Looking at that made me sad. The fact is that even if a woman is able to maintain her sexuality with motherhood in that manner often her H is not able to take on the complimentary role. Earth Goddess sexuality is sometimes too comforting and cow-like to arouse.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
No, I have NEVER faked O's. Maybe he would prefer it if I did, lol! But, no never.
One thing he has said many times is, "You SAY you would never do it if you don't want to, but your actions say otherwise." I do not perceive myself to be a lie-there-like-a-wet-rag type person, but I admit there are times where I say and move less. I'm probably tired or pissed off somewhat, but still wanting to do it.
As far as O, I do masturbate and have since I was young. I can make myself O this way and when I was younger, I did everytime. After we had been married many years, had kids, etc., he would sometimes ask me if I masturbated. (his way of being sexy, I think, but it seems more like a jab almost). I would not lie, I would usually say that I didn't, because I hadn't or I maybe had my hand on myself for a short time while watching tv or falling asleep but did not intentionally masturbate to a conclusion. Almost like it was an absent-minded massage type thing. I was often in a stage where I wasn't preoccupied with wanting it from him and I didn't really want it from myself either. I would be ok with making love, but wasn't feeling "hot and bothered." I just wanted to try and get everything else done in my life, (papers graded, house somewhat picked up, read to my kids, etc.) and with any extra time, I would do something like play on the computer, scrapbook, or watch tv. (He goes to bed early all the time and I'm a night owl.)
He will sometimes tell me he wants to make me come and I do like that, but while he is going down on me, I often have LOTS of issues with his tongue rubbing me the wrong way (too intense) that makes me jump (and almost puts me back at square one) or his goatee/stubble rubbing me (it feels like needles, I swear) and that is just not sexy. So there are times when I will say "come up here" meaning that's not working for me tonight and I would rather have him inside me, which I would tell him. We have actually had fights start during sex because he is almost pressuring me to come. Well, sorry, him making it an expectation makes it even less likely to happen! I told him this, but it didn't help much. I can also O during intercourse if I raise myself up and help with my own hand. He likes that, but I just am not always close enough to want to bother. If I feel like I'm a long ways from coming and he had already come, I am ok with stopping. He always asks, do you want me to keep going, but I almost always say no, because his rhythm is different and it's all gushy, which feels different and I know it "tickles" him to continue to go after he has come.
SORRY FOR ALL THE INFO! I appreciate the sex therapy very much though. How much do I owe you all?
PS Hairdog, that made me laugh. We are a total non-sports lovin' house. His favorite shows are Star Trek (gag!) and Dirty Jobs. lol! Any ideas there? ;-)
I bought two very similar books and yes, I will admit, I have only skimmed them. Note to self, actually read them. The "bend" was a little too Earth Mother as MJ described in one of them. The other one had a tone which was helpful and productive, I think I just got sidetracked from it when things started improving.
I just want to say that I think it is awesome that you are doing this at all and if I was receiving it from my wife, I would be thrilled and there is no question it would be the best Christmas present I ever received from her. The reason why is not only because of the items on the coupons (the wax is my personal favorite, btw) but because of the thought required shows that you really care. At the end of the day, I think that if both spouses care to this level, things will work themselves out. Of course, in my case (and I think most HD cases) only the HD partner appears to care and therin lies the problem. So, great idea.
One suggestion though is that you make sure you follow up and request redemption. Maybe put expiration dates on them, like real coupons. I have done both the homemade variety, and also bought a pack of premade ones (I think at Barnes & Noble) that were really good, and they sat in my wife's drawer. Doesn't sound like your sitch is the same, but I think having a way to follow up after the gift helps with coupons.
Speaking of follow-up, I will be interested in hearing how this goes for you.
PF
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
I'm not sure I'm understanding what you are saying. Is it the book that makes you mad or that many women lose themselves sexually with motherhood?
I haven't read that book, but I have read the same authors' "The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex" which is OUTSTANDING and certainly doesn't promote cow-like sexuality, lol.
Maybe that is the book I should have suggested, but I guess I'm expecting the same kind of healthy sexuality from the Motherhood book that they delivered in the other book. I know that for many women, at least according to my old C, they lose the beginnings of an authentic sexuality by become wives and mothers, who are "supposed to be" less hot/horny/dirty/kinky than their authentic sexual selves are (or would be if not stuffed and silenced by the wife/mother roles.)
'm not sure I'm understanding what you are saying. Is it the book that makes you mad or that many women lose themselves sexually with motherhood?
I just read the reviews and they seemed to indicate that it was promoting a sort of Earth Goddess sexuality which I think is a good thing because it is one healthy, earthy way to be sexual. Basically, that's how I maintained my sexuality when I was in my breeding phase. I just remember being a young HD mother standing in line at the alternative college town video store with a baby in a sling and a toddler running about renting some porn in order to get my H turned on enough to have sex with me. I didn't want romance. I wanted hot, earthy, raw "I am a woman in her power who can use her body fully" sex but the boy I married was still in teen fantasy MB mode. It makes me sad to think about that. In retrospect, it seems likely to me that he might have acted more like a man if I had stayed more like a girl but I didn't feel girlishly sexual when I was in mother mode. I felt strong and womanly. It's so counter-intuitive but so true that we often unconsciously signal for the opposite of the sexual partner that we really want. For instance, I find it very often to be the case that if I'm thinking "I want you to f*ck my brains out." and I don't consider my actions to further that goal, I end up on top of a guy basically f*cking his brains out instead. Which works for me too but ....
Last edited by MJontheMend; 12/04/0707:08 PM.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Thank you, so much, Packerfan! If my husband would just say that to me, I would do every single one of those things with pleasure. They ARE all about fulfilling his fantasies, (shaving, me initiating, being "into it" etc.) I thought this would help.
I agree with the exp dates, but didn't even suggest it, because I thought it might appear too "controlling". That's why I had the idea of having two for each month, so they are "use em or lose em." lol! For Valentine's Day a couple years ago, I went to an adult shop and bought him some whipped cream in a can (called "*ussy Whip" hee hee!) and a set of cards called "12 Romantic Dates." He never opened the whipped cream and never did a single "date." He said they all seemed too cheesy. Here's the first one I opened: "Dinner & a Movie ~ Thisis the ultimate tried and true date. You can make this date romantic, action packed, adventurous, funny or a combination of all the above. It all depends on what favorite restaurant you decide to make reservations at and what movie you choose to see together. Don't forget to hold hands and sit in the back row!"
Now, what is so difficult about that? Maybe he initiated a dinner and a movie sometime, but I don't know for sure.
By the way, I bought the Passionate Marriage and had a hard time getting anything out of it. I need to delve deeper into it.
Thank you, so much, Packerfan! If my husband would just say that to me, I would do every single one of those things with pleasure. They ARE all about fulfilling his fantasies, (shaving, me initiating, being "into it" etc.) I thought this would help.
I agree with the exp dates, but didn't even suggest it, because I thought it might appear too "controlling". That's why I had the idea of having two for each month, so they are "use em or lose em." lol! For Valentine's Day a couple years ago, I went to an adult shop and bought him some whipped cream in a can (called "*ussy Whip" hee hee!) and a set of cards called "12 Romantic Dates." He never opened the whipped cream and never did a single "date." He said they all seemed too cheesy. Here's the first one I opened: "Dinner & a Movie ~ Thisis the ultimate tried and true date. You can make this date romantic, action packed, adventurous, funny or a combination of all the above. It all depends on what favorite restaurant you decide to make reservations at and what movie you choose to see together. Don't forget to hold hands and sit in the back row!"
Now, what is so difficult about that? Maybe he initiated a dinner and a movie sometime, but I don't know for sure.
By the way, I bought the Passionate Marriage and had a hard time getting anything out of it. I need to delve deeper into it.
