I soooo dont want to be divorced and I dont want to have to start dating again. All I wanted was my family together.
I hear ya' brother. Loud and clear. There was a time when I felt the same way. But I no longer feel that way. This is going to be a long reply, but hang with me, OK? Here is how I see it:
Because your situation is moving quickly, you need to accelerate your emotional status. What I mean by that is that you need to get to the point where you no longer "hang your hat" on your marriage. Right now, you see the only pathway to your own happiness includes your wife. You do not see yourself as capable of being happy without her.
As painful as this may be, imagine if (heaven forbid) she were to die. Today. What would be your response? Sadness, loss, grief... of course. But would you be sad forever?
And what would you want your daughter to see? My guess is that you would probably have this response: After a period of mourning, you would sit her down and say, "Honey, we both miss mommy. She is gone, and it's time to move on." You would put away the sackcloth and ashes and... well, move on. You would want your daughter to have a life cloaked in happiness, rather than grief. Unfortunately, right now, the life you envision for yourself is forever cloaked in grief (from the demise of your marriage).
So, the time is now. It's time to turn the page on your life. It is not easy. Here is how I did it. Detachment 101:
- Focus on the pain. Continue to remind yourself that she is hurting you, and know that life without her is a life of less emotional pain.
- When you are out, look at other women. Don't leer at them. Just observe. See how many attractive women are out there. There are many. You will note that many are currently married. And some are currently married to husbands who are presently cheating on them. It's no secret that the road runs both ways. The point here is that the world is a target-rich environment. There are other possibilities.
- Remind yourself over and over that you deserve better. Being betrayed by our spouses has been brutal to our self-esteem. But our response has been, for the most part, wrong. Rather than saying, "I am such a lousy person that my spouse cheated on me," instead we should be saying this:
"My spouse has abused and neglected a valuable asset - ME!! They have taken something that they should have treasured, and abandoned it. I deserve better. I am worth much more than this. I am strong, energetic, attractive, confident, emotionally stable, parentally oriented, commitment-focused... sheesh, what's not to like about me??? I don't know what's going to happen, but whomever ends up with me is gonna end up with a damn fine person!! It may be my current spouse. Or I may need to ring the dinner bell. Either way, I'm gonna shine!!! My life is gonna be great!!"
In summary, the sooner you get to this point, the better. And remember this:
Divorcebusting is not about stopping divorce. It's about the LBS improving themselves to the point where the WAS is forced to make an extremely painful and difficult choice. Will they abandon a confident, attractive, "known quantity," (and possibly) parent of their kid(s) in favor of what is really the unknown?
The answer is different for every situation. Regardless, in the end, if you do all of this, you will be a much better person, and the person you become will be a great spouse.
