Calling All Cats :)

[cat03]

oh , it died, after we made our "peace" we we'd only b friends, we had one more chat and then he never logged on again, I'm guessing he decided to stop because we still had some sort of connection, and that he really wanted to stay true to his girl. I guess it is for the best, I do miss chatting w/him, but yes, even our "friendly" chat was like a little addiction for me, so, maybe it is a good thing.

Well, we had a mini talk, too long to describe what's happened, but in a nutshell, H has been trying "not to think" about out sitch, how's that for a kick in the teeth? because, he says, he still doesnt' have any of those feelings and that the suggestions teh C gave him are more like forcing him he said, to do somethign he doesn't feel or is ready for. That he still was angry at the way the C "attacked" him (not true) and pushed and answer out of him *sigh*...........
Anyways, he says he isnt' confortable with C any more, so we'll b seeing a new one, i'm waiting for a phone call from the center he goes to for IC, there is an Imago C there, so we'll go there, hopefully next week.
His wonderful C is being of no help, he admits that it was mostly silence what went on at his last appt, that she didnt' think he was depressed and that he needs sleep, to go sleep early was her solution... really Sherlock? how about addressing WHY he can't sleep, his anxiety and bad self image. If he isnt' depressed, then the apathy I was chalking up to depression seems even worse now that supposedly isnt' depression itself. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Anyways, he'll b seeing another T soon for IC, so I pray pray she/he is a good one.

Our anniversary is coming, he actually brought it up, saying how we only had 2 wks to plan it. I told him to come up w/something (which he hates to do), and (not to be a smart @ss) asked him he didnt' have to do anythign if he didn't want to. He sighed, got sarcastic and said "oh great", askign me if I didn't want to do anything then.
The point is, I dont' want him to humor me and do it just because he "has" to as he put it, I asked him today if it 'd b pointless if it didnt' mean anything to him because of the ways things are between us, he told me I was being sarcastic.

Bleah, we are planning something, not the 10th anniversary I had planned originally months ago, but something small, dont' know if I'll enjoy it for real or not.

There, my whine for the week, peace to all.

[Aud31]

Cat--he brought up the anniversary...he wouldn't have if he didn't want to. I understand your desire to let him know he doesn't have to do things to "make you happy"...but if he wants to make the effort, let him do it.

My H said much the same thing after our first C appt, right before the big bomb--that he felt "pushed" for an answer. I think they feel pushed, because they KNOW they're not right, and they're hyper-sensitive to anyone even hinting at it. Makes it harder to self-justify.

I wish it wasn't so hard for some of us to realize that feelings, while important, aren't the most productive path to follow if we want to get from point A to point B.

((hugs)) I hope your weekend looks up.

[runningoutoftime]

Hummmm.... if planning something seems like a chore, why not just come up with something simple and fun? Why not just try to make it a fun day where you can spend it together. Something stress-free, where you can both just be good friends (no "relationship talk" although discussing general memories from the past might be nice...). Even a simple dinner out and a couple of chocolate martinis...

[cat03]

chocolate martinis, I got to try one!

I guess I'm (like a fool) trying to extract a "genuine" loving action out of him, I guess he is trying even thinking about it.

He hates ballet so it suprised me he suggested we go see the Nutcraker, which I guess would've been sort of romantic...but then... I saw an online add for Spamalot, the monthy python musical, and i chose that! lol, go figure, Im just that crazy!
I honestly believe he rather go there and that he will actually enjoy the performance, not your "date" play but we both liked the movie, he he, so it should b fun.

[peaceful_spirit]

Cat,
Finding the right C is critical. And it sometimes takes a few to get there.

My H was seeing a C for a year. Basically his C just let him talk, but didn't give him any tools for coping or working through his depression. In fact, he didn't belive H had any depression going on at all. H stopped finding value in him and jsut stopped going. But things with us got bad again and I almost made H move out. I finally found a C who is a cognitive behavioral therapist. She is more about understanding behaviors, what drives them, getting to the root of them and changing them. Much more proactive. H likes her and is finding more value in her than in the old C.

My point is, if your H doesn't like his C, it won't work. He heeds to feel a connection with his C. And C's work differently. Some are jsut the traditional talk therapy. Others work on develping coping skills and changing behavior. You and your H need to find the right kind of therapy for him. And most imporantly, your H needs to like him/her.

Hang in there. He doesn't feel those feeligns right now becuase he has too much confusion and conflict goign on within himself. And until he works through that within HIM, he will not be able to form a true connection with you. That is why As rarely work. When one looks to a R to fill some sort of emotional void that is going on within him or her, it will only be a short term fix. So, it is only a matter of time before they realise the A wasn't the answer to their prayers. But coming back home and jumping back into an R with us wont' fix it either. They need to fix themselves first.

You are doing great. This stuff is HAAARRRDDD!

[cat03]

thanks ps I forgetting that my H has no point of reference to connect to me, argh!!! I hate to be the "love me love me NOW! " wife, dont' want to be there hanging over him, it wont' work that way,thanks for the reminder honey guess I need a reminder every now and then

[peaceful_spirit]

Cat,
At one point during my whole mess, I made a list of all the things that H and I used to do together, back in the old days. Then next to it, I made a list of the things that we had been doing together over the past few years. The difference was huge.

So, then I focused on the first list. It was a list of like 10 things that we used to do, such as go to the movies, work on the house, watch URI basketball together, take walks, watch TV shows. So then I worked on regaining those common interests again. So, I started taking a new interest in URI baskeball, that I had stopped following when the kids were born. I noticed the TV shows H was into and I started to get into them. And now, I feel like we have those things back again. We have our things that we like to do together, that we had lost for a long time.

THis took time, but it was a way to get some of that connection back. By having common interests, it gives you something to talk about. It also gives you somethign to look forward to doing together.

Not sure if this helps at all. I'm just wondering if that may help with connecting.

[runningoutoftime]

Cat,

I saw that Monty Python thing. That should be a lot of fun!!!! Much more fun than a ballet. Heck even I have a hard time sitting through a ballet and I studied it for 15 years (and both my mother and grandmother briefly danced professionally!).

In marriage we may not have perfect relationships, or perfect lives, but a relatively comfortable routine (even with "down" time) is not without value. Hope that makes sense...

[ediemarie]

Hey Cat - I think the Monty Python thing is a good idea - it should keep you guys laughing. That at the very least should provide some sort of stress relief. The more good memories you guys can fuse into your days the easier the road will get - focus on building good memories...

hugs

[cat03]

thanks gals, looking forward to our outing, with my luck (well,heck, it is December!) it will b bitterly cold like last yr.
I'm dissapointed that the only Imago therapist I found doesnt' take insurance, at least we do have a MC session this sat. witha new C, I pray this is a good C, keep us in your thoughts.
I feel free and happier and more detached, still hurts though that at the end of the day day he gives me a chirp "good night (pet name)" and goes to sleep downstairs. Well, let's see if his new IC and our new MC help him.