Last thread jammed like a dust-filled M16! Well, I was going to write W. a Birthday Card. Even found one here that was not to "The Love of My Life". Then I thought about it. When I read Gary Chapman's "5Love Languages" and began to try to do find tat "Love Language", her response was "I know what you're trying to do, and I just find it annoying". This was after I had gotten her presents for every occasion for the previous 2 years, without so much as Thanks. (My resentment started to build as well about then) That preceded the dressing in the closet, locking the door when she showered and stacking pillows 40 feet high between us in bed, which lasted for about 1 year and a half, before anger stage II and II set in.
Sending this card might just do the same thing---annoy her. It's ridiculous that we have to think about all these routine things! Let me know on that one.
Another think I've thought about lately. If I was still at home, we would be separated, and I would be living alone. She would expect me to come to my old house, cut down a tree with the kids, and put up the tree in a house in which I no longer live. I would be responsible for taking 20 years of memories out of an ornament box, and hanging them on the tree…from Ballerina Barbie, to Skating Barney to Firetrucks to Popsicle stick deer that my daughters made 12 years ago, to “Our First Christmas Together” which my late mom gave to us the first year we were married. Each ornament rips more of my heart out, because I did this last year.
I know it’s “for the kids”, but if a couple gets divorced, when do you send the message to your former spouse: “ I’m not doing this. It’s over. We’re not a family. Don’t try to pretend we are. Don’t make me feel guilty because I won’t put up a tree in my old house. This is what YOU wanted. I’ll have my own holiday with the kids. If this is for the kids, why did you want a divorce?”
I’ve got to say, I was almost in tears with each ornament, and she either didn’t care, was not effected by our split, is so out of it, or is just plain mean or sick.
She did this to me over Halloween. Sent pictures of my son carving a pumpkin saying “They really missed you when they did it” WTF?
Sorry, but it’s almost Christmas, I’m in Iraq, and I can still feel the sting of putting up the tree from last year, and yes, I’m angry, and yes, I’m venting!!
I feel for you FLTC! My kids put up the Xmas tree at my old home on the weekend and I was not invited. Fair enough, I didn't invite her to put up the tree in my apartment. I still remember the day before I moved out, when I emptied the china cabinet of all our momentos, pictures, the kids origami and how I had to sit and cry every few minutes and then start all over again. this stuff sucks! Last night I lay in my bed and cried looking over my kids Christmas lists, it's all so sad but it is what it is. As far as the card, get a blank one and write a little Happy Birthday message, make it whatever you think is appropriate. Don't be mushy, or R oriented, just be friendly. You are being appropriate to acknowledge her special day, nothing more. Your post reminds me of what my W said once about me doing nice, romantic things for her, I believe I had sent her flowers. She said "stop doing these things, you only do them because you know I like it" FLTC just accept that you are in the "can't do anything right" hole and it can get pretty friggin deep! Take care and congrats on your first lockout here on Divorcebusting, today you are a man
Thanks, folks. I'll send it tomorrow. Wii: I love the line: "Stop that because you know I like it"
God...I still rememeber the day I moved out. I can't think of a worse day in my life. I couldn't pack anything without getting completley choked up and overwhelmed. I have, however come to the decision that I do need to move on. I have decided it's over. I'll just let her do all of the leg work and formalization of it.
Yes. It does su*k. It doesn't get worse than this. I'm not sure how they can do this to their own kids, us aside.
What do you all feel about this part (below)of my last post? Not that I want to ever use my kids, but when do you get to the point if you do divorce, that you DON'T carve the pumkins or put up the tree at your old house. WE WON'T BE A FAMILY, why pretend "for the kids"?
I know it’s “for the kids” (carving pumpkins, putting up the tree at you old house), but if a couple gets divorced, when do you send the message to your former spouse: “ I’m not doing this. It’s over. We’re not a family. Don’t try to pretend we are. Don’t make me feel guilty because I won’t put up a tree in my old house. This is what YOU wanted. I’ll have my own holiday with the kids. If this is for the kids, why did you want a divorce?”
Here's another question: I don't ever want to agree to a dviorce. Period. Does it make any sense to try and keep someone married to you who is so adamant about getting out. Does it serve anybody any good?
I've really been struggling with this and need some advice from you kind and smart people!
Divorced people don't need to be friends, just co-operative. How will you next girlfriend react to that kind of "family time"? That's the way to look at it. When you do go home, you need to set a boundry for yourself that you will spend time together with the kids in an environment of your choosing. You need to dump the memories of the house and all that and go towards making new memories in your fractured world. If you act "as if" your separated then it will help. By the way, how's that separate finance situation going? Protect your flank yet?
That's a good way to look at it. As a matter of fact that's a GREAT way to look at it, but doesn't it seem like I'm using the kids as sort of a hostage? I think that, but immediately flip the switch to say" THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!!. WHAT DID YOU THINK DIVORCE WOULD BE?"
$$$$...No, unfortunately, I have not. D16's education cost over 100K. Now she's applying to college at 40K a year! There's no way!!! And if we get divorced???? Shel'll have to live at home and go to community college, and may be better off doing that to start anyway.
She and her mother were at each other's throat, as you may recall. D. was out of control, and needed to be reomved from the home. Well, here it is a year later, and D16 says that when she graduates in 3 weeks, she and ehr counselor at school believe that it will be better if D16 doesn't live with W. Remember, W. balmed all of the poor interactions betwen D16 and her on W.s' unhappiness from the "M". Now what?
When it comes to the money, well, she can wish for whatever she wants. Wishing, however, isn't reality. You need to sit down and calculate out what the separation will look like and then apply some reality to your daughter's plans. Reality bites. Wishing that your rifle still works after it's dropped in the sand isn't the same as making sure it does. Get it done.
On another note, glad you're working hard and that you've got things to do. Lot's of others don't have that and wallow. With everyone responsible under you make sure that you keep your life balanced. Work, money, life.
The holiday stuff is tricky indeed! I think it depends on how comfortable you feel. In another year you may feel different than you do now, FLTC!
In my case my H wanted the divorce (expect it to be final in Jan 08). I am still in our family home. We have seen too many ugly divorces with family and friends so we vowed we would be able to dance at D17's wedding (IN THE FUTURE!) and not make anyone feel uncomfortable around us. We spent Thanksgiving together at a niece's house and on the surface no one would have known we are in the middle of a divorce. H is working on Christmas so D17 and I are heading out of town. No tree is up here yet(it was always H's job). I haven't asked him to help with it; D17 says she doesn't even want the tree up. Not sure why. He has already bought me a Christmas present along with presents for D17. I am not planning a specific time to unwrap gifts together but will be willing to do it IF he plans it!
So everyone is different and you have to do what works for you. New traditions may be better than the old!!!
You can start with your R&R with the kids in the Spring making new memories!
How about a New Year's Resolution to save some money for FLTC???? (I promised I wouldn't say anything more about money, but someone else started it so I was just adding my 2 cents).
