If anything, this can 'cool' things down around you and open up the communication lines a bit more, even if about the kids. These are good things. Sounds like you remain calm, but stated your love. Good.
It is frustrating that they say there is care for you and they miss things and there would be some jealousy but they prefer to remain where they are with a controlling loser like OM.
There has been a lot of influence on each of us to do what other people want us to do about our sitch and we just have to do what we decide makes us happy and talking is a good place to start.
You did good. At the end of the day communication is everything - It's all about how you do it and you sound as though you were fair and compassionate. It gives you a good foundation to build on.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks, I do not know whether she changed her view of things but she knows it is up to her and I am here for the time being if she wants to work on things.
How did the company do go last Friday. Did it go as you expected?
I was high on valium and then mixed in somewhere between 4 to 6 gin and tonics and a bottle and a half of rose!!!!! Apparently my H's PA was upset with me because she thought I blanked her - which I didn't, and because I told someone I was uncomfortable with her being my H's PA as she is still in daily contact with OW - which is true but I was led into that answer by a very forthright question.
So all in all my H is not too happy with me but the stupid man shouldn't have insisted I go in the first place.
Well, hopefully he will knoe better than to insist I go next year!!!!!
Thanks for asking.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Had a bad weekend after good talk in the week. This was over WAS biting S11 on arm and pulling his hair on Saturday because he was being nasty to siblings and violent to her???? She lost her temper and got angry. We had a covnersation before this happened about whether S11 should live with me at some point. She also said that maybe all of the children should live with me. I said that that may become a reality if she keeps saying it.
I can see the stress of her having them "24/7' as she pointed this out to me. I said that I would love to have them 24/7 and always wanted them 24/7 and that this was taken away from me. When we were married I did help her with the children after school during the week and also at weekends. So I am not there now and she needs a break. She should not have left me then! but again it is my fault right?
She justifies everything that she does even though it is blatantly wrong and blames me for what I did in the marriage or says she is only doing what I did.
Took S11 out for a few hours after this talk with WAW and found out about his bite. He was sad and quiet and I asked him what was wrong and he told me what had happened. I asked him how he felt about his mum doing this to him and he said unloved, unwanted and uncared for.
WAW had also asked S11 where he would be happier, with her or me. S11 did not know. He is very diplomatic and loves both of us.
I e-mailed MIL and FIL (they are divorced and live in two differnt countries) really to expose what is going on between Waw, OM and S11. This was a very bad move on my part. I thought she would care about her grandchildren but wanted to raise the issues she had with me and what I had done wrong in our marriage. It was quite a threatening e-mail I received back if I did go to the police and CPS.
She also said that I was controlling and she could not believe how disturbed I was for doing all this to my WAW.
She was not concerned about S11 at all. I went to see a lawyer on Monday for a free consult. Although I could do a lot to WAW and bf, I do not have enough money to fight this. The money or assets we have are not worth worrying about and he suggested a no fault divorce as it would be the cheapest way of doing it.
I phoned WAW Sunday and said my piece about bite to S11 and asked her how she could justify doing this to S11. It was abuse and I would not tolerate it again.
On Monday evening I spoke to S11 and he said that he had been over-exaggerating how he had been mis-treated by WAW and OM and those things over the last 4 months had not been so bad or had happened. Then he said that he did not want any of the children to go into foster home and did not want anyone to go to jail.
I asked how he knew all this and who had been talking to him and he said from Dr Phil shows! and that no one had been talking to him. BullSh*t, emotional blackmail from the WAW. On speaking to D13, she confirmed that WAW had talk with S11 about what could happen to everyone if this went to the authorities.
My wife was a great mother when we were married and she was against physical discipline for the children and did not like it if I spanked bottoms. She has now completely changed her ways since OM came along. But she says it is ok because I used to do it. However, I never did anything like she and OM are doing.
I told S11 that I was always there for him and was worried about him and would protect him. I know that he was emotionally blackmailed and was lying to me about over-reacting to the discipline. I told him that I trusted him and that if anything bad happened to call the police or me straight away.
This does screw me up. I want him to be happy and do not want him to hurt. He loves his mother and me. He is in the middle and does not want to lose either of us. I can not see him emotionally hurt anymore, confused, screwed up, it hurts me so much to see him like this. I am emotionally and physically tired of all this.
I want everything to calm down. I feel defeated in a way and want it to go away. Let my WAW and OM get on with it as long as children are safe.
This sh*t happens and then we had a good night together tonight at D13 Winter Choir Concert. I picked up D13 and took her to concert (she had to be there 40 mins early). WAW was coming later. She asked me to save her a seat and asked was that alright. I said yes.
I happened to see someone that I worked with and sat next to him and saved seat on the other side of me of WAW. It was good to find someone I knew to talk to and we were having some fun throughout the concert.
WAW said I looked good and she liked my new goatee beard. I did say that now that we are not together, I can change my appearance when I liked without worrying if my partner liked it or not. She said well I like it. She had said this before when I got my hair cut the way I used to. I did not do that for her, I just prefer it the way I used to.
She laughed at what I said and did (I was in a good mood tonight) and I think she felt a little left out her not being in the conversation with my work colleague sometimes.
She looked good as well and I told her.
We had some cookies and non alcoholic punch (wish I had some booze on me) after concert with D13 and WAW and I hugged on saying good bye. I was glad that OM was not there and she had to phone him to pick her up rather than him waiting for her (we do not like each other).
I do not see anyway back for us, we have hurt each other too much in the marriage and after the bomb but I miss her and miss not being her husband and desire to be able to hug her, hold her hand and kiss her.
This is a roller coaster for sure and I have to ride it on Friday again when we go to S11 orchestra concert.
BTW nothing was mentioned by either of us in respect of the weekend issues with S11 and MIL.
So, in summary, I do not where I am and do not like the way this separation/future divorce makes you very defensive and untrusting.
I am becoming impatient and do not see anything changing with her relationship with OM after 4 months. I only see more time in for them and a stronger relationship from that.
I think, personally, for your son to be asked who he wants to live with is cruel. He is going to feel torn. If you and your W agree it is better for him to be with you and you are in a position for you to do that then that's what should happen. Your W is playing with his head saying these things to him. And all that crap about foster homes etc........makes me mad too. I am so sorry.
NCB - I just wanted to say I actually bit one of my children. My third child used to go around biting my two older children when he was between 16 - 18 months old. He never bit anyone else - just them. I think they used to get him frustrated and he was too young to vocalise how he felt and so he bit them. After 2 months of this he one day bit my second child so hard he drew blood. I had read somewhere that if all else failed then you should try biting back a child that bites so they know what it's like. I had put off doing that as I didn't like the idea of it but when he drew blood I did it. He never bit again. I did feel bad though.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Well, Saffie, in the case of a persistent little biter who is too young to understand otherwise, then yes, I could see that. Even my S2 (who is now S3) had a problem with biting once in a while when S6 would aggravate him -- and I could see giving S2 a small nip to let him see what it is like (thankfully he seems to have gotten the message through a gold old occasional swat to the behind.)
But foo's son is 11 years old. What could possibly provoke a grown adult woman to bite her pre-teen child? There are certainly other ways to punish a boy that age and to communicate dissatisfaction with his behavior. To me that speaks of immaturity and fear on the adult's part -- fear from not being able to handle the situation properly on her own. Kids (and some dogs) tend to bite out of intimidation and fear.
