Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[SirPrizeMe]

Whoa, BD!

Hold on there. This forum is a great place to seek support and encouragement, but there really is no need to bash the other spouse.

It seems to me reading Ann's story that there is work to do on each side. Each side is scared, uncertain. Both Ann and her H are trying, but sometimes faltering. Let's show some compassion for both of them, eh? This is a hard thing, it can be confusing. No need to bash the other person.

Sure, it would be nice if Ann's H were more confident. But it would also be nice if Ann herself were more loving and forthright. But should we bash Ann because of how she feels? Should we say, "heck, Ann, your feelings are wrong - get over it!" No way! And the same applies to Ann's husband.

Ann's going to have to take the lead here, seems to me. Ann's the one on these forums, and if she wants to save her M then she needs to be the one to do the work. This doesn't remove responsibility from H, but Ann must be the one to start.

Ann, you can do it! Be gentle with yourself. Take your time. If you don't want sex, then tell your husband, calmly, gently.
Maybe you can suggest something else - some soft talking, some quiet time. Spend a little time thinking about what you like about him, and tell him that. Model for him the behavior you'd like to see. Show him how to do it, how to be gentle, patient, forgiving.

Could you say,
"I want to be married to you, I cherish our bond. Right now I don't feel the passion for you. I know this is hard for you to hear, and it's even hard for me to say. Part of it is me, part of it is you. Can you take my hand and work through this with me? I know we're married - but maybe we can just start over now? Let's take the pressure for sex off - let's just get to know each other again. Can we just be gentle with each other for a while?"


Listen I was there. I was Ann's husband. My wife told me "I want to love you again" and it hurt me very much to hear her say that. I wasn't very strong, but it wasn't because I was a "little boy" and it wasn't because I was evil. I was hurt from her PA, and it was a hard time for me. I asked her what I could do to make things better and she had nothing for me, no ideas.

I needed to be more confident, myself, but I wanted a stronger signal from W. I wanted her to say, "I know this is hard now, and I don't like how I feel toward you, but I also want very much to work through this, and I promise you I will make the effort..." She couldn't. Wouldn't. Was afraid.

So there we were, two fearful people. Neither of us deserves a smack on the head. We were just in a tough spot.

I wanted her so badly - not sexually, I mean I wanted her to re-state her commitment to me. "for better or worse, in sickness and in health." I was saying that to her but she just couldn't say it to me, and it was hard for both of us. I think she wanted to want me, but she couldn't will it. And she was afraid of the fake-it-til-you-make-it approach.

It was a tough spot, and it seems a little bit like Ann's.

Both Ann and her husband deserve compassion and patience.