I can understand where you are coming and how you are feeling -- I think I'm feeling a bit of the same way. I think one of my main things during the whole D sitch was, yes, I was PETRIFIED of being a single mom & H truly leaving.
I guess what we need to keep in mind is that we will be ok no matter what happens. Just like me right now having to live like a single mom w/ H deployed for a whole year, I'm making it and actually doing an ok job of it. No, it's not easy & it's not always fun, but bottom line is that we all just have to do what we gotta do. I think when we finally get it through our heads that we are ok on our own, that we are still those people we were before we got married, we feel a lot better about "what if's."
BUT, on the other hand, (and I'm still having issues/problems w/ this too) since we are among the lucky ones to have our H's back and are actually working on our M's, we need to remember that patience is still the key. We need to just try to relax and let things happen and, when an issue comes up, make sure we take the time to think about it before we just REACT. I'm so glad every time I want to say something to H or almost acuse him of something and don't and then realize I would have been way out of line had I done it. What would I have done then -- certainly not helped, but actually hindered, the process of rebuilding our M & the trust.
I think as the LBS, we are still the ones who are completely consumed by the whole D sitch and all that goes along w/ it. Our spouse, who has decided to come home, on the other hand, usually wants to just forget it all happened. Unfortunately, they will NEVER understand the feelings & devastation that we endured by standing by them through the whole sitch. That is something we have to work through on our own and come to terms with. It all takes a lot of time and, just when we think we are doing well, something happens and it all comes flooding back. The good news is though that we do have a 2nd chance to make our M's better than ever and better than they would have ever been had the sitch not happened at all. So, we need to take that 2nd chance, take the lessons we've learned, hold our heads up and move ahead.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thank you all. I want to respond to everybody's postings because they are all so insightful. But for now I am dealing with something else that I'd like to share...
Last night, H and I had to put our 11 1/2 year old Golden Retriever down. It was so hard and as I lie here at 2am, I am having a hard time.
She was sick for a few months. I knew it was coming. I know the right decision was made because she was getting worse with each day. Yet, I am surprised at how badly I am hurting right now. I thought I had prepared myself. But I am in pain.
It occurred to me that I feel things very strongly. All emotions... happiness, sadness, love, anger, anxiety, anticipation, hopelessness, hopefullness, etc... I realized that whatever emotion I am in, I feel it very strongly. So right now... tremendous sadness.
I miss my girl. Even though she was old and at the end of her life. Even though I have not paid any attention to her since my kids were born. Even though I had plenty of time to prepare. I miss her presence in my home.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your dog. I know how tremendously difficult that can be, especially when you are already feeling so vulnerable.
CL, Aud and Red, You all make good points. I do need help with managing my emotions. It's somethign that I work on every day, and belive it or not, I've made great progress. Before H left almost two years ago, my anxiety was reaching peak levels. Looking back, i can't beleived I lived with such anxiety. I had control issues and found myself getting angrier and angrier. I was not too fond of myself.
WHen H left, my world crumbled around me. It was surreal. But I thank God that it happened. Because when he left, I started seeing a C, for the first time in my life. I got my anxiety under control. I learned how to live alone and not be dependant on other people. I found out that I can be happy with ME and not only if there are other people (namely, H) around me. It was an amazing growth experience for me. I literally feel like a different person. I didn't only survive without H, I thrived. Was I upset and sad at losing him and angry about the A? Of course. Big time. But I was happy with ME.
So, now, I do still struggle with these emotinos sometimes. I still have anxiety issues, and I always will. I just work at managing it. And I am much more aware of my triggers. I am more aware of my emotions and I try to be less reactive with acting on my emotions. And most of the time, I succedd. But sometimes, I do not. And I need to cut myself some slack, which I also have a hard time doing.
Most of the time, I think that H and I have made it this far, we'll make it all the way. But those doubts creep in every so often. And I just worry about how that would impact the kids at this point. So, that is mostly where my fear comes in. And it's not so much about H leaving that scares me. I don't think he would actually leave on his own again. But if he falls back into the OW trap again, then I would make him leave. SO I worry more about his ability to stay away from that destructive force.
I am basing this on a year and half of him having a VERY hard time cutting off ties with her. Everytime he was sure he didn't want her and he wanted to come home, he would not be strong enough to follow through. However, he has been acting much moer consistently lately and to my knowledge is not longer in contact with OW. He doesn't hide his cell phone anymore. He doesn't act sneaky anymore. We are getting along better and communicating better.
But I still worry and I still get suspicious. I need to work on this and I need to show him that I have faith in him.
I need to practice patience, patience, patience.
Wow... rambling again. Yikes, I don't get me going.
RJ and IA, thank you for your support. It has been very hard. Friday was such a horrible day. Yesterday was sad and hard. But I am working through my grief and sadness. I am allowing myself to feel. H hasn't been as supportive as I would have liked, but that's him. He deals much differently. He doesn't understand why I'm still so upset. We knew thsi was coming for a long time, yet it has hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was in hysterics the other night, he coudln't understand it. He is sad, too, but not like me.
I just explained to him that this is how I am dealing with this and I would appreciate it he could try to understand how I'm feeling rather than telling me I should't be feeling it. He said he understands and he is trying... but frankly I think he is uncomfortable when I get so upset. I said to him last night that I am having a harder time with this than I thought I would. He said he understood and that's okay. I am trying to recognize that he and I deal with things differently.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
I just saw somethign on the Today Show that was interesting that I wanted to share...
It was about using some of the skill from work in our personal relationships. The gist was this (at least how I remember it):
- Fight with your spouse like you would a client - try to see his/her point of view. Don't worry so much about being right. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.
- Make your spouse a priority - often the spouse will feel like they are last on the list, because we know they can wait. While we tend to make sure our work priorities don't get forgotten. IF you don't act upon someting your spouse asks of you, where you would in the office, you are telling him/her that they are less important.
- Don't forget your manners - basically, you would behave a certain way in the office, but at home we tend to get comfortable and let it all hang out. So, try to remember not to forget our manners.
- Set mutual goals - So, you and your spouse are on the same team and working towards a mutual goal, that will strengthen the R.
This is all I can remember now.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
I'm sorry about your dog! I lost a cat earlier this year and I just understand now how it feels to loose a member of the family)))))))))))))) hugs)))))))))))
I love the skill tips on an M, the first one struck a cord on me, it reminds me of the line in "not just friends" that says "when your spouse looses and you 'win' it is not a win-loose sitch, it is a loose-loose situation"
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Lis and Cat, Thanks for your kind words. I miss my Bogey very much. I have had a hard week. H is dealing with it much differently. But we are two different people and we deal wtih things differently.
Things with H still giong well. But sometimes I find myself thinking about all that happened. I think about OW. I get angry. I think about what others must think of me that I am still with my H. I know most of the people in my life think I'm crazy for still being here. I mean, things got really bad with H for a while there.
The other night, I went out to dinner with three of my girlfriends. Before our mess started, the four of us with our Hs woudl go out all the time. I called us "the click". The four couples of us got along really well. The men would go uot for guys nights. The girls would go out for girls nights. And as coupoles, we all went out.
But when this all happened, the all pretty much thought H was the biggest jerk on the planet. Frankly, he was. Anyway, they all still go out and we don't get the invite (as couples). I go out with the girls still. I can't say I blame them, but it makes me feel badly that even now, with H moved back home, we don't get the "couple" invite.
I guess that will take time, as with anything else.
I hope and pray that H stays on the road to recovery. I hope and pray that H has learned from this. I hope and pray that we can continue to build a strong M.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Just checking in. Things still moving along nicely with H. Although, once in a while, I get this urge to check his cell phone. Then I stop myself and think of you all here. I hear your words in my head... no snooping... it will do no good... H is a big boy and he needs to make his own decisions and I need to focus on our M.
We've been doing better at resolving arguements.
On another note, I was talking to a friend of mine who had an A years ago. She and her H decided to stay together and worked through it. They are still M today and have a good M. Anyway, she told me that she had just read somewhere that statistically, the Ms that go through something and work throug them are much stronger in the end. That's our goal, isn't it? That's why we're all here.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
