Well, sent W an email this morning responding to her friday email about not telling me about her EGD because of the whole emotionally needy thing and not being fair to lean on me like that.
I kept it short as in the past I tend to write novels (yes, I'm sure everyone is shocked by this after reading my posts here). In short I said that I understand her feeling it's not a big deal and being scared about the upcoming hospitalization, but I didn't understand the emotionally needy part. I said that things like that make me feel like she's trying to push her out of her life and I don't want to assume that if it's not the case, and that it would mean a lot to me if she could explain the emoitionally needy thing and why she didn't feel she could lean on me.
Kept it short, didn't mention the fact that she's willing to lean on anyone but me, and just said that I've realized how much I just try and read signals and guess what she's thinking and I'm tired of doing that and I'd much rather just ask so I don't assume incorrect things. And I mentioned that if she feels it's unfair to lean on me about stuff like this, well, I'd rather be the judge of that.
Then I took a calculated risk. I finished saying that although I felt like I wasn't supposed to say it, I loved her and her upcoming procedures scared me, but I was sure everything would work out fine. Yeah yeah, I know no ILY's, but I threw it in with the not supposed to say it part to kind of jolt her a bit. Might have been stupid, I dunno.
This was kind of a last ditch effort at opening up some lines of communication. She hasn't said much to me these past few months about what she's thinking and feeling and I hate just guessing. I'm working on detaching and not worrying about it, but ideally if we could keep the lines of communication open that would help us. Unfortunately neither of us ever really shared our feelings and it's unlikely to start now, but you never know.
So far no response, email sent early this morning. If she doesn't respond, well, I tried and it's time to detach more.
Things have been strained lately. I had hoped a separation might take some of the tension away but not yet. Unfortunately we've spent a fair bit of time together and I'm wondering if going a bit dark is called for. Our interactions are ok but she seems to be so ticked off at every little thing I do. Makes it hard. I wonder if it would be more helpful for her to get over the resentment if I pull back more, or if I just stick in there and take it. For my own sanity I might need to pull back more for a while.
I'm also wondering if maybe a 180 would be standing up for myself more. When she snips at me I let it slide, keep on being happy and upbeat, try to joke or let it slide. In our M I've always sulked and been pouty about it. I've never really stood up to her though. I don't mean attack her and scream and get pissed off, but more the firm boundaries (i.e. I don't really appreciate the way you are treating me and I'd like you to be more respectful). It would certainly shock her I'm sure, but it might also just piss her off. Not sure... I also have a lot of work to do yet on me and I have a hard time knowing what my boundaries are and if she's really being rude or I'm just overly sensitive...
Have I mentioned how much this sucks?
Giving up seems so easy. I'm not there yet, but honestly I can't imagine doing this for several years. I need to get my butt in gear on my GAL plans and detaching. Maybe just going my own way for a while will be best for both of us, but seems like if I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind and she'll just drift further away and never think about coming back.
