WAW says "I'm filing for D", but no papers

[Pudmuddle]

I have to side with Sir here, in that some people enjoy letting all the wind out of people's sails...

I don't think he is being unrealistic that a D MIGHT happen, but I do think focusing on the positive is much more healthy! Especially if that is the path he has chosen for himself.

Everyone is here because of the possibility of divorce, and most of us are trying our hardest our last effort to save what we want. Whether that be M or D, but the main thing is making yourself the best you again despite the odds you face. I think he has accepted/faced/the worst/the negatives...that's why he is here.

Positively yours,
Pud

[mako]

I think I agree with Pud to an extent, but I also see both sides of this.

The thing about DBing is it has the potential to take a really long time. If you get too high with the positives and too low with the negatives you can easily become an emotional wreck and just get worn down before it has a chance to work (not accusing Sir of this, just sayin). I know I feel that way sometimes and I've been at this only around a month.

Be happy about the positives, yes! They help give us the strength to keep on keepin on, and they give us a clue as to what works in our sitches. But also keep a dose of reality and know that the positives are just small steps on what may be a long journey. I don't think the earlier advice is always to keep an eye on the dark side, but just to keep somewhat of an even keel so you don't become emotionally exhausted thinking about everything. Again, not to accuse Sir of this, but just in general.

Now it's time to take some of my own advice, chill out a little and stop thinking so much mako!

[Pudmuddle]

exactly mako.

longevity. highs. lows. real. surreal.

and keep wondering why we all cannot take all the good advice we give others.

we have to rationalize or we wouldn't be human. so db helps us stop the worry so much.

[Heimlich]

I don't think the earlier advice is always to keep an eye on the dark side, but just to keep somewhat of an even keel so you don't become emotionally exhausted thinking about everything.

Bingo.

By the end of the summer, I had worn myself down. My W was also acting fairly friendly towards me for much of the summer, in many ways we were getting along better than we had in a while. Come to find out that she was talking to once (and Future?) OM throughout the summer. No one here is trying to rain on your parade, but having seen what could have been interpreted at positive signs turn into just what they were, W being friendly to ease her own guilt (and seen that in numerous other threads -- generally, the WAS does not want to hurt the other person), I don't think it's being negative to point out that friendliness just might be that -- friendliness. Having expectations raised by believing that a turnaround is just around the corner can lead you to give up hope prematurely. People come and drop off of these boards all of the time once they realize that the turnaround isn't going to be quick. No expectations. Beginner's mind and buckle in for the long haul.

Sorry, Pud, that's not being negative.

One other thought, don't focus on the negative either. Don't assume the worse. Your W can come back to you. She can turn around. You can have a wonderful life together. There aren't any guarantees, but focusing on the negative is just as bad as focusing on the positives. Mako's got it right, even keel.

BD

[Just_Me]

Thanks Heimlich.

I think that I'm wasting my time on here. There is little point in coming to the newcomers area. And it's my fault....I forget that I was exactly like that...analyzing, reanalyzing, asking on the board, "do you think that is a positive sign"? I've been there and done that and by now should understand that it's part of the process. Sorry to those that took offense.

Sir, Pud, Maco, whoever else I've offended by pointing out the negative (actually I was trying to point out that this "positive" was just an interpretation, often of a very insignificant event). I've done all that and should allow you to learn that yourself. My wife came over all the time. We went to dinner, movies, hugged, she'd say, "why are we such good friends now", we made out a couple times. These are GIANT signs. Sure, positives. Know where I ended up? divorced. My wife came on this site and saw all these actions of hers I was interpreting (ie my W called today with a really weak excuse; do you think it means something) and pushed even harder for a divorce. She wasn't even aware I was doing all this interpreting of each little action.

Anyway, I'm probably a little more jaded than I should be (and that's not because I've failed...which I haven't)...it's probably because I've seen so many people come and go from this site. I've seen so many people thinking that everything was going swimmingly only to be crushed when they find out that their spouse is seeing someone else. And from personal experience, I find that some of that stuff didn't serve me well. Whatever works for you though is fine. That's mainly what it's about...do what works.

[SirPrizeMe]

You guys are all right. All of you.

I am emotionally wrung out. I really am looking for some positive signs.

I have 4 lovely kids. Having them grow up in a single parent home is no good. It really isn't "they'll be ok." The truth is, they'll be disadvantaged. It'll hurt them. Period. THey'll survive, but it's not what I want and it's not what they want and it's not what it could be.

With one kid - ok you can make the best of it. Four kids? Already I know that they are spending much more time alone than they should. One of them has practice, the other has homework, so the one with homework stays home alone while the other goes to practice, and the other two tag along. This is no good.

In the mornings the three youngest are alone while the oldest gets driven to school. This is not good for them. Period. Divorce is not good for my kids. Period.

So I strongly prefer ...to reconcile. Not only for the kids though, also for me, and for her. We started this project together, had four lovely kids, and then... interrupted it. I'd like to get back to my vocation, sometime soon.

But Just_Me, I take your input. I think you provide a valuable perspective. I'm gonna try not to over-analyze.

I don't spend every waking moment thinking about it, though obviously today, judging from the number of posts I made, I approached that.

[Not Much Left]

Oh Lord
SPM, I am so sorry, didnt have time to read all this but all I saw was your profile and said to myself, let me check this out. I too have 4 kids, 14 yrs of marriage, W is 37, controlling, abusive to the kids blah, blah, blah. Some has merit, most does not.

You sound so strong, your W has made this VERY difficult on you. I am in a VERY similar sitch, although my W did not change locks and have an A (as far as I know), VERY similar.

I will keep reading when I have time. Kindred spirits my friend, just know there is someone out there who is feeling all the feelings you are and has been down a similar path.

Best
C

[SirPrizeMe]

CVA, thanks for the support. It is only an online forum but it is nice to feel supported. Yes, you sound the same as me. It is soooooo hard for us. Holy moly. I'm gonna check out your story. I want to know how you got the Pre-D hearing postponed, etc etc.

[SirPrizeMe]

I have to tell you a little more about the sitch. I left the house early in late August, the morning after we had a discussion. I guess you would characterize it as a R talk, so my bad. During the talk she told me, about the OM (though I did not raise the issue), "I still call him occasionally" and "he'll always be my friend."

About two months prior I had asked that she give me three monehts- three months during which she would not speak to or see the OM. She granted that request. Like I said, we apparently didn't make the three months. After that comment, I bowed out of the talk (no yelling or shouting or anger, though I did say, "that is very hurtful to me" or something like that). I went to bed. I thought a little. The next morning I told her that I am better than this, that I deserve better treatment, that I was leaving the house, and that we'd need to sell the house.

(Did I tell this story already?) The very next day she emailed me. I think. maybe she called. can't recall now. Anyway, she contacted me saying she'd like to go back to MC, let's try Retrouvaille, let's work on our marriage. This is after an entire summer of ignoring me. Constant passive aggressive cr*p.

I protested - I only want to do this if you think we can reconcile. (I was a little wary.) She assured me she thought it was possible for us to reconcile.

She never agreed to Retrouvaille. She went to one MC session, during which I behaved badly and was upset, and she never returned. How I regret that outburst now!

Anyway the moral of this story is that she is waffling back and forth. When I was strong - ok, wait, you can argue whether me leaving the house was strong, but I did it in a strong manner. I didn't stomp out. I told her clearly what the problem was. I told her I would no longer accept her treatment of me. And I told her that there would be repercussions (Selling the house). Anyway, when I did that, she started to move closer to me.

When I was weak, throwing a tantrum in the MC session, she ran away from me.

Keep this in mind friends! Learn from my experience!

[Heimlich]

Good point, Sir. Validating your spouses feelings doesn't mean you have to roll over and play dead. It's a fine line to walk -- agreeing and listening to the WAS. However, we all have a line (unique to each of us) beyond which the R is over for us as well. Whatever that boundary is (a common one is that some people can handle a S having an A, other's can't), identify it and be strong if your S encroaches upon it.

That's not a great explanation, but maintaining self-respect is something we all need to do.

BD