The End or Just a Begining?

[Atlas]

I'm going to disagree with you.

Good it helps to hear different views.

You don't deserve the Darwin award. The situation has changed. Your wife is the one indicating that she wants a relationship with you.

Thanks, I felt I deserved it for falling back to an old habit so easily. The situation has changed and at this point there is just indication, no real decision or actions upon those indications, she is just taking temp, so I’m not holding my breath.

The affair's breakup is too new to be trusted. She does need to prove that she can start developing your trust.

Couldn’t agree more.

So she took the phone into the bathroom? How do you know she didn't delete the texts that she didn't want you to see and kept a few of her earlier ones before she changed her mind?

Just, I have no clue what she did in there, changed, etc. I’ve gotten really good though at not leading my thoughts to the extreme, in this instance she dumped messages, but rather to the thought, I don’t know what she did in there. I find it senseless for me to think a thought, react to that thought without proper evidence. However, I do see what your saying, I’m not giving of myself to her, and I’m certainly not emotionally checking in with her. It is way to risky right now.

You don't have to trust her and in fact you shouldn't. It's something she needs to earn.

Agreed

That doesn't mean you shouldn't be apologetic for snooping, but I think that you should tell her that if she wants you to trust her again she needs to be an open book.

Agreed

Next time, out of the blue say that you'd like to look through her messages and such. That part of your process of trusting is to have the opportunity to check her occasionally. It'll get better with time.

I will if we get there, but honestly I don’t think we are that far along for me to have that right. There isn’t a full commitment from either party to commit to reconciliation. I almost feel likes it’s a mid-east peace talk, a lot is being said, but nothing will get done.

As for letting the divorce proceed. That sounds wise to me. Remarriage is always a possibility a year or two down the line.

I agree, I can’t give up financially what I have arranged. I haven’t talked to a person yet that doesn’t think that is the way to go.

Atlas, here's my question for you: what would you have done if you saw that she had written back and said, "love you too"? If it were me, I would again distance myself from her, possibly figure it's over, since she couldn't be trusted. What would you do?

I would have left then. See this is a weird one as well, because I’ve emotionally gotten over the fact that she was having an A. Not to say there are no problems. But about a month after she left, I snooped her phone and to see the things that these two said to each other killed. Then she accidentally left her email up on my browser and to see that killed me. It was a horrible time. So at this point the shock value has really left the building, and I view her in such a state as "it doesn’t surprise me." Until she earns my trust, that’s how I play, with all the pads on. But to answer, I would have left and yes distanced myself from the situation.

Anyway, at this point you no longer have to walk on eggshells with her.

YIPEE! Actually I think is helping the DB’ing efforts. I don’t take her crap, and when I do something for her, I think she realizes it is called being nice. For instance the other night I could tell she was upset because I wouldn’t take S out to dinner so she could get some work done. It was her night, I had prior plans and left. When I left, I’d do this at any friends house, she had her garbage ready to go out and so I took it and tossed it. Nothing really, but it must have been for her. She brought it up and thanked me all about it.

She is still driving this R. Why is that?

I think I’m a door mat when it comes to her, always have been. I know I’m also being as nice as possible until that pen signs that agreement. Not sure what else to say here. Could use some extra 2x4’s, questions, to help me figure this one out?

She has indicated a desire to try again. Are you worried that she'll dash for the hills if you establish some boundaries or indicate some conditions for reconciliation? What have you lost if she does? What does that say about her level of commitment to this course if she runs as soon as you establish some conditions?

Indications, which is all they are, are temperature takers. I have already laid out the conditions. MC and Retourvaille. Open Access on phone, email etc.

However, I know the books and everyone says you have to have this open access. I don’t know how comfortable I am with that, and I don’t know why. Sure my W shouldn’t have done what she did, but I wouldn’t consider her moving back in until I could feel I trusted her, so probably like two weeks. Just kidding, I have no idea how long that would take.

We all sit here and talk about how our trust accounts with our spouses are empty or closed and how can we ever have them full again. Well, isn’t it there job to deposit? On the opposite side of that, what are we doing to deposit in our account with them? Wouldn’t that be a positive feedback loop, or something like that. But it takes 2, I know and so does everyone else you can’t trust blindly.

Just_me, thank you for the very thought provoking response. Those really help.