I cant believe she moved the guy in!!! She must of been planning this since May when she first met him and then started dating me in August... all along telling me that she didnt have anyone else.
I dont know what to do guys... I really need some advice.
I dont think I have any other option but to file for the divorce and try and get custody.
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Its just such a shock. I hope you got some sleep, some rest at least. She won't listen to reason (that OM shouldn't live there at the very least when D is there), so you have no choice but to talk to an atty. Are you guys legally separated?
I didn't know this (maybe different in all states), but adultery isn't adultery when you are legally separated.....
lwb... Colorado is a no fault state so adultery wont come into play. We were never legally separated. In fact, Im still paying ALL our bills from our marriage. WE owe thousands as W is bi-polar and went nuts with credit cards... almost lost our house because of it.
She actually hid not paying the mortgage for 3 months! I found out about it when I got a call from a bill collector saying I owed them 5,000 or they were going to start foreclosure...
Im so scared for my D being a witness to all this stuff with OM. She showed me her diary and in it said that she hated OM because her mom only pays attention to him.
Then D started getting physical symptoms...headaches and upset stomach everyday.
Now she cries everytime she has to go back to her mom's house and this all started when OM moved in.
W is too blind and selfish to see how this is affecting her D.
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Not much sleep last night... the betrayal I feel is undescribable.
Im so hurt that my W would be so reckless with our D. Its weird because I miss W but I also hate her.
When we were arguing last night... she made fun of me for sending her flowers when she had another man living there (I was unaware).
Im starting to think her character is just flawed... she always hid money from me, there were always rumors of affairs, we separated once about 4 years ago for a month and when we got back together, I got an STD. She denied she was ever with anyone.
Then... when we separated 2 years ago... she took our daughter on Christmas day, ruined everyones Christmas.
The list goes on and on. I was fooled by thinking she had changed during our 2 years apart. God I was so stupid to believe she could change.
All our bills from our marriage (thousands) are still being paid by me, she has not offered to help once but told me all the bills were 50/50 when she left.
Now our D is suffering and W couldnt care less.
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Please don't call yourself stupid. All you wanted to do was have your family intact again. That's not stupid. I know how you feel.....betrayed. I feel the same way. I know my M wasn't perfect, but I didn't deserve to be betrayed again like this.
I cannot even begin to imagine what it's like to have your D away from you. I do understand the concern for her though. Our D3 has been having issues with her tummy too. She started asking why daddy is sleeping on the couch, asking me not to leave her....etc. Breaks my heart.
Take care of yourself. We're here for you.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Thanks Sue... I just left a voicemail for a well known attorney in my area. She was able to get my brother full custody of his kids when his wife left him for another guy.
I hate so much that it has come to this, but I feel like I need to stop playing nice as my W is just taking advantage of me.
My D is looking for me to protect her, she told me she isnt comfortable in her own house!!! Thats so wrong.
My W can be vicious so I know its probably going to get worse before it gets any easier. It also doesnt help that she's off her bi-polar meds.
I think our conversation last night was the final nail in the coffin for our R. I really cant see us ever recovering from it.
I soooo dont want to be divorced and I dont want to have to start dating again. All I wanted was my family together.
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
I soooo dont want to be divorced and I dont want to have to start dating again. All I wanted was my family together.
H4C- You have so nailed what so many of us feel right on the head!!
I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. I really am. It just blows me away that there are SO many people that have to go through this. And this website is just one of many that give support like this....and then there are those going through this that haven't even found the wonderful support that we have.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I soooo dont want to be divorced and I dont want to have to start dating again. All I wanted was my family together.
I hear ya' brother. Loud and clear. There was a time when I felt the same way. But I no longer feel that way. This is going to be a long reply, but hang with me, OK? Here is how I see it:
Because your situation is moving quickly, you need to accelerate your emotional status. What I mean by that is that you need to get to the point where you no longer "hang your hat" on your marriage. Right now, you see the only pathway to your own happiness includes your wife. You do not see yourself as capable of being happy without her.
As painful as this may be, imagine if (heaven forbid) she were to die. Today. What would be your response? Sadness, loss, grief... of course. But would you be sad forever?
And what would you want your daughter to see? My guess is that you would probably have this response: After a period of mourning, you would sit her down and say, "Honey, we both miss mommy. She is gone, and it's time to move on." You would put away the sackcloth and ashes and... well, move on. You would want your daughter to have a life cloaked in happiness, rather than grief. Unfortunately, right now, the life you envision for yourself is forever cloaked in grief (from the demise of your marriage).
So, the time is now. It's time to turn the page on your life. It is not easy. Here is how I did it. Detachment 101:
- Focus on the pain. Continue to remind yourself that she is hurting you, and know that life without her is a life of less emotional pain.
- When you are out, look at other women. Don't leer at them. Just observe. See how many attractive women are out there. There are many. You will note that many are currently married. And some are currently married to husbands who are presently cheating on them. It's no secret that the road runs both ways. The point here is that the world is a target-rich environment. There are other possibilities.
- Remind yourself over and over that you deserve better. Being betrayed by our spouses has been brutal to our self-esteem. But our response has been, for the most part, wrong. Rather than saying, "I am such a lousy person that my spouse cheated on me," instead we should be saying this:
"My spouse has abused and neglected a valuable asset - ME!! They have taken something that they should have treasured, and abandoned it. I deserve better. I am worth much more than this. I am strong, energetic, attractive, confident, emotionally stable, parentally oriented, commitment-focused... sheesh, what's not to like about me??? I don't know what's going to happen, but whomever ends up with me is gonna end up with a damn fine person!! It may be my current spouse. Or I may need to ring the dinner bell. Either way, I'm gonna shine!!! My life is gonna be great!!"
In summary, the sooner you get to this point, the better. And remember this:
Divorcebusting is not about stopping divorce. It's about the LBS improving themselves to the point where the WAS is forced to make an extremely painful and difficult choice. Will they abandon a confident, attractive, "known quantity," (and possibly) parent of their kid(s) in favor of what is really the unknown?
The answer is different for every situation. Regardless, in the end, if you do all of this, you will be a much better person, and the person you become will be a great spouse.
