WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..

[jab]

New development.

W had pending gynecologist appt today which she was stating was for an overdue checkup. W wanted to change appt because she had to work last night and didn't think she could make it.

W was acting secretive when she was calling gynecologist. I had a 'funny feeling'.

On the phone, I overheard her say she was scheduled to be fitted for an IUD (I have a vasectomy). Right after the D-bomb 6 weeks ago she mentioned something about searching on computer for IUD but it was a fleeting thought and for me not to get over reactive about it if I saw it.

I'm REALLY pressed to call the whole move off now. I have a feeling that she's not planning to use this S as anything other than to escape me and it's easy for her. I don't think W has any intention of working anything out. I think W's lying about it all.

No wonder when I 'unloaded' the other night, she acted understanding about it the next morning and told me she understood. No wonder she feels awkward about all the RIGHT things I'm doing and how much I'm helping her with things. She feels guilty. I'm seeing things pretty differently this morning.

I don't care if I blow my retirement (it's not like it's that much $$), I'll take cabs to work if I have to until I find a carpool. If she's not being honest, why should I move out if there's an EA, PA, if she's planning on or there already is infidelity? My sentencing is 7 days out, I can change my plan anytime up to that point. I'm even considering a private eye because of all the mentions of D on her part.

Thoughts, PLEASE!!! I'm really confused about my sitch.

[dh4320]

Ja,

You are getting too worked up, remember when u snoop u find things that u dont want to. My W looked into getting tubes tide, she is allergic to pretty much every type of birth control, this is a woman who wanted 4-6 kids we only have 2 now. If there is an EA or PA there is nothing u can do about it, if you start in at her about it you will be pushing her closer to it. Stay strong and detach you need to for your own sanity...

[SingleAgain]

jaBRWok,
You have a tough decision ahead of you. I know the impacts of these decisions also. Your situation caught my eye as my red flag meter was off the chart. Even though you and I don't know each other I could not pass by (knowingly) without giving my opinion (and it is just that) as to what I see developing.

I will state again: she is not looking out for you and that is the bottom line. Damage control and making sure that YOU get a fair shake in this is a priority. The path you are on will test you to your limits and you will see exactly what you are made of. I have no doubt that however it goes you will still be standing somewhere with your head high.

A cool head with thought based on logic and not emotion is where you need to be.

I did some searches for your state.

http://www.erideshare.com

http://www.carpoolworld.com

http://www.carpoolconnect.com

[jab]

Thanks,

I'm really trying my best to keep a cool head and not jump to any irrational decisions or actions.

I needed to validate for myself that something was going on and it wasn't my imagination. I snooped, when we are in S, I can't snoop anymore. In one way it makes me feel better but on the other hand, if I knew a couple weeks ago what I know now my decision would have been different. I had no proof, just 'a feeling'.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do at this point. I'm still digesting the info. I keep thinking to myself that I cannot do anything to stop W's actions right now. I keep thinking that maybe I'm jumping to conclusions and it isn't what I'm thinking. If I keep this to myself, I'm going to have a hard time with it. I really want to just bring out the truth but have no idea how to do that without shooting myself in the foot. I think I'm just going to sit on this info for 24-48 hours and continue with the move out, it can still be reversed although every day that passes it gets more difficult to reverse.

Regardless, I'm going to perform damage control. I won't act like I'm doing it but no way am I taking my name off mortgage at this point. I have to prepare myself for the worst at all cost and retain what is rightfully mine as far as assets go. That's what is scaring the hell out of me right now, the fact that none of this S agreement is documented, it's all informal. My head is on the chopping block right now if it turns into a legal battle. This is one reason why I'm trying to keep calm and not do anything to worsen the sitch.

My whole thinking was to just try and give her some 'alone time' to collect her thoughts, calm down and see where it goes. Right now, I don't see it going anywhere but I know it's still pretty early in the game.

[COG]

Jab,

My whole thinking was to just try and give her some 'alone time' to collect her thoughts, calm down and see where it goes.

That is a very good defensive game plan my friend, but you need a strong offense to go with it.

How about this for a plan: I mainly read through your first few posts and I have a feel for your sitch. I've been here awhile now, and have seen this scenario before. I see your focus is mostly on your W, on her wanting a D, her wanting an IUD, her actions, her thoughts, her not wanting you. I strongly encourage you to accept the truth here.

First: YOU are the one that has almost single handedly destroyed your M with your drinking. She'll not trust you again until you have recovered. Your DUI's have put her kids future at risk, and that will not and should not be tolerated. When you can go a year or two without a drink she might think about giving you another chance. Casual drinking is out, drinking just at home, OUT. No more, nada, done for life. Not one more drop, EVER! You are an alchoholic. The sooner you accept that, find the help and support that YOU need, the sooner you can move forward with your life and hopefully save your M. But it begins with YOU, not your W. YOU are the one that needs fixing. YOU need the counseling, YOU need communication skills, YOU need a set of balls. It's all on you, not on your W.

It's time to grow up my brother. You've been just a boy, and now it's time to become a man. Show this woman the man that is buried deep down inside you. This is not about HER, it's about YOU! Please accept that. Don't spend years, like most of us here have, trying figuring that out. Your W is leaving you because you have acted poorly, selfishly, and disrespectfully. Yes you've been a good provider, allowed her freedom, supported her education, etc. etc., but you've still let her down my friend, in a big way.

So start working on YOU today, and do it because it's the right thing to do, NOT because you expect something in return. Forgive your W, understand that she is right in leaving you becuase you've been an idiot. And start transforming yourself into someone that she can respect and admire.

Start with friendship and work up from there.

I'll suggest two programs for YOU.

http://www.divorcecare.com Great program to help you avoid the pitfalls of separation.

http://www.retrouvaille.org Will help you understand women, and communication like no other.

Good luck my friend. Sorry I couldn't be softer in the delivery, but I don't really know any other way. Wanted to get right to the heart of the matter.

Keep working on YOU my brother.

God Bless,

COG

[COG]

Oh, and a couple other things.

1)It's going to take month's, if not YEARS to repair the damage, and heal your M. Start thinking in terms of baby steps. You'll move the mountain one bucketfull at a time.

2)A spiritual life will help you. Miracles do happen, and prayers work.

3)Each and everyone of us are flawed, prone to make mistakes.

4)Keep low expectations.

5)Don't set time schedules in terms of re-uniting. She'll NEVER come "back" to you. She may move forward with you, but not with the same person that YOU were.

6)Let go the controls. Let your actions be of righteousness, but not necessarily for the desired outcome.

7)Be humble, admit your failures, ask for forgiveness, and take real steps to avoid making the same mistakes again.

8)Prepare for a bloody battle. You will be battered, bloodied, and neglected. That's the price you'll pay for maturity and growth. Growing pains of sacrifice.

9)Stand for righteousness. Fight temptation(ie judgement, anger, jealousy, control, anxiety, and resentment). Fear nothing!

10)Forgive your W. Love her as her creator loves her. She is not yours to possess, but yours to admire.

11)Be polite, friendly, supportive, encouraging, and joyful.

12)Stay in the reality of the moment. Let yesterday rest, and don't worry about tomorrow.

There is a purpose and a plan for everything. Realize that you are part of a greater plan and accept your position. Embrace the struggle, let go your past, and move forward with courage, strength, and faith.

God Bless You,

COG

[AmyC]

Oh, yeah.
I knew that was gonna hurt.

jaB - Pay attention to the veterans I am sending your way.
COG is one of them. You will hear a lot of things you probably are not ready to hear but the fact of the matter is you have to realize YOUR ENTIRE part in the destruction of your marriage. You are too focused on what SHE has done/is doing/might be doing.

Tip for you - the things you read that chap your ass are probably right on the money. Drop your defenses here and open your eyes. That's what this takes. Oh, and balls.
BIIIIG balls.

[Daz_Con]

I have the same thing with the vasectomy, but I did it for my W two weeks before she left me!! Not to happy with that, but life is what it is. Good luck with you sitch!! Happy holidays!

[Daz_Con]

I have the same thing with the vasectomy, but I did it for my W two weeks before she left me!! Not to happy with that, but life is what it is. Good luck with you sitch!! Happy holidays!

[jab]

Guys/gals,
Thanks for the advice and understanding.

I've got the balls. I've got the determination and strength. I'm taking your advice seriously.

Don't think I'm being fececious when I say that I already have realized what part I had in the destruction of M. I plan on working on myself and I know that is the only way I will have any chance at this having a happy outcome.

I'm trying to forgive her. I understand why she was unhappy. I know it's going to take a long time for this process to run it's course. I'm just glad I found this website, if I didn't any chance of saving M would have been already destroyed and I would have lost all hope of saving myself. I also do believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that this is 'divine intervention'. I don't know what my higher power has planned, but I'm sure the outcome will be better than this place.

I never wanted W to 'accept' or 'tolerate' my drinking and past mistakes. I just want/wanted her to 'understand' them. I want/wanted her to 'understand' her mistakes. I thought she understood my shortcomings and was willing to be patient enough for us to work them out until 6 weeks ago. I'm in the process of moving boxes right now. Regardless, it is the right thing to do for the moment