All the "hard" stuff I thought would naturally accompany the divorce--emotional upheavals and fights with X hubby, well, it didn't happen. The actual divorce (provided there are no custody issues) is actually liberating and unimaginably freeing. What could be worse then the bomb and all the after shocks? The worst is long over.
All of the fear and the what ifs and the change we worry about--it is, for the most part, a colossal waste of energy.
I tried to "hang on" for so long but what I was doing was holding onto the rope that was tied behind the truck that was going at a constant rate of speed without ever slowing down. I was getting torn up inside and outside, holding out for an outcome that was clearly only in my fantasy.
I will urge all of you to give yourself the gift of a competent lawyer who can take much of the worry and concern from you. What you pay in legal fees will be made up for 10 fold in other ways. Once the deed is done, you will have your life back to do what you will with it.
I may not have much money, but I have enough to stay in my home and I think I will even be able to get some financial support from the state because of my low income. I'm not ashamed to accept that help if I qualify and I will use it to provide a wonderful home for me and my kids. The organic farmers market and food stores even take food stamps in my town--it's very progressive and for that I am grateful. Unfortunately, we do have plenty of single moms here in town.
My message to you all is that it will be okay! Drop the rope if there is no sign the car and it's oblivious driver will slow down. You and the children will be okay.
As angry as I became from time to time at M, I am SO glad I did not make an enemy of him (as tempting as it was at times). My children are handling things as well as can be expected but if their father and I were at war I shudder to think of how much more heart broken they would be. Since we finished mediation, I am so much less angry at him--I just feel done with him and like he truly isn't worth wasting my energy on.
Some day I may wrote my memoirs and he will be outed for the shmuck he is, but for now my focus is where it belongs--putting my life together into a productive trajectory and keeping my kids happy.
As always, much love from the other side--bright and sunny.
