LWB, I don't believe that in the past few months you didn't tell him, in one way or another, that you wanted him or the M. You have said that. He's just remembering what he wants to remember. You've stood strong for quite awhile, and that's what he is seeing. Just the fact that you said you would wait for him to decide proves that. Good Lord, you put up with all the contact with OW and he expects you to be all lovey-duvey?
I think if he saw you as the root of his problems he would have been gone a long while ago. He thought it was going to be his decision, that you were waiting for him to decide. Now that you've forced the issue, I'm sure he's shocked.
He just won't let go of the problems. The past is the past. He's holding onto to them for justification for the A. If he let's them go, then where is he? I think Mark is right ... he is one insecure man right now.
I think lwb's thread is a magic thread. it is so full of such good, rockin' common sense and strength, the message board gods refuse to let it lock
Or...have you considered....that the moderators know that LWB is walking a fine line between losing her mind and keeping it together and they don't want to rock *that* boat by locking her thread......
Joie,
He won't let go of me being the root of his problems. I don't think he ever will. Have you read 'nocode's possible final letter to his W? A lot of what he is feeling (ok, almost 99%), I am feeling but he is articulate enough to beautifully put it in writing. Head over there........
He doesn't see me as fantastic. He sees me as the source of his problems, the reason we might be divorcing, the reason he'll see his kids less. I have no doubt about this. Its always been 100% my fault and will continue to be this way.
Lwb, I am merely reflecting on the responses you said he gave. Let's look at them:
Quote:
You are done with me? What happened to you waiting until I was ready to make a choice?
I hurt you. I will be hurting the girls.
I don't deserve to be happy, don't say that to me. Its not true. I should be feeling all of this hurt.
I miss us. I miss our marriage, how it was before it got bad. I miss being your friend.
Yes, your H may be angry and upset with you, but he still recognizes he's facing the loss of a good and wonderful wife and mother of his children -- perhaps that explains his anger? You're rocking his world in a whole new way, kicking him out of his comfort zone for having been so stupid. Consciously or subconsciously, he sees that. He's addicted to cake-eating, but he doesn't want to end up with nothing or no one. And he knows, deep down, that he has it so much better with you.
I would bet he's feeling that he can longer measure up to someone like you -- someone who is so faithful, moral, with a good, warm heart and great strength of character. The jig is up and he's about to lose it all.
someone who is so faithful, moral, with a good, warm heart and great strength of character. The jig is up and he's about to lose it all.
nocode, funny thing. Whenever H and I talked about how I haven't cheated and wouldn't want to, I walk that fine line of cutting H down by saying "I would never do that, I would never want to feel what you are feeling...", but I know he thinks that.
Thanks nocode, you may be right about H still having some feelings for me. But those feelings aren't allowed in his book right now, they make him being "done" with me easier....
Oh I agree also I think she has shown him that she wants to make it work. But L just think he is stuck in the now possibly about the woman he see's before him. I know my husband yelled the most horrible things about me. I thought to myself WTF I can't be that bad of a person. It was like he hated me. But you know when he finally finally talked to me. I mean really opened up let me tell you it was him that felt like crap about himself. I mean bad. He wanted me to hurt I think because he was hurting. Me I went on. I started school to complete something I wanted to do. To better myself. I volunteer at the school. I got a job and made friend's. I lost weight and worked out. I laughed with the kid's and became a happier person somehow through this hurt. I think what he saw was a woman who was moving on, and didn't seem to desire him as a friend a lover or anything anymore.
H *is* miserable, he will readily admit to that. I swear this young looking handsome man has aged years in months. I see the stress in his face...
I hope what he says to me isn't exactly how he feels. The problem is, until he owns up to these things, I cannot forgive him. I can 'let it go' in my heart, but it won't be right with him. Does that make sense?
I see the stress in his face...