Everybody's Caught in a Spin...

[Daybreak]

It's been a busy week with my work crises and a visit to my IC to talk about W's latest e-mail. I do owe her a response and have copied my draft which I hope to send to her in a few days:

Dear W,

Thank you for being patient while I have been sorting through my thoughts and sought input from my therapist concerning what you have written to me and the direction that you wish to go. In the years we have been together, one of my strongest wishes has been to give you the freedom and support to pursue your dreams and to find happiness within yourself. Although I do not agree with your plans for this "in house separation", I will do nothing to impede you as long as our children are not greatly affected by your decision. I will not stand in your way of moving into the downstairs bedroom.

You wrote that you were disturbed when S told you how I felt regarding your increasing efforts to exclude me from family activities. When the kids brought this subject up several weeks ago, I told them that I did not mind you doing activities with the kids outside of Scouts, lessons, etc. - that it was very healthy to do so. But both kids observed that you were doing this to excess - and I agreed with their perception. I understand the unresolved hatred that you exhibit towards me. Having weighed the interpretations of your actions and demeanor towards me over the past five years with my therapist, I do not use the word "hatred" lightly. It is also not a road I want to go down as it is not at all healthy for me and everyone deserves better from me.

You suggested taking responsibility for all of the cooking and grocery duties during half of every month. Most of the meals that I have fixed over the past few years are rather basic but I do what I can to incorporate everyone's suggestions for how I can improve things. We can try this for a couple of months and see how it works. Although S and D sometimes help me out, I do my best not to make their participation too extensive and hope that you will follow that lead.

You left open a timetable for having an initial formal discussion with the kids concerning this "in-house" separation and divorce path you want to pursue. I believe it is vitally important that I participate and do my best to answer any questions that S and D may ask. Unlike you, I have never been down this particular path so I cannot predict what I will do. Certainly, the kids' welfare will be a primary consideration but not to the exclusion of my total health and well being. My parents and sisters know the details (including the pornography that triggered this) of our trials and tribulations and understand keeping my health and the kids' health in the forefront of my thoughts.

In your first letter, you wrote that you and I may enjoy each other's company more if there were no false expectations that we were a happily married couple. For the past several years, I have observed that the fewer expectations I had of you the healthier my well being and outlook became. Knowing your history as well as you do and from observations your mother shared with me over the years we have been together, I have no expectations that your demeanor and treatment of me will improve. However, if enjoying each other's company is a sincere goal of yours, only time will tell. I believe that we all will benefit if that becomes a reality.

Love, Me