Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[Heimlich]

Hmmmmm, your H needs to grow up and be a man, not a whiny little boy. Sorry to be blunt, but there it is. I wouldn't want to have sex with him either (well, you know what I mean). You have tried to be honest with him, but have stopped because you don't want to hurt his feelings. When you do open up to him, he just worries that he's, basically, not good enough for you and that your're going to run away. And, you wonder why you don't find him attractive? How could anyone find that attractive. He's burdening you with his happiness and that's not fair to either of you. He told you he wasnt' happy and wanted a D, wasn't giving you the emotional support you needed, after this -- after he tells you he wants a D -- you develop an EA online. Once discovered, you totally drop it and are honest with him, yet he still can't accept that it's over and that you've decided to stay with him. Egads.

All that said, he cleaned your D's room. That's good. He's trying and you telling him he did a good job - awesome; straight out of the book you haven't read yet (literally, I think that's one of the examples). Still, what does he do around the house? My W and I were slightly older when we had our first child (26 and 25). We both worked full time. I'm not a saint, but I changed at least my share of diapers, cooked, got up in the middle of the night, cleaned, etc. I can say with absolute certainty that I took care of our girls when they were infants more often than my W did; I was more comfortable with babies than she was. If your H is sitting on his a$$ watching TV while you're cooking dinner, cleaning the house, cleaning up, taking care of the girls -- christ, there's no wonder you don't want to have sex with him.

When you said a few posts back that your baby woke up your oldest and it took you a while to get them back down and then he said, "don't worry, I won't touch you" I just wanted to reach through the computer screen and smack some sense into this boy, yes, boy. Are his legs broken? Would he have fallen down attempting to help sooth one child or the other back to sleep?

I applaud you for being here and wanting to make your marriage work. Is he willing to read any of these books and work with you to make your M better? The fact that he can't accept that you are willing to give 100% to trying to make it work, but can't be 100% certain is unfair to you. You are being honest with him and he can't handle it. Does he ever acknowledge that you are hurting inside? I see bits and pieces of myself in your H and just want to smack him so that he gets it and doesn't let a good thing slip away from expecting the worst to happen.

Just curious, but is he abusive or manipulative in any way? I'm reading your thread and wondering why you're placing all of the blame on yourself.

One thing that I read in Fertel's book (which, after reading your sitch, I think could really, really help you, especially if your H joined you in working through the book) is not to have sex if you really don't want to. If you do, it might just breed more resentment in you towards him. However, if now and again, you want to give it a try because it feels good, you just want to see if you can feel those sparks again, or you just want to do your wifely duty; give it a go.

Anyway, I hope this doesn't come off as too negative. I'm not trying to be, but your H needs to wake up and help you shoulder the load.

Best,

BD