I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

[cemar2]

Sandi2:

You have to realize that in NEW relationships, women create a whole lot of chemicals in their body that MIMIC desire, that MIMIC that effect of testsoterone. THIS WILL PASS. You could jump ship because you feel this desire, and in 18 months, YOU will be back on here wondering where your desire went AGAIN. Don't FALL for this trap.

Thoses are very good articles written by women to other women trying to explain mens need for sex. Here are a couple of other books that I recomend that you read to understand your husband:

What every Women needs to know about Men.

Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

[sandi2]

I know you are right DomR.......I KNOW YOU ARE RIGHT! I have to force myself to do it, but it is so hard when I can't stand it. The other night he came to lay down on top of my bed while I was getting ready for bed and I nearly froze up. I didn't know what was coming. But, as it turned out, it had nothing to do with me at all.....it was something else completely. In a couple of minutes he got up and left out. He had to have my little dog put to sleep and the next day I was really tore up about it. I was laying on the bed crying and he came and laid down behind me and put his arms around me and told me he was sorry and that he loved me. I said I knew and I mumbled that I loved him too. But, I coudn't really respond to him by turning toward him and putting my arms around him. I just laid there with my back to him. That is what scares me. I can't respond to him. I am a WAW in my heart! You'll keep talking to me and help me. I know I have to help myself.....I know that, but I can't let things get to the place where I was before when I contacted the OM. I have been thinking about OM a lot and I know I shouldn't b/c it is playing with fire. I don't plan to go there again. I don't want a repeat of what happen a few months ago. I don't know how I allowed myself to get back at this place except......by doing nothing and just waiting for "feelings" that wouldn't come.

Please don't give up on me.

[Dom R]

Please don't give up on me.

For as long as you want me to keep talking to you, I wont

Let's take a little closer look at what is going on....

I have to force myself to do it, but it is so hard when I can't stand it.

How about thinking about what kinds of things you are completely revolted at the thought of, compared to things that you could manage.

Well, its not so much important to focus on the things you DONT want to do... I think it might be helpful to try to focus more on the side that you WOULD do
For the other side, it might help to know just vague areas that you arent comfortable with right now.

I think that generaly speaking, there may be 3 categories of things you could do for him. (i'll get to him doing for you, later...)

category #1: things that you could do "easily"

category #2: things that would be "difficult", but you could still manage

category #3: things that you are completely nauseated by.

Category 3 things, I'm guessing can be lumped into broad areas, like "Anything physical", and "showing him positive affection, directly".

So... outside of those areas... how about coming up with 3 things, in either category #1, or category #2, that you believe he would like. Also, please identify in which category they are in for you.


I'll wait to post the next part of what I intend to say, until after you reply to this bit first

[OG_Lou]

Sandi The thing that I want to return and to feel normal and not fake is to "want" to do special things for my H.

Normal, as in how? I think the tern Normal needs to be redefined. I don’t imagine any normal in your or my life.

The only thing I think is normal is a New Normal you can look for. Baby the old normal ain’t going to happen. I learned that by reading a woman’s forum.

I just could not stand to sit there and watch some boring TV program..
I have thought/done the same thing Sandi. BB watches the same re-runs almost every night. How many times can a person watch “Three’s Company”?

Sometimes I read books the forum discusses and right now I am reading a thick IRS volunteer tax prepares manual. :finger down throat:

I have seen too many programs where a dog does heroic things to save people form you, name it. I know pets are incredible, but when they are portrayed similar to cartoon super heroes, that is a bit much. I read books then too, sitting right next to BB.

I will confess to going to my computer too, busted!

Sandi, sometimes I listen to my tape player or MP3 player while BB watches “her programs” I feel I owe it to her just because I need to hold up my part of the R.

The shoe gets put on her foot too. When I put something on the TV I like, but she doesn’t, she sleeps while I do light foot rubs.

I don’t feel like I want to do or have it that way, but I do it, just because. If I didn’t just do it because, I would feel selfish. If I don’t do it I know the R would be worse and come to a point where I would rather separate.

This way I know I tried what I thought would help and am not giving up. I also eat liver and onions on rare occasions. I eat spinach w/o lots of butter. I go places my W likes that have little interest to me. Not often, but I go and try to be happy. I always find something I learned or liked that I wasn’t expecting.

For starters, if you have to, watch the weather/news together. Fox then CNN or visa-versa or pick something else.

Lou

[sandi2]

Cat. #1 - I could give him a good-bye kiss every morning when I leave for work and kiss him good-night when I go to bed.

I could watch at least one TV program each night.

Tonight, we are going out to have dinner with the Church Choir....our Christmas get-together. My goal is to be bright and act "upbeat". I will can do that for him, even though I do not feel it in my heart.

I have to go get ready now, but I hope this is what you had in mind, or am I really off track?

[Dom R]

Sandi, sometimes I listen to my tape player or MP3 player while BB watches “her programs” I feel I owe it to her just because I need to hold up my part of the R.

hey.. that's a really neat idea, IMO. Kind of the modern day equivalent of reading "together".

Two married people might choose to have an hour or so of reading books. They may be reading completely separate books... but if they are in the same room... at least it's kinda-sorta-almost "together". As long as both people are ok with that... i hear that some people do well in that sort of arrangement, so long as that's not all they do.

If, on the other hand, they go read books in different rooms.. welll... then there's a serious problem!

[Dom R]

Cat. #1 - I could give him a good-bye kiss every morning when I leave for work and kiss him good-night when I go to bed.

I could watch at least one TV program each night.

I have to go get ready now, but I hope this is what you had in mind, or am I really off track?

Perfect! You might also consider DIY's alternative, of "being there in the room", but possibly doing something else... *IF* that is what he wants.
I also think it is very fair for you to agree on taking turns on who gets to pick the program!

Tonight, we are going out to have dinner with the Church Choir....our Christmas get-together. My goal is to be bright and act "upbeat". I will can do that for him, even though I do not feel it in my heart.

That is a nice intent for you... I would caution about "pushing it" too far, though. I think that kind of thing, can majorly accelerate burn-out for yourself. I think that's something that you should avoid.
If pushing yourself, ends up making you actually feel good(sometimes, that acutally happens ) then hurrah for you.

If on the other hand, it starts feeling too much for you, you might choose to tone it down, to just being "pleasant and friendly" or something.


More in a followup post, for the "categories" stuff.

[Dom R]

Ok, you made the "list of 3 things to do for him". That's great! you are well on the way to something better

Next step;

Now make a list of 3 things that he could do for you (on a regular basis), that would make you feel at least a bit better.
Dont be shy on these ones.. Dont hold back, really "go for it", and write down even major things, that you feel would have the BIGGEST positive effect on your marriage, if he did them.

Try not to rule anything out, as "he wont do it", or "its too hard"... Just be totally honest, about if a fairy waved a magic wand, and he suddenly started doing these 3 things, it would really mean something to you.


If you feel timid, and you want to write down some "lesser" things as well, that's up to you. However, you "must" write down the 3 big things, first

[Losing-it-in-LA]

Dear Sandi,
I have not read your complete thread. All I can tell you--I promise--is that the grass is not greener on the other side.
Letting our wanderings,lusting, & emotions control our actions will only give brief satisfaction. Communication with our mate is everything. A break-down in communication is what causes us to drift and be distracted--until fantasies and lust sets in. Once your in that stage, its like a snowball going down hill. Resist,resist,resist--open a book,a bible, a magazine--start reading. The urge will pass. Be open with you spouse about your feelings and I'm sure you can work thru it.

Losing-it-in La.