Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[Heimlich]

Sir/Ann,

My point was simply this: I see Ann taking a lot of blame onto herself, not all of it deserved. Yes, they are both hurt and scared. Ann, to me, is tremendously brave for doing what she can to make her R better with her H. I do think her H wants to love her. She wants to be in love with her H. Many of us would give an arm to be in that situation.

However, unless I missed something, she's tried to be forthcoming and honest with her feelings. He's retreated. He's afraid. I believe that one person can make a difference in a R, otherwise, I wouldn't be here. I see Ann taking all of the blame onto herself and that's not fair to her and it's not fair to her H. When I say he's a little boy, yeah, I mean that. He's probably a nice guy at heart. However, his W is telling him things that he doesn't want to hear and that are hurtful. She's telling him that I want to love you. Yet, instead of knuckling down and saying, "I've made mistakes too", it looks from this vantage point that he's waiting for her to do all of the work -- and give him a guarantee. Is that fair to Ann? Unless that changes, do you see either of them having a good R? Can he change? Absolutely. Can she help enable that change by posting here, acting more loving (again, I really think the Mort Fertel book would be tremendously helpful to you. If you can't find it, I'll copy mine and send it to you, Ann)? Yes, absolutely.

I'm sorry. I see, basically, a WAW in waiting posting here, wanting to be with her H, wanting to love him, blaming herself for the situation. She's told her H she's uncomfortable being sexual with him. Yet, rather than giving her the space she's asked him for, she's being constantly subjected to his sexual advances. Maybe this hits too close to home for me in that I see bits of my W in Ann and bits of me in her H. Not a perfect match by any means, but some similarity, and maybe that's affecting how I'm viewing this. However, she's telling him what she needs to begin to have feelings for her again and he's not hearing her. I'd almost like to just spend a minute on the phone with him, and say, dude, back off, help around the house, give her the space she needs to find you and love you again. It's right there for you if you can just be patient.

Anyway, I'll shut up now.

BD