Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[ann25]

so - interesting weekend. I'm just writing - this is long, but I like to write stuff down to get it out

friday night. little issue with the house not being clean enough. Can i just say, we have 2 toddlers and they make messes. So not my fault (or theirs, they are just babies) all i can do it clean up the aftermath... hehe.

late friday night - fight about my lack of interest. I was honest, but gentle. I know that I still hurt him, but it could have gone way worse. He can't understand why I don't want to have sex with him. How long is he supposed to just suffer through while I deal with my feelings. Sex is a big part of marriage, how are we supposed to go back to normal if we aren't intimate... I tried to explain as best I could, but it's hard when I'm not even sure.

Saturday morning he decided that he wanted to go out and got ready to go. I asked him where he was going because he was putting his shoes on and grabbing his stuff. He said he was going to the batting cages. kissed everyone good bye (kinda) and left. We kinda have a unspoken rule in our house that if you are thinking about going out you let the other person know that you wanted to go out. We have one car and 2 kids that need care, can't just decide to go out whenever you feel like it. When he got back and couldn't understand why I was upset with him, i explained that if I had done the same thing, it would have been totally unacceptable (to assume he'd just watch the girls with no question) and its really inconsiderate to just leave like that. He apoligized later. I guess it sunk in.

that night, i was trying to think of him and gave him a foot rub while we sat and watched some TV together. he thanked me and I sat with him. as we are sitting there, he started touching me sexually. I asked him to stop. I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable. this caused him to mentally distance himself from me for the rest of the night. Then, when we are laying in bed. he starts in again like the night before. I thought he had understood what i was telling him, but obviously not. i tried to explain again.

His big hangup is that I used to talk to OM about having sex, but I don't want to have sex with H, so I don't even want to be there, I'm just pretending. I don't know that to say about that. I just tell him that those were only words and he made me feel good when I felt like everything around me was falling apart. Now he says i'm justifying my EA. I got mad. probably not my place to get mad, but i did. I told him that I have never once justified or tried to excuse what i did. That I know how wrong it was and that I know that there is no amount of apology to make up for it. I've answered his questions about it as best as possible, but any reason i give for doing it always starts with, i know there is no excuse for what I did, but here is what i was feeling/thinking... we went to bed not talking.

Sunday he wouldn't kiss me cause he said he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable. I told him that we discussed that the night before and i told him it was sexualy stuff and not a simple kiss. He was just trying to twist what i had said to make me feel like an idiot. I'm not going to let that work anymore.

That afternoon he went to an MMA event with friends and i went to a Bridal shower for my sister. When he got back home at 12:30, we talked and went to bed. I initiate sex with him because I was thinking about some of the stuff I'd read here and tried to do it for him because I wanted to see him happy. It worked. He was happy. I was miserable afterwards, some physical and emotional issues, but he was happy.

I've decided we need to spend more time apart. I always thought spending more time together was a good thing, but it seems like anymore the only good days we have are those where we don't spend much time together.