Get Me On A Smoother Ride....Need Advice #7

[Rob1231]

Hi Sue,

I remember (like it was yesterday!) the night when my suspicions were confirmed and I learned (yeah, through snooping, what can I say?) that the A was a PA. One of the very worst nights of my life. I wish I could help ease the pain that you're going through - I know how horrible this is. Even when the evidence kept piling up over time, it took me a while to build myself up to where I could face the truth. I fear that's where you are (or are heading) - but the good news is, I also hear a lot more strength in your posts lately. A lot more standing up for yourself, and a lot less feeling like the victim. That's great.

Some thoughts about your big conversation, based on my experiences. (Your mileage may vary.)

First, don't expect H to fall down on his knees and confess, or to ask forgiveness. I'll tell you what - my W has NEVER fessed up to the PA. On the one occasion when we had this conversation, the A was already crumbling, and all she admitted was that "it was headed that way". (I have never told her I knew it went farther than that - I applied the "Will this get me closer to my goal?" criteria and decided to let it slide. At this point, I am content to let it be water under the bridge for the rest of my life - but let's keep this thread about you and not about me.)

What I'm trying to say is - H has been lying to you. Big, stupid, obvious, unconvincing lies. Expect more of the same. This conversation is NOT about getting him to admit it. It is about making him know that you are not fooled. Do not argue with him or present itemized lists of evidence or let him try to rationalize it. The whole point is, face it buster - Sue is on to you. Period. Don't drag it out into a long ugly R talk - say your peace and be done.

Now, think about what you want to happen AFTER this conversation. Operative word: YOU. What are YOU going to do, or not do, differently? Because, this conversation will not give you more control over H's actions. He may even behave worse for a while - feeling like he is at last free to go have his nasty little affair without sneaking around - what a relief, now he doesn't have to pretend he's working out, etc.

So think about YOU. Once the cat is out of the bag, what are your actions going to be? What are your boundaries? How does this impact your DBing, and your GALing, and your PMA - because all of those things need to keep right on happening, even the day after you talk to him.

I'll tell you, one of the biggest feelings I had after this milestone in my sitch was RELIEF. No more ignoring the enormous elephant in the room. Lots of other icky stuff to come, but at least this weight of pretending and ignoring and questioning will be gone.

You may even find it very empowering to have this conversation, because in it you will take some control of the situation back, rather than letting H continue feeling like he is pulling all of the strings.

Oh, and your short, just focused on today, list is great.