ok, wife had ema last year, she ended it about 7 months ago. db'ing payed off for us big time. divorce thrown out, ema ended, multiple therapy sessions, we're trying to do the right thing.
OM keeps popping back up every once in a while. this time for passwords to a cell phone he bought her during the ema. he's stuck with the phone now and needs the password to swap it arround.{was the explanation I got?}
it's all I think about. it drives me nuts. she says I just can't let it go but how can I just "let it go" when it won't go away??
I found his phone # on her cell bill {only once}. she says no biggy, it was just for her old voice mail passwords. nothing else. I accepted her explanation {at the moment} but now My mind is back to worst case scenario. why not come to me and say I called whats his name called for xyz so don't go nuts when you see the cell bill. thats bieng sneeky in my eyes. contact with om behind my back.
I need a little advice how how to "let it go" when it keeps popping back up. like I said, the divorce is off. we're back together. things are looking up. but this is a HUGE weight pulling us {me} down.
In my opinion, any contact is a threat. You should talk about it with your wife in marriage counseling. She needs to be "transparent" with you so that there are no suspicions. Just my two cents..
I think you can share with her that the contact is making you feel uncomfortable. You or your W cannot control OM contacting, but will your W agree to letting you know anytime OM contacts her? That is something that she can do.
we talked about it last night. I told her how much this really hurts me, given whats happened in the past. she is adimate that she didn't think it would effect me this much thats why she didn't try to hide it. if she really wanted to, she could hide it and I would have never known. I was honest about how I won't accept any contact "behind my back". E-mails- cell phones- nothing.. she says it won't happen again {which is kinda what I've been waiting to hear anyways} time wil tell, I just HATE the feeling of walking on eggshells waiting for it to happen again.
I know this sounds difficult, but you can't walk on eggshells or wait and "expect" it to happen. Yes, it CAN happen again. That's reality. You have to know that being with you is the best thing possible (and you have to be the kind of guy that she'd be an idiot to lose!), and if she's dumb enough to let go then that's HER LOSS. Not yours.... I think calmly telling her that you'd like openness about this. And if she ever needs to contact OM for any reason you'd like to know so that there are no secrets... and also explain you won't be angry or upset (and don't go there!!!!).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Maybe a re-iteration of how the ema made you feel and how you won't tolerate it again?
Kind of a thin line.. could be nothing, could be something.
No offense, but as for OM.. dude.. the cell company can EASILY unlock a phone. New SIM card.. reprogram.. whatever. As excuses go, that's a bad one.
Have you guys discussed the trust issues that go with EMA's in counseling? She needs to be aware what the triggers could be which would include ANY contact to or from OM. Maybe bring that up in counseling.. you know "I'm not upset, just bothered by the situation.. brings back painful thoughts.. etc etc"
Hopefully the counselor will help you guys through it.
we're on a therapy break for now. whell a "couples" therapy break. she has taken over our original couples councelor as her own which is fine with me I felt we were not getting anywhear with that therapist. I've got my own guy. she has her own girl. and we're looking for a solution orientated ccouples ouncelor at the moment.
This all boils down to my issue with forgiveness. I thought I had forgiven Her but I guess I really haven't. My heart is full of all controlling resentment, anger and hurt. this is something we're trying at the moment to get help with. this is the reason I snoop. the reason I am on eggshels waiting for the next contact with OM.. since the talk last night I feel somewhat relieved. She rienforced her commitment to me and our relationship. which is something I've been doubting. or fearfull of. I feel like we can talk now without the next thing that comes out of my mouth is going to be the relationship ender. She says I'm blind and deaf. Blind to not see that she is here with me. when we were days away from signing the divorce papers. and deaf to not hear her her commitment..
agian it's the all controlling resentment. This ain't as easy as I thoght it would be.
Well buddy, that whole forgiveness thing is part of piecing and it takes time. I also think some people are able to work through it much easier than others. Have you read "Not 'Just Friends'" or some other books on affairs? They can help.
I was in a similar boat. And the fact they choose to stay in a marriage that they could have easily left... and were just about to! Does say something.
On the other hand I completely understand your feelings. I've gone through the same thing. And honestly, you only hurt yourself dwelling on that kind of stuff. If she left tomorrow you'd be hurt, but ultimately you'd be fine. Happiness should never be dependent on another person. You have to find it inside.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
