and D. Don't give up on your D after 2 months.... Even though she gave me a wonderful plate of food that wall was still there, but I am willing to find a way around it if I have to because I finally feel like I am overflowing with love and that is a great place to be.

Until.... I get down again. LOL.

Fish, I think that we can do it. You and I and Dom and Whatis and the Col and Cat and all the others. That is the greatness of this board come in and vent and fret and worry. But go out prepared to roll, ready to take on this mess that we are all in.

Sorry for the soapbox, but while I still feel that my W is on the fence I am so over that same fence.....