WAW hasn't walked yet, but emotionally dead

[john210]

The problem I have with detachment is that it works well during the week. On weekends since we live in the same house and we have children it becomes more difficult. Also, the slightest interest or positive move on her part and I backslide. I will need to work on this. I guess I will be on my way to detaching when WAW asks me to join her and I refuse. Although this is one of her complaints about our R...I let her do too many things alone. Go figure....now she needs space. I am thinking way more than I should.

[wawpioneer]

That is a good point. I find that the day seems easier to get through if I can plan some things to do.

[mako]

Yes, having plans is important, I find it much easier to GAL if I plan ahead, it's a lot harder to just pick up and do something spontaneously. Plus, john, if you already have plans it's a lot easier to say no to your W.

Thanks all for the support!

[john210]

Mako, even if I have plans, I would break them in a flash if my WAW would ask me to join her (even if for a visit to her mom's place). This is in sharp contrast to what I would have done before the bomb. Actually come to think of it that is another one of her complaints. My lack of effort to get close to her mom.......I better not go there.

[mako]

Mako, even if I have plans, I would break them in a flash if my WAW would ask me to join her (even if for a visit to her mom's place). This is in sharp contrast to what I would have done before the bomb. Actually come to think of it that is another one of her complaints.

I don't know the answer, between doing a large 180 that your W would want changed for any reconciliation, and giving her space. I've struggled with that also, as sharing of emotions was our biggest R problem and now I'm prepared to try more of that but she doesn't really want it now...I have done better at my sharing since the bomb, but I think some of that pushed her away. Often at this point they see positive changes as "he's just trying to get me back, it won't last, too little too late." So, again, I just don't know...

[mako]

Now I'm a little surprised.

She responded to me saying I'll give her all the space she wants: "thanks for being understanding. phone and emails are ok for me, it's just hanging out in person is hard."

She wants space, but just physical space, not phone and e-mail space? Yet when i call/write she often doesn't respond for days, which tells me she wants space there too...

How does she know that hanging out in person is hard, I haven't seen her in two weeks and even before that she mostly avoided me. We haven't really hung out since september.

Why is it hard, if you are so emotionally dead towards me? What the heck does she want?

Yes, these are all rhetorical, unanswerable questions. So I'm going to keep up the original plan. As I said before, I am going to give her a lot of space, she can contact me if she wants. She needs to deal with herself right now, and I need to deal with me, too much contact will get in the way of those things. I am patient but if I consume myself with this I'm slowly going to go nuts, I need some detachment to lessen the ups and downs.

But I know that stopping the pursuit doesn't mean ignoring. When she contacts me I'll respond, though I probably won't be super available, wait a while to get back to her. I imagine some of the "progress" she said she saw was me getting out and living my life without her. So I'll let us deal with life a little without each other and see what happens. On that note, I will respond to this message, maybe tomorrow, just a short and sweet bit of validation.

[Heimlich]

Tough one, Mako. If she's open to email/phone contact, the occassional, "hey, how you doing" or "I saw something funny and wanted to share" look to be OK. Once a week maybe?

You've got the idea behind detaching down, wish I had gotten it as quickly.

getting out and living my life without her

Bingo. Some pretty good wineries in northern virginia -- Breaux, Chrysalis, Tarawa, couple others -- if you like that sort of thing.

BD

[lushmd]

Sounds like a solid plan mako. Give her the opportunity to miss you by continuing to not initiate contact (and don't be too eager/effusive when you respond). My wife said something similar re it being too hard (in her case, for physical or phone contact) and I also didn't quite understand it. Even if you don't understand it, respect her wishes. Good idea re detaching, something I need to work on as well.

[john210]

Mako,
For what it's worth my WAW communicates almost normally with text and e-mail, however, in person the wall comes up. Usually the "better" e-mails and text messages are when we are apart for several days (like beginning tommorow). When she or I come home she is a different person. I did ask her about this and her answer was interesting. When we are apart she reminisces about the early days, when we are together reality sets in. Now I know this is not your case neccesarily but I thought I would share it with you.
From what I can gather from your sitch, much like my WAW, they do not neccesarily know what they want.
I was speaking to a buddy of mine this AM. and he asked how long are you going to keep this up? The question kind of froze me. We have to be patient and try to focus on other aspects of our lives or yes we will be consumed (I know I am on my way).
Again the secret is detachment. One last point if I may. In early November, I went on my yearly golf trip with the boys. I made it a point to leave my cell at home. Told her if she needed to reach me she could call one of my buddy's cell. I did this to help me go dark. Well, I honestly think she was struggling with me being so far away and not being available. That was my best 10 days of going dark yet. I wish I could afford to go play golf in FLA. for a couple of weeks, it would make me forget about WAW and the snow for a while.

[mako]

As always, thanks for the comments all.

You always see it on these boards: detachment is key, until you let them go they won't even consider coming back. It's very scary and takes some time to get there, but I think I am now.

BD-I'm going to take it slow and follow her lead for now. If she gets more responsive I may step up things a little. Slow though. Thanks for the tip about the wineries, may check em out.

Lush-I sure don't get it, but I'll give her what she wants right now. To do otherwise will push her further away.

John-my W is also seemingly most comfortable with me on e-mail. That's even how she dropped the bomb! I hope with some time to herself, knowing that I am safely leaving her alone, she'll too start to think of the good times. Or at the very least do some work on herself, I get the impression she's not quite where she wants to be and needs some time for herself.