I just finished Women Who Love Too Much. As I read the end, it spoke about how to be in recovery, you have to have no fear in your relationship, complete trust and just be yourself.
That is where I was. How can I ever be in a R, now, either with H or anyone else, and not be afraid?
He was the one who was pretending, and did so for a very long time. I am just really confused, and looking forward to talking to IC about it all. Was I showing my true self to him? Is my true self really not enough for him, that I was lacking? It makes me think that so much was my fault again, my flaws, that I was the reason it couldn't work...I hope that I am just twisting this all around, but I wonder if H is actually the one going through recovery and sees that we had a worse M than I ever saw, and I am the one who is too blind/stubborn to see it.
I freakin' feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. I don't know which way is up anymore.
And I can hear the child within me, begging and pleading, promising to be good if only the love is not taken away...anything but that, please.
Two steps forward, one step back...
I am supposed to agree with everything that he says about me and the marriage, while cultivating my own self-love. I think I have read too much--my brain hurts, everything hurts. I just want to stop hurting. I miss what I had so very much. I miss my intact family. I miss my husband, who has been gone so long, now.
I was going to try to get to an AlAnon meeting tonight, but S didn't get home from scouts until late. I will keep my regular meeting tomorrow, though.
