I think pulling out of your emotional funk without pursuing her is the key. I'm not saying she is having an affair. What we are all picking up on are her recent and 180 character changes... they signal SOMETHING. Whether that is an indication of a relational dynamic change, menopause, a 'crush,' or an emotional/physical affair... nothing at this point should be discounted, until you think you've gotten to the bottom of things. I'm not saying to accuse her.
But if her sex drive stayed relatively consistent during child bearing/rearing years, and she is all the sudden doing this... and she's unwilling to talk about it...
Corri, I agree that we need to keep all the possibilities in mind, but there are just too many signs pointing to menopause and an apparent problem in accepting it.
One of my wife's biggest turn-offs has always been dishonesty. She really hates people who lie, and if I or any the kids were ever caught, her wrath was withering. Also, she's an absolutely lousy liar herself. She can't keep a secret to save her life. And if she's telling me even a little bit of a fib, you can see it in her eyes.
I don't know, maybe I'm naive. If she were having an affair, it would be more her style to just be up front about it. And with the exception of the lack of physical affection, nothing else has changed. I would think that she would show an affair in some other aspects of her behavior as well.
Anyway, I'm going to be away from home for the next week. If she's having or about to have an affair, she'll have plenty of time.
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
I went back and looked at one of your earlier posts. YOU keep saying it's menopause or hormonal, and she has TOLD you it is not. You said she said: a) we've changed, and b) it's all my fault.
That is a synopsis of her answer.... but in reality, I'm sure it was a longer, more detailed answer? And more than likely, that conversation contains the answer you are seeking (part of which could be that you don't listen to her, and you aren't owning your part of the problem).
Can you expand on her two answers with more specifics.
If it wasn't any longer an answer than that... then that is where I'd start with her... to get her to really flush out those two comments.
Corri Trust is a lovely thing. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with verifying.
I am all for doing what Corri said. Several people on the forum "Trusted an later found out there was an A going on after they installede key logger software and checked cell phone records"
Thats how I found out about my H affair by checking his cell phone records. I saw he was getting alot of calls from a certain number and they were long phone calls. He tried to hide it from me by telling the phone co. to stop sending the detailed message page of our bill back in Nov. of '06, and to just send the amount due page. I asked him why he did that and he said to save paper and I was always so trusting of him I believed him. Then one day when I got suspicious and I went on the verizon website and looked at the bill details and I knew something was up. It took me about 6 mos. to figure it out.
Corri and all, I hear what you're saying, but here's another little tidbit.
If you remember from one of my earliest posts, when I pulled myself out of my "funk" of depression and withdrawal, she responded. In fact, a few days after my "amazing recovery", we made love. That was about a month ago.
Again, if you remember, she told me it was really just a "sympathy f___k". I don't think that's really true. Clearly, she wasn't really into it as we were doing it. I believe that in her hormonally depressed state, she just couldn't feel much of anything. It was totally zipless for her. No fireworks. No brass band. Just a lot of pointless humping. And we haven't made love since because she probably thinks that it will just be another unsatisfying experience. And I think that might really be depressing, distressing, and disturbing to her. She might think that her body is just broken.
Here's another observation: she used to masturbate frequently. She was very open about it and I would often catch her in the act and "help her along." This would happen once or twice a month. That has stopped. Or, for some strange reason, she has become incredibly discrete about it.
To me, these little tidbits point to something hormonal. Saffie: as a menopause survivor, am I making sense?
Certainly, it's possible she's having an affair. Anything's possible. Based on my conversations with my DB coach, and with everyone on this board, my hypothesis is that she's entered menopause and is having a hard time dealing with it. I'm just not sure how to best test my hypothesis...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
I went back and looked at one of your earlier posts. YOU keep saying it's menopause or hormonal, and she has TOLD you it is not. You said she said: a) we've changed, and b) it's all my fault.
That is a synopsis of her answer.... but in reality, I'm sure it was a longer, more detailed answer? And more than likely, that conversation contains the answer you are seeking (part of which could be that you don't listen to her, and you aren't owning your part of the problem).
Can you expand on her two answers with more specifics.
If it wasn't any longer an answer than that... then that is where I'd start with her... to get her to really flush out those two comments.
I haven't been through the menopuause yet but I have had LD periods for medical reasons, (post childbirth issues). I have also read about the menopuause a lot as my own mother had distinct problems there. I do believe it is the underlying problem. However I am no expert. Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
