I feel like I am living life through torture. It is really no wonder that I tried so many things. There are so many memories surrounding me of what was...I deeply miss being married, having that person in my life, being a whole family. Acknowledging that I can do nothing to change the situation makes me feel hopeless. Maybe it was all fantasy, but I don't think so.
I don't want to "get used to" this new life. I don't want to be separate from the father of my children. As Sally would say, I want to tantrum in my highchair.
How can I still be so sad, destroyed, more than a year after the bomb?
I have these two knowledges, now. My head knows what happened, how it happened, why it happened, the steps I need to take.
But my heart clings to the happiness that I have known. It wasn't just comfort--I was happy, my children were happy. Now, there is this undercurrent that everything is just wrong. Yes, we are happy at times, make and do things that bring us happiness. I even know to "fake it till you make it." But the undercurrent is always there, ready to sweep us up with little to no warning--it never goes away. There are brief times of respite, but when we are quiet, when we are alone with ourselves, the wrong bubbles up to the surface again. It taints everything. Will that ever go away? In the book, it talks about the empty feeling that is left inside you when you finally let go--physically feeling like the wind can blow right through the space where my heart used to be. She says to fill that gap with GAL activities, focus on yourself and self-love. The hole inside me must be enormous--it doesn't feel like it has closed much, if at all.
I am just so tired. I don't know how long I can do this, waiting for some shift in my heart. It is just awful--I can't put it into words.
OT, its not just being separate from him, it is being separate from my whole prior life, in which I was happy and content. Everything is different; yes, I know that I can still make it good, but I mourn what I had. All of the traditions, the sense of well-being, security, love, caring, companionship......he must have been exceptionally good at pretending--I can't even tell when things soured for him. My system is still in shock. I am struggling to let go of that....would be so much easier if I knew that I was letting go of something that wasn't good, something unhealthy or toxic. It may have been that way for him, but even in looking back, it doesn't seem to have been that way for me or the kids.
I have to stop looking back, though. It is not my present reality. But I don't want to face this reality--it hurts so much in the contrast.
