Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[ann25]

so - interesting weekend. I'm just writing - this is long, but I like to write stuff down to get it out

friday night. little issue with the house not being clean enough. Can i just say, we have 2 toddlers and they make messes. So not my fault (or theirs, they are just babies) all i can do it clean up the aftermath... hehe.

late friday night - fight about my lack of interest. I was honest, but gentle. I know that I still hurt him, but it could have gone way worse. He can't understand why I don't want to have sex with him. How long is he supposed to just suffer through while I deal with my feelings. Sex is a big part of marriage, how are we supposed to go back to normal if we aren't intimate... I tried to explain as best I could, but it's hard when I'm not even sure.

Saturday morning he decided that he wanted to go out and got ready to go. I asked him where he was going because he was putting his shoes on and grabbing his stuff. He said he was going to the batting cages. kissed everyone good bye (kinda) and left. We kinda have a unspoken rule in our house that if you are thinking about going out you let the other person know that you wanted to go out. We have one car and 2 kids that need care, can't just decide to go out whenever you feel like it. When he got back and couldn't understand why I was upset with him, i explained that if I had done the same thing, it would have been totally unacceptable (to assume he'd just watch the girls with no question) and its really inconsiderate to just leave like that. He apoligized later. I guess it sunk in.

that night, i was trying to think of him and gave him a foot rub while we sat and watched some TV together. he thanked me and I sat with him. as we are sitting there, he started touching me sexually. I asked him to stop. I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable. this caused him to mentally distance himself from me for the rest of the night. Then, when we are laying in bed. he starts in again like the night before. I thought he had understood what i was telling him, but obviously not. i tried to explain again.

His big hangup is that I used to talk to OM about having sex, but I don't want to have sex with H, so I don't even want to be there, I'm just pretending. I don't know that to say about that. I just tell him that those were only words and he made me feel good when I felt like everything around me was falling apart. Now he says i'm justifying my EA. I got mad. probably not my place to get mad, but i did. I told him that I have never once justified or tried to excuse what i did. That I know how wrong it was and that I know that there is no amount of apology to make up for it. I've answered his questions about it as best as possible, but any reason i give for doing it always starts with, i know there is no excuse for what I did, but here is what i was feeling/thinking... we went to bed not talking.

Sunday he wouldn't kiss me cause he said he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable. I told him that we discussed that the night before and i told him it was sexualy stuff and not a simple kiss. He was just trying to twist what i had said to make me feel like an idiot. I'm not going to let that work anymore.

That afternoon he went to an MMA event with friends and i went to a Bridal shower for my sister. When he got back home at 12:30, we talked and went to bed. I initiate sex with him because I was thinking about some of the stuff I'd read here and tried to do it for him because I wanted to see him happy. It worked. He was happy. I was miserable afterwards, some physical and emotional issues, but he was happy.

I've decided we need to spend more time apart. I always thought spending more time together was a good thing, but it seems like anymore the only good days we have are those where we don't spend much time together.

[ann25]

just venting...

i don't know if it the pregnancy or just this whole sit catching up to me, but I'm exhausted. I just wish there was a switch somewhere that i could click on and be in love again or have some sort of attraction for him again. i just feel like crying. I think about going home tonight. I'll cook dinner, play with my girls, clean a bit and then put them to bed. Then what? another fight? silence? more of him grabbing me when I don't want it? nothing til I'm laying in bed and he brings it up so I can't sleep again? I just wish sometimes that i had somewhere else to go... Will he make me feel guilty for these feelings again? will he get mad because not everything is just the way he wants it? the more and more he yells again, the more and more i expect things to go back to their worst. Can i take that again? i don't know... i just feel hopeless today.

[craig54]

VENT AWAY ANN!!!!

[mrarow]

My Wife has no love or afection for me anymore and is very honest about it. I must say it hurts a lot but its better than when she tells me she in very much in Love with the other man in her life, My X-Best friend!! Sounds like your H does not want to loose you and is very scared he mite have already! It hurts very much when someone recives no more love, affection or Sex. For a man sex is a big part of feeling loved. I wish you all the best and hope the book helps you.
My Info
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1276027

[ann25]

Thank you. I don't talk about OM and only mention anything if H asks me about it. I try to avoid it because I know that I hurt him. Also, I've forgiven myself for it and i've asked God to forgive me. Now I wait on his forgiveness which i know will be harder to get and needs to be from his heart when he is ready.

It's ironic because for the year before all this started i was sure that he wasn't in love with me. He certainly wasn't acting like he was, so short of him telling me, I know how he feels. That is why I try to be so gentle when I mention the negative because I know he is hurting inside.

I figure that me having sex with him periodically will hopefully accomplich a couple things. 1) it will make him happy. I'm doing it willingly. Last night I even started it. 2) maybe he'll be a little more patient with me on the constant touching and sexual intimacy as I try to regain the love i once felt.

good night all... thanks for the posts

ann

[Heimlich]

Hmmmmm, your H needs to grow up and be a man, not a whiny little boy. Sorry to be blunt, but there it is. I wouldn't want to have sex with him either (well, you know what I mean). You have tried to be honest with him, but have stopped because you don't want to hurt his feelings. When you do open up to him, he just worries that he's, basically, not good enough for you and that your're going to run away. And, you wonder why you don't find him attractive? How could anyone find that attractive. He's burdening you with his happiness and that's not fair to either of you. He told you he wasnt' happy and wanted a D, wasn't giving you the emotional support you needed, after this -- after he tells you he wants a D -- you develop an EA online. Once discovered, you totally drop it and are honest with him, yet he still can't accept that it's over and that you've decided to stay with him. Egads.

All that said, he cleaned your D's room. That's good. He's trying and you telling him he did a good job - awesome; straight out of the book you haven't read yet (literally, I think that's one of the examples). Still, what does he do around the house? My W and I were slightly older when we had our first child (26 and 25). We both worked full time. I'm not a saint, but I changed at least my share of diapers, cooked, got up in the middle of the night, cleaned, etc. I can say with absolute certainty that I took care of our girls when they were infants more often than my W did; I was more comfortable with babies than she was. If your H is sitting on his a$$ watching TV while you're cooking dinner, cleaning the house, cleaning up, taking care of the girls -- christ, there's no wonder you don't want to have sex with him.

When you said a few posts back that your baby woke up your oldest and it took you a while to get them back down and then he said, "don't worry, I won't touch you" I just wanted to reach through the computer screen and smack some sense into this boy, yes, boy. Are his legs broken? Would he have fallen down attempting to help sooth one child or the other back to sleep?

I applaud you for being here and wanting to make your marriage work. Is he willing to read any of these books and work with you to make your M better? The fact that he can't accept that you are willing to give 100% to trying to make it work, but can't be 100% certain is unfair to you. You are being honest with him and he can't handle it. Does he ever acknowledge that you are hurting inside? I see bits and pieces of myself in your H and just want to smack him so that he gets it and doesn't let a good thing slip away from expecting the worst to happen.

Just curious, but is he abusive or manipulative in any way? I'm reading your thread and wondering why you're placing all of the blame on yourself.

One thing that I read in Fertel's book (which, after reading your sitch, I think could really, really help you, especially if your H joined you in working through the book) is not to have sex if you really don't want to. If you do, it might just breed more resentment in you towards him. However, if now and again, you want to give it a try because it feels good, you just want to see if you can feel those sparks again, or you just want to do your wifely duty; give it a go.

Anyway, I hope this doesn't come off as too negative. I'm not trying to be, but your H needs to wake up and help you shoulder the load.

Best,

BD

[SirPrizeMe]

Whoa, BD!

Hold on there. This forum is a great place to seek support and encouragement, but there really is no need to bash the other spouse.

It seems to me reading Ann's story that there is work to do on each side. Each side is scared, uncertain. Both Ann and her H are trying, but sometimes faltering. Let's show some compassion for both of them, eh? This is a hard thing, it can be confusing. No need to bash the other person.

Sure, it would be nice if Ann's H were more confident. But it would also be nice if Ann herself were more loving and forthright. But should we bash Ann because of how she feels? Should we say, "heck, Ann, your feelings are wrong - get over it!" No way! And the same applies to Ann's husband.

Ann's going to have to take the lead here, seems to me. Ann's the one on these forums, and if she wants to save her M then she needs to be the one to do the work. This doesn't remove responsibility from H, but Ann must be the one to start.

Ann, you can do it! Be gentle with yourself. Take your time. If you don't want sex, then tell your husband, calmly, gently.
Maybe you can suggest something else - some soft talking, some quiet time. Spend a little time thinking about what you like about him, and tell him that. Model for him the behavior you'd like to see. Show him how to do it, how to be gentle, patient, forgiving.

Could you say,
"I want to be married to you, I cherish our bond. Right now I don't feel the passion for you. I know this is hard for you to hear, and it's even hard for me to say. Part of it is me, part of it is you. Can you take my hand and work through this with me? I know we're married - but maybe we can just start over now? Let's take the pressure for sex off - let's just get to know each other again. Can we just be gentle with each other for a while?"


Listen I was there. I was Ann's husband. My wife told me "I want to love you again" and it hurt me very much to hear her say that. I wasn't very strong, but it wasn't because I was a "little boy" and it wasn't because I was evil. I was hurt from her PA, and it was a hard time for me. I asked her what I could do to make things better and she had nothing for me, no ideas.

I needed to be more confident, myself, but I wanted a stronger signal from W. I wanted her to say, "I know this is hard now, and I don't like how I feel toward you, but I also want very much to work through this, and I promise you I will make the effort..." She couldn't. Wouldn't. Was afraid.

So there we were, two fearful people. Neither of us deserves a smack on the head. We were just in a tough spot.

I wanted her so badly - not sexually, I mean I wanted her to re-state her commitment to me. "for better or worse, in sickness and in health." I was saying that to her but she just couldn't say it to me, and it was hard for both of us. I think she wanted to want me, but she couldn't will it. And she was afraid of the fake-it-til-you-make-it approach.

It was a tough spot, and it seems a little bit like Ann's.

Both Ann and her husband deserve compassion and patience.

[SirPrizeMe]

Ann, I have some more questions -
You said you initiated sex with H one afternoon, and he was happy afterwards, yet you were miserable. Why miserable? That must be really hard for you. This is the thing that will build up resentment if you keep it up. If you initiate sex, and then he enjoys it, then can you just be happy he is happy? Or if you're not going to be happy, then maybe don't initiate - you're not ready.

Sunday he wouldn't kiss me cause he said he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable. I told him that we discussed that the night before and i told him it was sexualy stuff and not a simple kiss. He was just trying to twist what i had said to make me feel like an idiot. I'm not going to let that work anymore.

If he won't kiss you and says it might make you feel uncomfortable, can you just... kiss HIM? Take the lead? Can you be strong? Can you just say you're sorry that things are so tricky between you? Show him what you can?

There is a school of thought that says you need to address your problems head on in order to fix your marriage. Then there is another that says, you should just have fun together, rediscover the joy in togetherness, and save the "work on your problems" for later.

How would you feel about meditating on him, and thinking about what you like about him? about what attracted you to him before? about the good things you see in him? how would you feel about doing that stuff - all by yourself?

[wawpioneer]

Ann,

I am sorry to hear about your sitch. I am intrigued with it though. From the outside it almost sounds like you are both WASs. You describe him as real withdrawn emotionally. I am sorry to say that us men tend to be that way. We are not all that way but it really feels more difficult for us to express ourselves in a way that we want. It also sounds as if he may have some self-esteem issues as well or maybe it is just insecurity. I don't want to sound judging but it may simply be a trust issue. He may not feel secure in the relationship. You two may have more in common on how you feel than what you realize. Again, these are all just thoughts that I was thinking and thought I would throw them out there. If I knew the answers to these I might not be in the mess that I am in. I feel though that if you two could reconnect intimately in an emotional way you may find yourself more attracted to him. I am a guy and right now I am somewhat physically attracted to my WAW but not like I used to be before the bomb. I am not sure if I could even be physical with her right now and my sex drive is normally extremely high. We have too many emotional issues to work through along with an EA that she had. If he feels like you had an EA then he may feel some of the similar things that I feel about my WAW right now. Insecure in the relationship, unable to fully trust, and even somewhat angry about it. If that is the case then will have a hard time opening up. I do not have a lot of patience but I have once heard that it is a virtue. I would recommend that you be honest in all your dealings with him. Reassure him every once in a while that you are committed to the relationship. If you tell him about the attraction issue then maybe relate it to your lack of emotional intimacy right now and that you are commited to improving that with his help.

Sorry about the long note. I guess that I just had to vent. Good luck and please let us know how it goes. We are getting a unique perspective here from you. Thanks!

[Heimlich]

Sir/Ann,

My point was simply this: I see Ann taking a lot of blame onto herself, not all of it deserved. Yes, they are both hurt and scared. Ann, to me, is tremendously brave for doing what she can to make her R better with her H. I do think her H wants to love her. She wants to be in love with her H. Many of us would give an arm to be in that situation.

However, unless I missed something, she's tried to be forthcoming and honest with her feelings. He's retreated. He's afraid. I believe that one person can make a difference in a R, otherwise, I wouldn't be here. I see Ann taking all of the blame onto herself and that's not fair to her and it's not fair to her H. When I say he's a little boy, yeah, I mean that. He's probably a nice guy at heart. However, his W is telling him things that he doesn't want to hear and that are hurtful. She's telling him that I want to love you. Yet, instead of knuckling down and saying, "I've made mistakes too", it looks from this vantage point that he's waiting for her to do all of the work -- and give him a guarantee. Is that fair to Ann? Unless that changes, do you see either of them having a good R? Can he change? Absolutely. Can she help enable that change by posting here, acting more loving (again, I really think the Mort Fertel book would be tremendously helpful to you. If you can't find it, I'll copy mine and send it to you, Ann)? Yes, absolutely.

I'm sorry. I see, basically, a WAW in waiting posting here, wanting to be with her H, wanting to love him, blaming herself for the situation. She's told her H she's uncomfortable being sexual with him. Yet, rather than giving her the space she's asked him for, she's being constantly subjected to his sexual advances. Maybe this hits too close to home for me in that I see bits of my W in Ann and bits of me in her H. Not a perfect match by any means, but some similarity, and maybe that's affecting how I'm viewing this. However, she's telling him what she needs to begin to have feelings for her again and he's not hearing her. I'd almost like to just spend a minute on the phone with him, and say, dude, back off, help around the house, give her the space she needs to find you and love you again. It's right there for you if you can just be patient.

Anyway, I'll shut up now.

BD