WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..

[jab]

Thx Ann,

I'll make it a point to not point out the changes that I'm making going forward. I have mentioned some of my plans to her for self-improvement but I didn't make it sound like I was doing it for her. I'll be careful not to bring them up in conversation again unless she actually notices the changes (which she should if I do things right).

Today was a much better day for me. I went to the apt to get cable hooked up. Cable guy was late and I was still an emotional wreck, but I sat in the empty apt alone for several hours just listening to music by myself.

A long time friend of mine (and wife's) called me and I told him the news about what was going on in my life. He made me feel ALOT better. He started talking about how he was sorry to hear the news but kept going on and on about how W took me for granted and W caused me more stress than I deserved. He validated me, confirming how much I did and sacrificed for W, how stressful my life has been and W should have understood that at least. That W had alot of issues and it wasn't fair to me what W was doing and that she is being ungrateful. That it was probably best for me to get rid of some stress in my life right now. None of this did I bring up or mention, he brought it all up on his own. These thoughts were all from what he has been observing over the past few years and didn't want to say it to me then. I FINALLY felt like someone other than myself was seeing what I see! It ISN'T all my fault, it WASN'T my imagination!

Cable got hooked up and I decided to go buy some new furniture before the $$ was gone. This also made me feel better since I furnished the whole apt for a decent price and they will deliver it all on WED. I was still sad that W and I wasn't purchasing furniture together for the house but it did brighten my mood a little.

I then started thinking on the drive home. I was thinking about how I was looking at all the negatives, all the things that I need to deal with and take care of in the coming months. THEN, it hit me. I started thinking about all the things that I WON'T have to deal with, how little I actually have to worry about as far as day to day tasks go. How I can make decisions about things and won't have to answer to anyone! I felt it. I finally felt myself 'letting go'. It was a really, really nice feeling. I kept thinking how much W has to deal with when I'm gone. She is going to have a rude awakening!

When I got home and saw W, it was pretty easy to act ASIF since I actually felt ASIF! I was still very sad inside about the situation and I still felt like I wanted to touch her, tell her ILU, all that....but I didn't.

One of the biggest issues that is killing me inside right now is that there's a pretty good chance that an A is going on behind my back. I have a hunch W knows I'm on to something and W feels guilty about it. I can't prove anything, W denys it, if there is I have NO idea how long it's been going on (but it probably started with her new job) or how far it has progressed. I have the 'feeling', though that there is something going on and it's not just the 'jealous husband' syndrome. It just feels like W is hiding something from me and I'm seeing too many signs, some are more subtle than others. It's tearing me up inside, and I DO think that it is part of the reason for W's thoughts of D. It's probably better if I never find out the truth, at least for the moment.

Anyhow, that's how my day went. I was thinking about giving W a letter or sending her an email letter before I left. It would be brief but I wanted to summarize my thoughts at this point in time. I also wanted to validate some of her feelings at the same time. This was the 'bullet' list that I wanted to include:

1) You have every reason to be unhappy an angry about how I treated you over the past few years, it was wrong and you deserve better.

2) If I knew how you really felt about everything, I would have done things differently. I never wanted to make you feel like you weren't #1.

3) I am agreeing to move out because we BOTH need some time and space to figure out what is going to make each other happy and I NEED to become the better person I know I am. I'm doing this for myself as much as I'm doing it for you.

4) I want a fresh start. A 'do-over' in our relationship. Things won't be the way they have been regardless of how they turn out.

5) My feelings have changed for you as well as myself, just like you said yours did for me.

6) I CAN be happy without you but I WANT to be happy with you. I WANT you to have what you deserve, happiness.

7) When you think about me, try to think happy thoughts, about the good memories, positive things. It wasn't ALL bad all of the time.

8) You THOUGHT that I didn't feel any love for you. I KNOW you don't feel any love for me.

9) Counseling and therapy will benefit both of us. Let me know if and when you feel comfortable enough to go with me.

10) If you want to hang out with me, talk not fight, or just go have some fun together again, feel free to let me know. I would like that.

11) I am proud of you, I think you are beautiful, I believe in you. I hope that someday you can feel that way about me.


Any thoughts or suggestions on what to include or omit are welcome. I have to be honest, I don't have DB or DR yet. I'm waiting to get them shipped to new apt and read them there next week. I'm using the forums for a reference and journal right now