It even irritated my wife when I kept saying how sorry I was/am. Even though I meant it, in her mind I was just saying what I thought she wanted to hear.
It's still a mystery to me, because before the A, I thought we had it all going for us. I was happy with her, and I thought she with me.
Two months before she started sleeping with this guy, she was telling me how much she loved me and dancing in the kitchen to love songs, taking the kids for weekend trips (as usual), and expressing how special it was that we had only been with each other.
Go figure, eh? Things weren't perfect, but they sure as hell weren't awful either.
Seriously, keep trying to put yourself in her shoes. You'll never understand how she could actually have the affair. Try to figure out what got her there. You may conclude that she's just nuts but you might gain some insight.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
ooooooh. I just looked at the calendar and realized the OM's birthday is tomorrow. (i know because he was my friend). W dropped off the kids with me this morning, I have them all weekend.
My imagination is going now. Now I think I know what she's doing this weekend.
all weekend.
that's a bummer.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
How did she get to where she was? I think it's standard affair stuff:
she was about to turn 40. getting older.
feeling unconfident about herself. changed her hairstyle often in the years prior to the affair. talked of getting a boob job.
her hearing was going. she got a hearing aid. it runs in the family but I think she took it as a sign of age.
our youngest was in school full time. She had time on her hands.
she was asking herself "what do I do with my life?" - type questions.
her friend (my friend) was having trouble in his marriage. He had had a vasectomy and yet his wife was pregnant. The man was despondent.
she comforted him. (I was on a business trip) He got drunk. He made a pass at her. The first night, the kissed but nothing further happened. Their minds started clicking. He called her the next day professing his love for him.
she went to him. it was exciting, fun, romantic. They stole away. the secrecy was addictive.
she began to hate me. She built up lots of resentment with him, about me. she imagined I knew about the affair, and didn't even care enough to put a stop to it. etc etc.
W told me all this while we were trying to recover and reconcile.
I think this is all pretty standard MLC type stuff. So I feel like I understand the affair, now. (I talk of it as if it is over but I am not so sure. Nothing I can do about it though.)
What I don't really understand is the desire to rip up the family now. Affair or no affair, we have a beautiful family. This is a beautiful thing we made together, and it ain't done!
I want to be at home when my son comes in and has to tell me he wrecked the car for the first time. I want to be there when my daughter goes on her first date. I want to be there when they come home with a gold star from school. I want to go on family vacations to explore the world with them. I want to be there when her mother dies, as she was there for me when mine passed away. I want to be there when she falls ill, and I want to take care of her when she does. By my daily presence, I want to show my family how to deal with adversity, how to forgive, what character means, how to help people you love, how to fulfill commitments. I want to be the father I know I can be.
But I feel like I'm not getting that chance.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
We're planning Christmas. We'll be traveling back to our hometown with the kids. Trying to work it so she and I don't have to be on the same flight. So I will fly out with the kids and she will fly back with them. I needed to call her to figure out how to make the arrangements. A legitimate question.
We were both cheery on the phone. Good!
She asked what we had planned for the weekend! Good, she's interested.
And it gave me the opening to ask her what she's doing for her weekend. Earlier she had said she had lots of plans. Good! I Got to show interest without being pushy!
Her plans have fallen through. She was going to be selling jewelry, but that's not happening. So instead, she told me she's running errands and just enjoying the peace and quiet. She'll go for a workout. hang out. Good! She's responding!
I didn't ask her about tomorrow (the actual birthday). [I'm sure she's thinking about it though. Last year she made him dinner for his bday.] Good for me!
anyway, that was a small positive step.
one day at a time.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Sounds like a lot of Goods! from that phone conversation. Good for you, baby steps seems to be how these things go. Be happy about any positive interaction, don't dwell on any negative, and learn from both.
Hope nothing bad happened today with it being OM's Bday. You know you can't worry about that, but we both know that's easier said than done. Stay strong.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
I had the kids all weekend, they slept at my place for the first time Saturday night.
Couple things worth mentioning.
She dropped them off Saturday morning. I had spoken to her Friday evening, we planned for 930am drop-off. I had called her while I was out with friends. She could hear the noise in the background and asked where I was. So that's good, she thinking about me. I told her I Was at the basketball game. That impressed her, it's the first time I've gone to a game in our new city.
Anyway there was a delay in the morning and she didn't arrive til 11am. She had called to let me know she would be late but I did not get the message. When she actually arrived I was asleep, because I had stayed out late the night prior. I woke up to the sound of the doorbell. I confessed sheepishly that I had been asleep. This is unusual for me; I am an early riser. She knew I had been out late. I was in that silly sleepy-head state.
She came deep into the house. Didn't stay at the door. She walked through the kitchen and planted herself in the middle of the house. Without a real invitation to do so by me. I didn't react. Obviously she wanted to come in for some reason. Maybe she wanted to see if anyone was there with me. Regardless, she is interested.
When she came she wore a sweater vest I had given her for Valentine's Day 2007, a designer thing from a nice department store in town. V-day was when she was feeling "hopeless" and began calling OM again. Under that, she wore a nice top that I had given her for Xmas 2006. She looked nice. (I thought it but did not say it!!)
When we discussed timing and logistics of the drop-off, I suggested I give the kids back after dinner on Sunday evening. She said, "good, that means I don't have to make dinner, two nights in a row." I took this as an indication that she might be tiring of the solo parent thing. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.
Sunday morning she called for what seemed a made-up reason. When she had dropped them off Saturday, she told me of S10's homework assignment, a book report. Said he needed the book to do the work. I had told her there is a library just a couple blocks away. I told her I'd take care of it. So Saturday the kids and I had gone to the library to get the book. Sunday she called to ask if she should go get the book for S10. Well, no, I told her, "I took care of it."
Actually it was more involved than that. We had this little discussion where I explained that we had gone to the library, checked the book out, but then on the way home couldn't find the book. We concluded that he left the book in the library. She wondered, "why is it so hard for him?" I replied "Well you know, he just doesn't want to do the book report. So, he avoids it." "He forgot the book on purpose?" "No, I mean his heart's not in it, so he's not doing what it takes." Sounds like someone else I know, but I didn't say that. I was cheery and pleasant. I told her we'd go get the book again, after church.
Anyway I thought it was notable that she was calling for no real reason.
She took the opportunity to ask about our plans for the day. I told her we'd go to church, do some other stuff (vague). I was cheery on the phone and didn't inquire about her day. Remember this is OM's birthday. The weak pitiful Sir wants to dwell on it, but the strong Sir wants to just plow right through and focus on me. The strong Sir won, this time.
Sunday evening she called again, to arrange pick-up. I had suggested I would drop the kids off at our house. But ever since she sent me a message disallowing me in the house (which I am paying for), when I pick up at the house I just drive up and beep, and when I drop off I just let them out and they run into the house. No chance for interaction with W this way.
I thought it notable that she wanted to drop them off as well as pick them up. The only thing I can figure is she wants the interaction. She is going out of her way to make sure she sees me...
[Actually the last time I picked up at the house (with a beep) she came to the driveway to meet me, and came physically very close to me. Inches away. Not a distance you would maintain if you were afraid of abuse (ostensible reason for changing the locks, barring me from the house). ]
Again, lighthearted chit-chat during the pick-up visit. I was dressed comfortably, smiled a bunch. Lots of hugs for the kids. Again she came into the house. She noticed I was wearing my wedding ring. She didn't say anything but I saw her looking. I didn't say anything either. I didn't react. Just kept smiling.
My D5 gave me a snowflake she had made, inscribed "To Dad & Mom". Told me I had to share it with Mom, while she was standing right there next to me. It was touching.
So on we go.
Could she have spent the weekend with OM? Sure, possibly. But I don't think so and anyway it's not my business now. I don't think she did, because she kept calling me. Before, when she was involved with him, she would actively avoid me during those times.
I think it is more likely she had the weekend to herself, alone with her thoughts. No kids running around to keep her busy.
For my part I had a really good weekend with the kids. Saturday night we ran errands (library, shopping) and then went out to dinner and a movie. I bought my S11 some new sweat pants (bball-style warm ups) since the ones he was wearing were too short, too tight, and had holes in them. He looked like a dork, and I can't believe she lets him out of the house like that. The new duds look cool, and he knows it. We talked about feeling comfortable with how you look. Not wanting to look good to impress someone else; but wanting to look good because it makes you feel comfortable. I love doing that kind of stuff.
Sunday we went to church, we ran more errands. They made their own lunches. We did homework. Read stories. Joked and had a blast at dinner. You know, family stuff. I miss it.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I've thought more about my F-i-L, and rather than sending him the huge letter with all the details, all the screwy things that have happened, and a request to talk some more, maybe a better approach is a shorter "moving on" letter? like this?
Quote:
I've thought a little more and I've reconsidered. I don't feel like there is much more I need to say to you.
I've told you how I feel.
I love W, I don't believe divorce is the right option, but at this point I'm realizing I need to move on with my life, with or without her.
whatdya think?
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Why would you send the letter, regardless of how short? Bringing family into this isn't a wise decision. Again, if you enjoy his company, meet him for lunch, talk about fishing or whatever. He already knows how you feel about his D. He's going to support her regardless of what she does, or how he feels about you. So, really, other than opening a second front to confront your W about her decisions (which sounds like your back of mind intent here) that will just tick off your W and cause her to dig in her heels even further, why sent him a letter?
Don't screw yourself over.
Your W seems to be interested. Don't push her or chase after her. Also, prepare for her to run away again. Did you ever see the castle analogy post?
My personal feelings is that it's OK to tell your W is she looks nice, just don't leer or anything.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
but you might gain some insight.