I feel like I am living life through torture. It is really no wonder that I tried so many things. There are so many memories surrounding me of what was...I deeply miss being married, having that person in my life, being a whole family. Acknowledging that I can do nothing to change the situation makes me feel hopeless. Maybe it was all fantasy, but I don't think so.
I don't want to "get used to" this new life. I don't want to be separate from the father of my children. As Sally would say, I want to tantrum in my highchair.
How can I still be so sad, destroyed, more than a year after the bomb?
I have these two knowledges, now. My head knows what happened, how it happened, why it happened, the steps I need to take.
But my heart clings to the happiness that I have known. It wasn't just comfort--I was happy, my children were happy. Now, there is this undercurrent that everything is just wrong. Yes, we are happy at times, make and do things that bring us happiness. I even know to "fake it till you make it." But the undercurrent is always there, ready to sweep us up with little to no warning--it never goes away. There are brief times of respite, but when we are quiet, when we are alone with ourselves, the wrong bubbles up to the surface again. It taints everything. Will that ever go away? In the book, it talks about the empty feeling that is left inside you when you finally let go--physically feeling like the wind can blow right through the space where my heart used to be. She says to fill that gap with GAL activities, focus on yourself and self-love. The hole inside me must be enormous--it doesn't feel like it has closed much, if at all.
I am just so tired. I don't know how long I can do this, waiting for some shift in my heart. It is just awful--I can't put it into words.
OT, its not just being separate from him, it is being separate from my whole prior life, in which I was happy and content. Everything is different; yes, I know that I can still make it good, but I mourn what I had. All of the traditions, the sense of well-being, security, love, caring, companionship......he must have been exceptionally good at pretending--I can't even tell when things soured for him. My system is still in shock. I am struggling to let go of that....would be so much easier if I knew that I was letting go of something that wasn't good, something unhealthy or toxic. It may have been that way for him, but even in looking back, it doesn't seem to have been that way for me or the kids.
I have to stop looking back, though. It is not my present reality. But I don't want to face this reality--it hurts so much in the contrast.
I'm so sorry. I can really relate - especially the mourning. It's a shock, for sure. Don't beat yourself up for taking "too long" - I think you're doing great, even if you don't feel it.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Some times I am feeling like I am doing great, other times, not so much. I am much better right now--AlAnon meeting seemed to help snap me out of the funk. It was a long, hard weekend following the Thurs panic attack, Fri L meeting, not having the kids all weekend, strides in self-awareness (Advent breakfast and church Sun, finishing the book Women who love too much), then S breaking down last night. I got overwhelmed with it all.
There are times when I look and realize how much I have learned and grown, how far I have come.....and then feel, what for? All this, and for what? Awareness, but still a broken heart, broken family, hurting kids, financial struggle, H who doesn't want me anymore..... it is the hopelessness / acceptance. I don't know how to have one without the other, yet. Throwing my hands up and thinking, I give up!
I have NEVER been through anything that has been this hard. I can scarcely believe that a whole year has flown past. I feel like I'm in some strange time-warp...the days have crawled by, the year has flown so quickly I can hardly recall it. All so strange.
Tonight's topic was again gratitude. I said that I was happy that H told me ILYBINILWY and had an affair. I was living life on autopilot, not really being very reflective about myself or my choices, what direction I wanted to head in. Just living day to day. I have learned so much about myself--wish there had been an easier way, but it is the way it is. I am grateful for the things that I have learned, and continue to learn, about myself, for being able to take this journey of me.
And I am thankful for all of the warm, supportive friends and acquitances who I have met along the way--people I may never have known existed before. So many strong, caring people who have been placed in my path along the way--too often and at just the moments that I need them the most, to be considered merely coincidence any longer. This struggle has awakened another aspect of my persona--the spiritual side, and what that will ultimately mean to me in the long run.
So, calm and contemplative tonight. I'm going to quit while I'm ahead and get some sleep.
Wishing you all the love we all deserve--start with really loving your self--we are all worth it, D
I guess its winter over there and its often a deppressing time of year. Its easy to get overwhelmed. I honestly am not sure if getting too involved in analysing what went wrong in the past is at all healthy. I would love to see you set some goals for your future ( obviously covering what you can control ). Take a week off from reading self help books , do not watch the news on TV or read the newspaper ( generaly depressing ) . Do lightweight stuff , play games with the kids , watch entertaining trashy Tv , get out for walks if you can , visit friends and keep your R / M off the agenda, dont go to any meetings . My 2 cents worth
It is just the start of winter. The leaves have finished their show and now are making a mess of the yard, but I can see the city lights from my picture window again--its a very pretty vista at night.
TV? News? Haven't had time for either lately (swore off tv for the rest of the month, anyway, with all of the jewelry commercials). That was the first self-help book that I've read in about 2 months (I think).
Goals for the future, though...I will look at that, hard.
Today is IC for me, C for S (H is taking him). I am meeting up with a friend for dinner.
Tomorrow is my work Holiday party :0)
Fri I am taking a personal day and going with my son on a field trip to the Museum of Natural History.
I have the weekend with the kids, S is having a sleepover.
Saturday we get the tree and decorate--we will be setting up the Lionel train and village this year under the tree :0)
Sunday is church and breakfast out. The pastor told us that they need people in the choir...if there is no practice during the week, I may try that. I miss singing.
D had a great idea, to make the teacher gifts this year. She has already started, making suncatchers. We might go to the craft store and get some other kits to do for family and friends (costs down).
I NEED to get my hair and nails done! Even if I do my nails myself--have to try to squeeze some of that time in there somewhere.
When do I have time to think about my M? That's the thing....it is always there, just under the surface. Everything I do reminds me. I put up more stop signs a day...
It is not happiness that I lack--I am actually happy with the majority of my life. I laugh often. I count my blessings and keep a gratitude journal. But I am missing peace, contentment...I think it is the serenity that they talk about in AlAnon. For now, I'll keep walking around with that hole blown through me--I think its all about time, now.
-------------- Original message ----------------------
> hey, sorry i have been so distant i just think that right now it is for > the better. i hope everything is okay. i thought i would let you know > what was going on. i know S has his class trip friday and won't be > home till after 7, i thought you might want to spend that afternoon with > D for some quality one on one time, i know she would enjoy it. i > know she enjoyed the one on one we had last friday night. i am going to > go to SILs this weekend to finish her cabinets, just not sure when > this weekend. next weekend when i have the kids i want to come over > saturday morning and work with them in the yard, i know this makes you > uncomfortable so if you want to make plans to go visit someone, let me > know. i'm not making definate plans, i am asking you if these plans are > okay. please let me know. i payed Ss dues for scouts. if i could > ask, i took a new scout shirt from the scout closet, because S says he is > not wearing it because the badges were not sewn on, if you can give me > both shirts, old and new, i will take care of it. don't take that as a > dig, i know you have alot to deal with. also, i could use my birht > certificate and a copy of our marriage certificate so i can complete my > vesting application for the union. [This is for the international union--where the biggest pension is--that I had no record of--luckily he brought it up, or the L and I would have missed it!] like i said, i do hope that you are > okay. let me know about next weekend please i would like to get that > taken care of. thanks p.s. i am not sure what you had planned for gifts > for the kids. i am going to get them both season ski rentals and i > thought for S if you want to get him the Go Phone he was asking > for and i will take care of the minutes. as for another for D, i'm > not sure what else. i am also buying for (his work friend)'s three, nephew, and > (Hs best friend) two. if i missed anyone please let me know. thanks
My response:
I am going on the class trip with S, so you can have D for the evening. If you won't be around, I will make sure to have her babysat. Please let me know asap.
The badges aren't sewn on because he lost the rank badge--I asked you a few months ago to get a replacement, and you said we could wait until he earns the next rank. He won't wear the old one as is. I can't buy rank badges at the local store.
I got a phone call a few weeks ago from Sprint about adding another phone to your account. I just gave them your number and said you no longer lived here. I thought that was for S for Christmas. I will take care of my gifts to the kids, but it is good to know what you are getting; thanks.
I'll respond to the rest of your email later. I appreciate the heads-up on things.
Had a good session with IC today. I think I found a way to drop the rock......
I spoke with her about meeting with H to go over co-dependency from a clinical, professional stand-point. He had already agreed to meet with her. She asked me to draft 4 points that I would like her to cover with him, the things that I feel are the most important, and she would look at it and decide then.
She is concerned that 1) he may turn around and distort what she says in a rant against me, potentially causing damage in my therapy, and 2) She or I may view her as failing if things stay the same or get worse.
So, we'll see what next week brings. This whole idea has me seeing the end of the tunnel. I had the HARDEST time letting go, or even Letting Go and Letting God....
but I CAN let go and put it in the hands of a "Higher Power"--a professional. Maybe he can hear this. Maybe he won't. Maybe it will sink in over the coming month, months, years, whatever. I suddenly feel lighter--I think I was feeling responsible for it all, still thinking that I had to be the one to fix it.
I don't. It's up to him. I don't even want to know how the meeting between them goes. I just want to know that he got the information that I have been so desperate for him to have for almost a year, to consider everything that has gone on. I'll know that he got the info, and what he does with it is his own choice.
I know that this probably seems dumb; H has shown that he isn't interested in looking into reasons or other possibilities....but if this can make me feel free of it, I don't think it can hurt anything more than where things are right now.
"so does that mean that i won't know what you are getting them? just trying to communicate. i will pick D up from the bus.theropy for S and i is next tuesday at 6: 30. i paid her fifty. she said that you were dealing with the insurance, she would like an update on your progress. as for the scout shirt give me both of them and i will handle it."
I am guessing that he is pissed that he tried to "play nice" and sound concerned and I was business-like with him back. Also pissed that I know about him getting a phone for CW.
I'm not rising to the bait. I'm not even answering him until tomorrow afternoon, the earliest. I don't see any rush. I almost started my first response with "No, the distance doesn't seem all that different than you've been for quite a while"--but I didn't (pat myself on the back).
I'd love to be able to have the right badges and give him the shirts already done, but I don't think I can buy them without a scoutmaster's signature.
I really don't want him in the yard; IC doesn't think he should be there, either. I'm debating about what I might respond to with that. His rigid-role is that of the hero, the rescuer...do I let him do it, or work overtime over the next 2 weeks to clean it up myself, so there isn't too much left to do? Not sure...don't have to decide tonight.
Silly image popped into my head today after the IC session...does anyone remember the movie, Back to the Future? At the end of the movie, Michael J. Fox's character is disappearing, slumping down and loosing all his strength. Then, everything suddenly goes right and he springs back up. I feel a bit like that tonight. Stronger than I have been in a long while. Can't wait to put that rock down, once and for all. I'm tossing it to IC, who will throw it at H (hope she nails him square in the head!). It will be up to him as to whether he catches it--or not. It was his damn rock all along, anyway.
donna, honestly I do share what I get the kids for christmas...just offer him that, its nice to know so you don't get the same things or turn it into a war or something. don't know what's the norm at all, its just what works for us.
keep up the business-like, that is good.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
