You and Mojo can lead your men on and I wont say one thing about it, the NG's and GP's of the world are big boys, just dont try to convince me your way is better coming from my direction.
Unless of course you ladies are entering these R's with INTENT.
ROTFLMAO- I love it. I am trying to figure out exactly how I led on a man who stole my shoes then disappeared on me for a week and then called and said he had been busy with a gig at Kid Rock's house as his excellent excuse. OTOH, of course I was leading on the man who at age 52 has never yet married because, how did he put it again?, oh yeah "because those women would have ruined me" so I kept him in my serial monogamous clutch by telling him that my financial situation was exactly the opposite of Oprah Winfrey's.
Clue in. There are good reasons to be a serial monogamist besides being born with 2 X chromosomes. I don't date with INTENT. Never have. Never will. However, I don't date if I am unwilling to consider having sex and I won't have sex if I am unwilling to be affectionate and I won't be affectionate if I am unwilling to risk falling in love and I won't risk falling in love if I am unwilling to consider forming a LTR. If I thought I could figure out whether I would like to marry a guy before I had sex with him I would. Apparently, I missed that class at Miss Godey's School for Young Bunkey's. I was probably wasting my time reading an article in Cosmo on how to give great head.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
For the long term, it's all about attitude, the willingness to want to make things work. Willingness to explore your insecurities is rare indeed.
Why some people remain stuck while others can see a bigger picture, to me, is the real mystery.
stuck on what?
Well, I can tell you, I didn't mean what I said.
Yeah. I said a whole lot of things I didnt mean when I chewed on x. I dont have really any clear recollection of what they were though. Im sad that she probably does. From other women relating here, I understand how it rings on too long. You have to understnad, BF, that the testing goes in both directions; it happens with both men and women. Dont I know it. How do I ease up on this damn testing?
Notice how I said I wished my H did understand me more and help me, but that's really not accurate. If he had done that, it would have seemed too paternal for me. I kind of wish he figured it out and kept steady to himself, til I found a way to get to a better mind state. Make sense?
yeah. I wonder what would get my attention and shake me up to notice my mate was hurting besides an A.
The A didn't happen until a few years later, but those words stayed with him, and maybe he wanted them to. yeah it makes it easier to push down the pain so you can do what needs to be done to let go and stop trying to get them to stop the pain.
Ive enjoyed being able to watch you on your Journey, RJ. these past few 'slips' and outbursts,... Do you feel better afterward? underneath the chagrin? After mine I would actually laugh when I would recollect it- for almost two weeks after. I was mad at myself of losing control, and embarassed, sad and frustratd she ran away, but my initial reaction was .... sated? relieved? like I just yakked out some bad food. reeling from the effort of the vomit, but glad its out. purged. Thats just way to many emotions for this guy to process all at once. One at a time please. lol. anyways..I sincerely wonder what would happen if you told him thank you for putting up with it, and that you feel a lot better now.
When it happens towards me nowadays, Ill give it some time, but latter give her a hug and say something like 'feel better now?'
If she is still cranky you have to pull out the big guns, pin her down and give her razberries till she says uncle. Trying to figure out what comments to ignore and which comments to pay attention to- is the tricky part.
What would have happened if you went to bed with no PJ's and snuggled for warmth?
What is with people and wearing clothes too bed? NO CLOTHES IN THE GODD#MN BED!!!
you know LFL, I very very rarely have anything that causes me to feel desire, (dont tell anyone) but if I didnt tap that area and generate the feeling and show desire, nothing would ever happen. Once I tap it and get the energy going it will continue from the feedback. emotional energies feed off of each other.
I hear you BF. And I agree. I can be my own worst enemy sometimes. But when I think about it, I know we would have had sex...probably. The sex is not, and never has been, the real issue. I want more than sex from my H. I want to feel desire for him and him for me. It's just not there and never really has been. Always love, but not desire. That's why this thread is so interesting to me.
Just thinking some more..... I think BF is probably right about the children issue. WHY would I not only marry someone who I knew full well did not have that "spark" of sexual tension/desire/lust, but then when I was "free" of the whole mess during our S, I chose to get back together with him, and here I sit yet again, same old issues, different day. It has to be the kids right? I keep telling myself if it wasn't for them and my stronger desire for them to have a family, I'd be off doing my own thing with Alpha Soldier Boy or whoever. But I'm here. So the love issue is superceding the desire issue. Maybe it's love for the children and not my H at all. Hmmm... I don't know. All I know is I need to get to work dammit.
LFL, I know for me it goes beyond the kids, that there's this loyalty factor that's mixed into the equation ( this was discussed just recently somewhere here). Weird stuff.
I know when I got married, I certainly THOUGHT I was in love... but the chemical phase had not passed, either, so...
I was also coming out of a year of trauma and change. My xH had come out of a 5 yr/LTR, and she was being a Fatal Attraction type... his house had burned down... three weeks before I graduated college, my mother was in a car accident and was in a coma for 6 weeks.
My xH and I trauma bonded. And while that isn't a bad thing, in and of itself, I don't think it's the best time to get married. At the time... I think my biggest motivating factor was safety and protection.
My smile and my spontaneity is what probably attracted him to me (at least that's what he said.) But he!!, I was in college. Who isn't happy and spontaneous at that age? (Relative to other, more complex, stages of life). And at the time, I really didn't want anything from him... my plan at that point was to leave and embark on the 'career/life' I had set my sights on.
Typically, life/situational changes are NOT the time to make R decisions, because they introduce a heightened sense of stress that can feel like desire/love. But that's usually when we make them. That is probably why a number of spouses, when faced with the prospect of a spouse leaving, will all the sudden find their desire in full operation mode, once again.
Crisis IS passion. It's the same exact chemical release in the brain. So when things are all tense/dramatic... your attraction is heightened (at least for wayward or possibly departing spouses, since you were attracted to them once before). It's a mini-honeymoon stage, and has nothing, really, to do with children, or relationship dynamics that made the R go south in the first place.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for your kids and their well-being IS leave the R.
These dynamics are explained rather well in The Passion Trap... if anyone hasn't read it yet.
So... I'm not so sure that 'biology' and children are the only things driving a woman's desire to marry a certain 'type' of man.
OK, so what exactly is the correct reason for marriage? How does a man pick the RIGHT woman the first time, especially since you don't know how she is going to change, and most women change as they age.
