S6 was sick again yesterday. He woke up a little after 5 AM, calling out to me. He threw up and I got a waste paper can to hold for him while he spilled his cookies. It meant missing Church, which I had been looking forward to. Oh, well. I felt sorry for my little boy -- I know how bad it can be.
W thanked me for taking the boys for their pictures -- she says she'll reimburse me for the cost later this month (she already owes me for mortgage/rent, being the first of the month. I am going to be tight on funds until I get paid this week. She just can't seem to get that in her head though.)
Yesterday afternoon I had a session with my C. He's suggesting I take a firmer stance with W and to call her out on some of these unfair attacks on myself. My instinct would be to agree with him, that I should not let her walk all over me, but then she thinks I am too argumentative as it is. I asked him how smooth should I make the path back to me. C said basically that if she doesn't respect me and my concerns she's not likely to want to come back anyway -- I'd have to agree: she won't tolerate someone she doesn't respect. C suggested several things, some of which I agree with and some of which I know are not in the DB/DR game plan (I did not tell him this) -- but on further consideration, given all the cheeseless deadends I've been down of late, I have decided to change tactics.
I'm a little tired of not being perfectly honest and candid with W just to spare her feelings. I have had enough of this one-sided tiptoeing around the eggshells, and I believe that "speaking the truth with love" is a better approach.
I wrote what just might end up being a final email to W, depending on how she takes it. It will either bring her into the conversation as an open and sincere participant, or she will get angry, let her pride rule her head, and ignore me. I sent it after she argued with me on the phone about (again) my lack of communication.
Here it is <warning: it might be a little long>:
"Perhaps I should try this one more time.
You continue to tell me that I am a failure in communication. And yet you seem to expect me to always be the one who opens up and spills his guts, while you get to sit back and do nothing but criticize.
I have told you I accept my failures and my contributions to the demise of our marriage -- and you continue to revel in my acknowledgments of those transgressions. But you have shown zero interest in taking full ownership of your contributions to the demise of this marriage. Somehow the only thing we can seem to agree upon is that I screwed up -- but we never ever focus on yourown transgressions that have led us to this place. Funny how that works, huh?
Despite your misconceptions, I have been working on myself -- and getting my spiritual, mental and physical house in order -- and, no, I am far from perfect. You say that there have been no actions and no signs of improvement on my part. You are one to judge! Because you, in your mind, place the onus for what is wrong squarely on me, you have shown no interest in working on yourself.
But I get it -- yeah, you are perfect. In fact, you have other people telling you so -- so why should you change? Right? Growth is not something you have considered for yourself. No, you are already there and you "have a chance with someone" who already thinks you're perfect.
No, its much easier to demonize me and run away from your problems by pinning all of them on me. So keep me on the defensive all the time so we never have to consider what's up with you.
W, I love you. Lord Almighty above help me, I don't know why, but I still do.
I hate like hell that you are doing what you are doing to us and our family. It is the most horrific pain I have ever felt. And yet I still can't help but love you. I am so utterly disappointed in you and still so mortified by this betrayal -- you are so much better than this. I know that.
I truly understand the pain you've been through, but this is too much. And you insist that nothing you have seen or experienced in these five months have moved you in any way other than your selfish, destructive path. Furthermore, you state that you predict the future that nothing I say or do will ever convince you to alter this course. Whatever. You're not trying.
So, again, what is the point of you and I communicating, especially with regards to our relationship? The pretense of better parenting to children in a broken family? Sorry, but that does not require me to tell you anything about my heart, my soul and my feelings; No, that only requires we speak only of our sons. Under the proposed circumstances for divorce, you will no longer be privy to what goes on with my personal life. And once the big D happens you will have abdicated any privilege of knowing about who I am and who I grow to be. We can and will talk about our sons, but that requires nothing else.
I have said it before, and I mean it: I am not going to stand in your way -- it would do me no good even if I tried. I hate divorce; I don't believe in divorce. Short of physical abuse, repeated adultery or other wanton sinful transgressions, divorce is wrong and a cowardly way to approach life's issues. But I hate what our marriage has devolved into as well. I miss the warm, loving, joyful woman I was once married to. I miss my spiritual partner, that beautiful soul I fell in love with.
I cannot stand what this has done to us. This constant, unrepentant hostility I feel from you is so beneath the woman I know. And it rends my soul to have to defend myself and argue with you; I can't stand what we do to ourselves.
My goal, were you really genuine in pursuing marriage counseling with me, was to rebuild the marriage from the ground up. To start over. To have a marriage reborn, with God's blessings. A born-again marriage, so to speak. And, no, it would not have been easy. Nothing worthwhile in life ever is. It would have meant hard work. Very hard work, and difficulties at times. But the work is necessary for a marriage to last, I know that now. A marriage takes both commitment and a continual effort to keep it healthy. And still I have become more than willing to give it my all. I have had my ideas in this regard. But I know the rewards for such would be beyond measure.
I can understand, though, why that scares you. You just don't want to make that effort. Commitment is tough. I understand. I am sure its so much easier to run away and be drawn into the emotional highs of infatuation with another person. Takes no effort at all.
It just disappoints me in you. I am not trying to shame you into anything -- Heaven forbid. If you don't have the strength of character to even try, then so be it -- I need to move on. I cannot work on this M alone.
I think we can try to be cordial with each other, if only for our sons' sake, but I don't think we can be friends any longer -- not really, not while you are pursuing an A with another person.
Should you ever decide that you would like to work things out between us, then let me know and we can really and honestly talk about it. Keep and mind that as time goes on I can't make any promises -- because things do change and I don't intend to sit still forever, but of course that all depends on where God leads me."
I know, get the 2x4's ready -- it ain't proper DB'ing.
I followed it up, for whatever it's worth, with the lyrics to a song that keeps playing on my mind of late.
Another Try
All the things I felt and never shared All the times that she was lonely with me there The tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes And how I let her go without a fight
The reasons I'm alone I know by heart But I don't want to spend forever in the dark I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life If love ever gives me another try
There's no changing things that we regret The best that we can hope for is one more chance If the hands of time could just move in reverse I wouldn't make the same mistake again with her
The reasons I'm alone I know by heart But I don't want to spend forever in the dark I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life If love ever gives me another try
The reasons I'm alone I know by heart But I don't want to spend forever in the dark I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life If love ever gives me another try
I've probably screwed up big time with this. She keeps drawing me back in when I need to detach more.
